Misplaced focus

Misplaced focus

Bunnie • Sep 10, 2018

I suspect that my first spoken word was probably “why?” Curiosity and the desire to know things has forever been my drive to seek and search and learn. I love to pull things apart... be it a watch or my mind, just to see how they work. Observing everything... it’s a fascination. It’s also a hinderance. I love to know what drives the choices I make, behaviours and responses. This was fascinating in the early explorations of submission... until I realised it had all become about me. *I* was learning, *l* was growing, *I* wanted to be the best submissive *I* could be. Where was Sir in all of this? My focus somehow shifted from wanting to be the best I could be to please Him, to wanting to be the best I could be to please me. As much as I would love to be able to just switch my mind off, unfortunately quite the opposite is the more common occurrence... there are very few times I am blessed with a peaceful, quiet mind. Meditation, yoga, ritual, service, physical pain (flogged eg.), being restrained are the few things that seem to create stillness within. I’m trying to shift away from intellectualising submission and move more towards learning to trust that instinctually I am capable of simply being led... perhaps using my heart more than my head. I’m wondering if anyone else has struggled with this also? And could share anything that helped with maintaining the balance of still growing and learning, but not losing focus of what’s important?

TakenLower • Sep 10, 2018

I totally get you. “Why? How? When? But why!” And then “Well I can do it better!”. Letting go is really hard to do especially if you’ve ever been hurt. Don’t lose yourself in yourself is my advice (because I often do it!) and just enjoy the ride. That makes me think of a quote ““Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely to no where. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it’s a mountain. From the top of the mountain you can not see that it’s a mountain.”

Bunnie • Sep 10, 2018

@ Tala, lol yes, that’s it! And this... “Don’t lose yourself in yourself”... Oh that makes so much sense to me. Thank you for this advice.
I had a friend often reminding me to just enjoy it, much to his frustration I’m sure, but he knew how my mind worked, and helped a lot to recentre me when it was needed (sometimes it’s difficult to even see it yourself).
Thank you for the quote, I find those really useful as little reminders.

Redtailedkitty • Sep 10, 2018

I am very very similar. Topped with spending 8 years in library service and its on overdrive. I can count on one hand the number of times my mind has been quiet.

And like you, albeit in slightly differing ways, it is impacting my ability to submit or to even think I’m any good at it. I’m getting in my own way.

One of the biggest challenges I/We (Sir and I) is letting go of our history when it comes to our D/s. Being in the present in what we want and not letting out past direct it as we have been.

Questioning why something is happening in this moment, I think is okay. Basing it on the past is not. Because we can’t move forward that way.

SubforHim​(sub female) • Sep 10, 2018

Oh I have been working on this for the past few years. I remind myself often that the reason I enjoy submission so much is the feeling of “letting go” and just existing for the ride and pleasure of someone else at the helm.

I had someone send me a meme one day that said “I’m not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where are we riding to? Why do I have to die? Can we get food on the way?”

LoL that spoke to me. I like to know the why’s of things...like you, to a fault at times. I’ve been working on it ever since.

Bunnie • Sep 10, 2018

@ subforhim, LOL, I love it, that is so funny (and accurate)! Thank you, a good giggle as a reminder to not be so serious is perfect
And you raise a very valid point... I can see now that I was hoping for a “cure-all,” however, it seems more likely that it would be an ongoing conscious process.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 11, 2018

This is fascinating, Bun. I feel the same way, but on the other side of the slash it comes out differently. That need to explore, understand and tinker is good for a Dom in some ways, but when the ego is in it too much, ignoring your partner or pushing just out of curiosity has much more immediate and dire consequences. It's a tough slog on this side too. My battle is to accept that leading and control means listening and awareness.

Focus calms my mind. It's not shutting the brain off on this side, but being fully aware and in the moment, channelling everything into what I'm doing, in both Domination and more mundane activities. Flying kites and woodworking come to mind. The mind and body need to focus and work in concert, and both need situational awareness too. The same comes from a walk in the woods. It's not just going from A to B, but being aware of the Flora, fauna and the signs of change, growth and movement. Awareness follows on until I hit a point where I just AM, and am with everything else just being. Little things show themselves and do not react to you, since you are just being too.

That all sounds very zen and great, but it's a mofo to hold that zone for long, and to find the time and space to get there. Getting your mind lost without getting lost in your mind is like balancing on a ball then trying to roll forward at a steady pace. One falls off a lot.

Bunnie • Sep 11, 2018

@ Fud, “Getting your mind lost without getting lost in your mind“... this is so perfect. Yes!
And I think you hit the nail on the head too about “listening and awareness”... good advice for everyone, no matter what they identify as.

Thank you for the feedback everyone, it has been really comforting to know I’m not alone, and very helpful to have some more tools to add to the kit

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 11, 2018

Damn.. knew I should have added "sending nudes to shamelessly goofy dag Doms" to the list. Oh well.

Happy trails Bun. Wherever you wander, there you are. Ignore the rustling in the bushes and muted camera shutter sounds. Just a drop bear or something, I'm sure.

Bunnie • Sep 11, 2018

Lol... dag ;D