Realising that there are still parts of me I am still not ok with. My latest one is something that likes to pop its ugly head up on the odd occasion to help make me feel inferior, different or weird.
So here it goes..... Im a submissive woman who does not like to be objectified or sexualized..... weird right? Accept to someone who I love and adore. Yes love, because I'm one of those weird arse people who loves being in love.
So there it is, self confessed lover of love, introverted submissive prude.... yep Im a prude as well.
What does this all mean? And how does this all fit into the tantalising, delicious package that is me? (See what i did there, just sexually objectified myself but its ok because I love me).
Well truth is sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I can be having a very lovely conversation with somebody who I'm getting to know and all they have to do is make a funny comment and sexualized me in the wrong way and I feel instantly uncomfortable. More than that I feel inferior. I feel like I'm broken and there's something wrong with me because I don't seem to enjoy being objectified as much as what some other people do. Somewhere along the lines once I have feelings for somebody that defensiveness disappears. Then that sexual objectification becomes erotic and almost sweet. So how was it that my brain jumps from one form of communication as a threat and another to being good intentions?
Is it trust?
Is it feeling comfortable with someone?
Or is it more to do with myself becoming comfortable as a sexual creature and AND actually owning that. Saying yes I am sexy, yes I am feminine and yes it's actually ok to be desireable.
Possibly the reason is because I don't see myself that way. I grew up as a tomboy and even as a teenager I never had those raging hormones like everybody else around me seem to have. I feel like I almost missed that part of puberty and growing up. Because for me to be sexually aroused and accessible they need to go through my mind and my doubts first. (Oh the joys of being a sapiosexual). Not necessarily a negative thing and it's kept me safe many many times. I trust my gut completely, it has never let me down.
But I still hate how some simple words in a well-intended good natured conversation can make me feel so inferior and so low. Even when that was not their intent. I let these demons of my own pull myself down. So how do you build yourself past those negative thoughts. We all have them, they just have different triggers. Those voices that tell us that we are not good enough, that we shouldn't be here, that we should stop trying. I'm pretty happy to say a lot of the time those voices don't hang around too long. I managed to pick myself up pretty quickly but it still frustrates me how easily I can drop back down that slide.
Life expereince is a huge factor. I cant change that and i dont want to. What I have learnt to accept is that for now that is simply a limit for me. It is a discussion point that i need to express without offering condolences or excuses. Buy for knowing its ok to NOT be ok with something. Even if a vast majority of people are. That's ok. Its not my kink. I think that right there is how I let those doubts not control me. By being honest with myself and those around me. By not hiding behind what makes us worry that we might be perceived as different. Different is good.
