Hi guys, I was hoping to find that my experience is something common and get some advice.
You could say me and my boyf are relatively new at this, but for about 6 months we were enjoying a spectacular sub dom relationship. It was long distance because he was working abroad, although we saw each other regularly, twice a month, sometimes for a week at a time. When we were apart we were constantly on the phone winding each other up sexually (but our relationship was always about way more than sex).
I was in heaven except I missed him so much. He moved back to be with me, and moved into my house, about a month and a half ago. We were and still are, very much in love.
But the only thing is, he doesn't seem to want to dominate me or hurt or punish me anymore. I mean at all, since he moved back. We have normal sex and he still makes me orgasm like crazy but he doesn't seem interested in the other stuff anymore.
I have spoken to him a couple of times and asked if he changed his mind about wanting that stuff, he says no he definitely still wants to, but says at first it was because he was tired with extra work and the move to a different country, and now he says he has lost some of his confidence.
That breaks my heart, and I want to help or encourage him somehow but I just have no idea what to do.
I do the traditional dressing up, and surprise blowjobs, and so on, but these acts only seems to initiate normal-person sex.
Our box of toys (that he bought all of) is gathering dust
If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful. I can't help thinking I did something wrong and broke him.
First, this is common. So, rest assured that it is not an indication that something is wrong. My sub and I had a similar situation when we moved in together and talked to other who had relatable stories.
We realized that for us it was an adjustment to the new dynamic of being together every day. The big thing that helped us was going back to basics. Not every sexual interaction was hardcore, but we made an effort to have that still be there. We made a regular date once a month to play. The first one was all the way back to light spanking and tying of wrists to reconnect to the roots. By the following month we were back up to hardcore scenes and training.
It's different because 24/7 is different in person, but it's not less. If anything we are closer and stronger than ever.
Thank you so much for your reassurance I hope what you say will work for us too. I will try to just be cheeky and playful when we are intimate, until perhaps one day we get back to 'normal'. It's hard to tell him how I feel without making him feel like he's failing at keeping me happy as well but I'll try.
It was just really worrying thinking that before he moved in, we were talking often about experimenting more, for example with submission outside of sexual scenarios. And then boom, nada
Again I really appreciate you taking the time to respond on this. Thank you X
It is hard to be kinky 24/7. When you're in a LDR you are only seeing the other person every once in awhile, so you're focused solely on that aspect of your dynamic. When you live with someone full time, it can't be all about spankings and forced orgasms and punishments. It just isn't plausible. It's like any other couple who first move in together, there is always an adjustment period. You're learning each others habits. Seeing both the good and the bad.
And yes, some days it can feel tedious and repetitive and you wonder where the spark went. But at other times it can be amazing. You have to take the good with the bad.
Daddy and I also set aside one weekend a month for serious play. (We'd like to do more but we have a seven year old. LOL) The mother-in-law babysits and we get the house to ourselves.
Thanks again guys for helping me out when I was feeling down... Just want to update you, that last night (after more than a month of not being sure what was going on), he seemed to get his confidence back, late on into the night and again in the morning before work I think we might be fine.
Gunna echo the rest here mostly but yeah.... porn and other media paints the picture of some kinda 24/7 sex adventure when a dom takes on a sub... but have you ever tried micro managing another human day after day doing your best to live up to their expectations? my best advice really would be as simple as talk to and talk often to him. meet him halfway on stuff you will do x thing sexual or nonsexual for him if he will do x for him. Also try affectionate domminance with him it sounds like it MIGHT more be his speed a good dom can exert their power over a sub with just a look or gesture.
Never make him feel guilty if he doesn't feel like whipping you etc if you teach him to associate this with negativity hes likely going to kick back even harder. Also try new things ask him about his fantasy's and try them out as well. Learn to appreciate the silent moments many doms enjoy when their sub is content to just do their own thing, read a book watch Netflix next to them, Honestlly even most serious long terms slaves i have talked to have masters that expect them to be self sufficant for the normal day to day stuff but that both know if the master says jump the slave will say how high.
I was going to chime in with the rest of the folks here but it sounds like you two are back on track. So congratulations!!
Just remember that this is common. When men loose confidence, time and patience are important along with a healthy dose of respect and admiration.
I wish much happiness for you both and hope you keep playing for a long time to come.