Something that I have been working on is breaking of sterior types in my own mind/life. Understanding where there have come from (society/upbringing ect) and making a conscious choice as to finding if they fit with me anymore. If I want to hold on to them or change them. It can be quite confronting when you are challenging yourself to adjust them. Not just mentally but actually physically makes these changes. To be able to completely let go of the holds that no longer serve you. Sometimes these perceptions have helped you in the past but no longer apply to your life and letting go can be difficult.
What is the fear that comes along with pushing against the grain......Fear of judgement..... from friends, family, or the worst yourself.
Fear of not being enough to take on the new roll, or challenge and having to work on yourself more to drop the veils as to why you're afraid in the first place.
For me right now my thoughts are being challenged by someone not because he in nature is challenging but simply because of the circumstances. Being the older woman........ its a bit daunting. It probably would not be so bad if he was only a few years younger but he is 9 years younger.
Being with someone older has matched me previously because I guess that's what I thought i was worth. Its also socially acceptable and I've always had older firends. What happens when that man who wants to be with you is younger. For me it has started to cause self doubt. Test the elements that I have built up within myself. I feel that is part of his purpose (for me right now). His others are to bring fun and joy back into my life and lastly but not least to help me open up sexually and explore what I truely deeply desire with no judgement. He is so open and honest its refreshing. Never am I met with "I dont do that" its more "if thats something you like I'm more than willing to give it a try".
At what point do we loose that innocence. I mean he is young to me but overall he is not. He is old enough to have lost that curiosity and I'm really thankful that he hasn't.
He exposes the parts of me that are maybe not so pretty. My need to control certain things. My perceptions of what is acceptable and fear of judgment. If i was looking at 9 years older I would not even bat an eye lid. Actually would say thats the sweet spot for me.
Even though what Im speaking of is as play partners (long term monogamous ones though) it still challenges me. I see that as a positive. To help me let go of old perceptions and learn to just simply laugh and enjoy. Not to worry about others judgments or thoughts as they do not bring me benefit. This year has been way too serious (even without covid) and allowing space for fun i feel is important. Crucial to our happiness.
Keep laughing, loving and experiencing
❤♾⭐
