It has become apparent to me that I have become slightly lazy in my submissiveness. I used to be a lot more engrossed, initiate my own research and find new ways to feel uncomfortable. Attend more munches and events. That is possibly because it was all brand new and sparkly. New and enticing. I'm still fairly new in many many aspects, however I've learnt a lot about myself over the past couple of years. I have evaluated, tested, poked and re-evaluated from every angle about myself. To the point now that I am quite comfortable with who I am and the path that I'm on.
I feel when I was brand spanking new that I was pushing myself constantly. It's not a bad thing to learn to be comfortable by being constantly uncomfortable. But now I feel I am more at peace with who I am. There is no more fighting or internal turmoil. No deep dark questions that keep me awake at night.
Now I feel I have a positive idea of what I'm searching for and that's very calming. For a while I was pushing that fact as well. Running full speed to try and find my person. But again I find myself at a peaceful place where I have no need to talk to the drones of people that I once did. In fact I prefer my own company. Ive become quite introverted. I tire of the introduction emails and questions with people who I know I really have no interest in.
So I find myself leaving my fait to the universe. It is freeing. It can still get lonely but I can honestly say I am the happiest I've been in a while. Is this new found contentment keeping me plateaued in my submission? I don't feel my submissiveness being pushed or tested. On one hand Id rather wait till I find the right person to continue any more development on that side. On the other I feel lazy and at home in my little nest if words that I made. I'm wondering if other submissives ever feel this weird place of contentment in waiting?
I feel i should possibly start looking into new things to study, do personal development again. This time not through questioning who I am but rather learning new skills and expanding on myself. Or should i see how long I can sit still for? Anyone who knows me knows thats hard for me to do lol.
