Today i have had two things brought to my attention by seperate people but i feel they are probably linked.
First. That when push comes to shove i default to talking myself down. I dont even realize i do this. I accept accountability when it may not even be my issue. I make excuses before something starts saying "oh well if it doesn't work it was probably because Im not good enough". Something along those lines. This is a deep seeded part of me which will take much work to justify. Majority of the time I am talkative and confident. I dont come across as having confidences issues. I was told recently after telling somebody that i am generally shy and introverted that i came across quite the opposite. Yet i have that side to me. Its like a defense system. If i accept that it might not work because of something ive done or the way i look, not smart enough , not this , not that. Then if it doesn't work i can take that in as my own notch and add it to my list of things I've done wrong.
My second part was when i was asked how i like to relax..... relax????!!!!! What does that mean. I dont have time to relax lol. But my first response was that i have been trained this way for years. My previous partner would think i was lazy and joke about it if i was not seen to be doing something constantly. Annnnnd normally i would be doing it wrong anyway. But if i needed a cat nap because i had 4 hours sleep the night before due to the kidlets and then had a full day of house work and entertainment the little darlings, that i was seen as lazy. Even though dinner was cooked, house clean, children playing (not watching tv) happily. I would get a good job comment but my needing a moment was seen as weakness. Or if i needed a moment and he wanted to take kids to the beach or a bushwalk it was a case of oh well mummies too tired she can stay home while we go have fun. And then guilted into going to satisfy others.
It has literally only just been RIGHT NOW that i have linked these two together. I was not just trained to never relax, to never sit and appreciate a movie or just cuddle and talk. Rest was for when you where dead. But also i accepted that the things going on around me where my fault. Whether it was implied or not.
So now i have two lessons to retrain my brain. I am good enough, i am of value and its ok to have some me time. To do what i want to do. To not stress about the little things. This is going to be a looooong process. Even better i dont have to do this alone. I have people to report to.