Silent Observations

Let me take you on a journey. I met someone a little while ago who opened up my mind, my heart and took me under their wing. He reached into my mind and made me feel things that I have not felt in a long time. I thought this could be the one. I thought this could be the one who could help me grow, to love me for who I truly was. Not was am. I was excited to meet and we had an amazing weekend together. But there was something wrong. It wasn't in the way that he treated me. Because when we were in our hotel in a little bubble, my world was almost perfect. The thing that was wrong was me. It was my fears. We had many differences but realistically they should not have mattered. I let these fears take somebody beautiful away from me. Somebody who made me feel loved,  empowered, cherished and wanted. When we talk now we still start from that same place. He says he would have done anything to have kept me. And it makes me wonder sometimes if I will find that again. And if next time I will be ready to accept it. I was scared. Not of him but of what it could have been become. He opened me up and now I'm so closed. Now I just float through ..........waiting. I read back over my diary notes of the days that I was with him. And it makes me wonder why I couldn't do it. I know it just means that he was not my one. My God it hurt to tell him that. I think I am emotionally maturing and that is not an easy thing to do. I thought as we got older this stuff is supposed to get easier. But with all the constant questioning of self and evaluating of everything around us I wonder if we lose sight of what's important to us. If we stopped judging. If we stopped having a checklist for everybody to meet. Life would be a lot more simple and a lot less exhausting. My goal now is to be more honest with myself. To be more open to possibility. So in the process I'm just spending time on myself. I figure that when I am ready the right kind of people will enter my life. So I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I don't disappear into the background.