This word has been on my mind this week. It has become apparent to me through some of my readings that I have closed off the allowance of pleasure into my adult sexual life. Additionally realizing where the restrictions and fears that I carry with pleasure come from.
It might seem like a easy concept to allow yourself to experience pleasure but when you have closed yourself off to it, it can be overwhelming to consider opening it back up again. Even my own masturbation is very regimented and is generally only done to release energy, not for pleasure. Thankfully right now I am in a really good headspace and finally able to address the restrictions of my past without necessarily embracing the emotions that come with them. Im done with pulling myself apart. Those days are over. Now it is more about the joyful journey.
We all carry family soul contracts with us. Things that we were told or things that we automatically do, that have been passed down from generation to generation. Some we are aware of and others we are not. Some cause trauma and confusion and we have no idea why they trigger us. We can carry fears from other peoples pasts and make them our own. Even simple words or actions can come back to the basics of the environment that we were brought up in. How to dress, what to believe, how to act.
A really simple example I came across was this.
A woman when making her roast dinner was asked why she cuts the end of her roast off. “Well because that’s how my mother does it.”….. When they asked her mother, “why do you cut off the end of the roast”….. “Because that’s what your grandmother does.”……. “Grandmother why do you cut the end of the roast off”…… “ Well back in my day the ovens were smaller so we had to cut the end off to make it fit in the oven”
So now 2 more generations of woman have continued the tradition without actually understanding why it is that they do this. The same can be applied to almost every element of your life. I'm not here to say we should place blame on our family members, but more to recognize that we are handed these things and that we do actually have a choice as to if we wish to use them. We just have to ask the question.
So I grew up rather modest, a tomboy and very happily did so. In fact I feel gratitude for those boundaries as they kept me safe as a teenager. But now as a woman I find some of those boundaries crippling. Especially when it comes to allowing myself pleasure. To be selfish in pleasure. Not only in sex (for me especially in sex) but also in allowing myself fun things in my life.
So now starts the process of unravelling parts of me that were never mine in the first place. Placing stereotypes on what is considered to be a slut. And why is that thought of as a negative word? Why can that not be a positive word? Why can that word not exhilarate and excite? Why should I be restricted to one partner? Can I handle more than one partner? Why can I not have a play partner to just simply give me pleasure? If we both receive enjoyment out of it?
Am I able to break down those walls, selfishly indulge in pleasure, orgasms and fun messy goodness and NOT feel expected to return that. Of course I would want to BUT can I on the odd occasion just accept the gift that is being given to me? To purely experience pleasure for the form that it is. Removal of obligation and even emotion. Just feel.
So here goes my search for a local play partner. To see if I can safely and purposefully enjoy the body that God gave me. Coming from a Christian upbringing where good little girls waited till they were married, never wore short skirts and acted appropriately. To break the bonds of man and embrace the bonds of nature. And in return freeing up my sexual energy. Opening up my creativity and connection to self.
To be honest its a bit scary but also exciting. Here I go jumping in the deep end. I promise to proceed with caution :)
