The past year has been an emotional awakening. I had spent so long keeping myself contained. To not rock the boat, to not displease those close to me.
This period has shown me many things about myself, some good some bad. The most important though is acknowledging what it is i want. Not only out of love but life. Today i have so many memories flooding through me that it is painful.
The birth of my children and the moments of strength and love i felt from my then partner, all the way through now with him saying I was an emotionless person. The part that hurt the most out of that was he was the one I thought new me the best out of anyone, even now that we were not together. But those words undid any of the last delusions I might have had. For so long thinking it was all my fault. That i should have tried harder, should have been more..... through to the memories of my deceased mother in law. Longing for her words and laughter. Missing even the moments when she drove me crazy. Its all in a ball in the pit of my stomach.
Deep down I know that these moments are what make me stronger. They are what help me grow and shape me to who I am. That his words although hurtful no longer hold me in my cage. Instead they slowly and painfully open me back up again.... by letting me go. Helping me see what was good for me and what is not.
So now it's like im learning to feel again.
Learning how to function.
I cant go backwards.... so there is only one way. To let this heart cry as much as it needs. Till it is healed and learns to forgive itself. I think for me thats the hardest concept of all. Forgiveness of self. I wear the hurt with a smile as I drag my feet along the ground. But the heaviness is starting to crumble. To drop away. As I realise that I was being contained by a path that was never mine. That yes I made choices but given the chance I wouldn't change them.
Acceptance. Acknowledgement. Peace. Love..... I owe it all to myself before anyone else.