Ive been contemplating and even battling myself over my consistency to put myself last. Im sitting here this morning feeling angry. At myself. Because I know that I deserve better than where I was before but I keep on placing myself in similar situations EVEN THOUGH I know better. I see the flags and instead of listening I fight them. Try to make it sound like its not so bad. To convince myself to give it a try.
I know its not a habit because it is with new people and new situations. It is more like a selective blindness. I turn my head from the parts I know are not healthy for me and only listen to the parts I want.
I would then say maybe it is a sign of loneliness or desperation. But if that was true I would not have spent so much time by myself and be so picky.
So how do we change our behaviors and perceptions of self worth? As Einstein once said "Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result".
To me there is a combination of three elements.
1. Self awareness - recognizing when I do this behavior and putting into practice a strategy for stepping away from things/people/ situations that are not healthy for me. I am responsible for the actions and things that happen in my life, no one else. I am responsible for how I react to situations. I am responsible for the current (good or bad) state of my life. It has been MY decisions that has led me hear and it will be my choices that form my future. Which is kind of empowering but also scary as hell. To trust myself.
2. Time - Acknowledging that it will take time for me to change my behaviors. It will take longer than a day, a week a year. But with each step forward I am further away from the hold the negative had on my life.
3. Forgiveness- to not be hard on myself if i miss a signal or stumble. Allow myself the time to be present in the moment and understand its ok to feel. Ok to be angry. Ok to stay in bed for a day if I need to.
It has been pushed into me for most of my adult life that I needed to BE a particular way. Can never be seen as lazy. Can never sit still and just enjoy. I am forever busy. Learning to slow has been hard and I'm still not sure that I do slow very well (accept in relationships lol). I will learn to push those controlling negative voices from my past out of my head and try to replace them with calm and peace.
My goals at the moment are to
* Replace negative behavior with good. Reward myself for getting through things.
* Have a plan in place to help me negotiate (against myself) a clear path forward with still upholding my values and integrity (ie not ghosting people or being overly aggressive)
* Learn to meditate. It is hard for me to sit longer than 30 seconds without a thought so this process will take some time
* Be continuously grateful and humble to the positive situations and people who come my way.
* Continue to write because I find it helps me and is therapeutic
I would be interested to hear of any other ideas anyone might have used or experienced for correcting or changing behaviours, though I will continue my own research. Im always trying to do better and be a better version of myself.
