Im a fairly reserved kind of person. When I found BDSM it inabled me to express and explore myself like never before. Ive done a heap of personal growth over the past few years. Till i find myself this year feeling the most clear I have been in what feels like forever. Not only that but i feel positive, happy, driven and like im truely finding myself. There has been one element that i realised today I have been placing a tonne of pressure on myself for.
Finding my one.
I dont know why I thought that after leaving a relationship Ive been in since i was 18, that i would find my one right away. That was such a guilt loaded emotional responce to my situation. I had nothing of myself to give and was using new connections to pick myself up and say I was fine. And those around me would try to slow me down cause they could see more clearly than myself.
My freedom has come in a ball of emotions, tears and realizations over the past few months. But it was necessary. Like an emotional cleanse.
Have you ever let go of guilt? Like truely let go? You would think that it would feel harmonious but it doesnt. It hurts like it is being ripped from your soul and once it is finally ejected a flood of tears washes your face. But your heart finally feels light.
So i am approaching this year with a different attitude. For once its not a forced attitude but more an enlightened view.
To take this year to fill up my heart, stimulate my mind and feed my body sunshine and positive light. Even the thought makes me smile. So Im applying for university to follow the career i want, I'm downsizing the things in my home that are not required and one very important thing..... Im not looking for my one..... I dont want anyone right now. Not completely. Yes i get lonely so i will choose company that fulfills me. Im still a sucker for connection but i realise now that i dont actually need anyone. Mostly I am happy by myself and with who I am. I need to feed this new enlightened self more before i share it.
So i have been considering today about my approach to my love life. Im extremely critical and judgmental of anyone who approaches me. I go through my mental check list and if they dont fit then i move on. Very shitty of me. And a hell of a lot of pressure for anyone involved. Ive also been hurt from trying to push things that are not actually healthy relationships for me.
Generally im monogamous and do not play with anyone outside of a relationship. I place strict rules upon myself to do so. Yet i still try to get to kink clubs, munches and events to keep my submissive side engaged. So why do i do that? Why am i scared to try something new and let go of that control a little. I have trust issues thats why. And im a fool if i think that is going to attract an open hearted person.
So im considering changing some of that aspect. I plan to be super busy this year and also im really happy with where im at. So im considering seeking a possible play partner. Someone who i can learn to trust and explore with on a regular basis. Connect but not have the pressures of a "relationship". I feel it could be rather beneficial to help me destress and open up. To start it would not involve sexual components but i cant say that im not open to it evolving into that. More like a deep friendship. Remove the pressures and focus on the good. I still would reserve things for relationships only but the test would be if i can keep those emotions i tend to feel oh so well in check. To enter something knowing it is for physical exploration and pleasure i feel will help.
Im not jumping in. Still will take time to consider all the aspect. And when it comes to it I might have too many mental blocks to be able to go through with it. But i would have tried. I also wonder if having a friendship like this would help me not fixate on My One so much. Help me evolve.
So in the interest of letting go and filling up my soul i will learn to be not so serious and cookie cut. If something feels positive to follow that. I have complete faith that when the timing is right and Im in a positive space my person will find me cause they will feel the pull to my light.
