The last few months have been a gradual test for me. Starting with small struggles of longing and learning patience. To it seeping through the cracks and effecting other elements of my life. As my tests now reach higher, I am hoping I am nearly at the top. (Although I doubt im even half way yet lol)
I have tried very hard to keep parts of my life seperate and I now see that was a nieev, innocent and a painful mistak. The mistake being that I could be two people. Or maybe three or four. To please everyone constantly, because well it is just simply my nature to do that. To please and to try fix issues by making others happy. I am learning though that this is a bandaid effect and only comes back worse later. For me to be truly happy there is only one person I need to please. That is myself. If I can not be true to myself and happy within, my demons will only come back with a vengeance. When I get questioned about my reasons I want to be confident and calm in knowing I did the best I could.
I have beat my self down and built myself back up, over and over again in more than just one element of my life. I have analysed, cried and become indifferent. I've been a volcano and then emotionless.
I've also grown closer to some amazing people. Who help me and keep me settled while I process, question, battle and look for derection. You all know who you are and I think you are all so special.
This evolution of my life I know is not over just yet. And I know I am in for many more happy and painful surprises. But I will try my best to stay true to myself. To not try fit in any "boxes" and to trust my heart and my gut will help pull me through, while my head is a hurricane.
Realising all this has been a struggle but also a blessing. A experience of learning to let go. Of stress. Of lost love. Of a unrealistic future. And embrace change with open arms.
Perspectives change.
Life evolves.
My patience has grown.
My heart has grown.
My needs have changed
My desires are forever evolving
And although I have days of dismay I have strength in laughter and love. So thank you all. Xxx
