My fear is not that I won't find somebody to love and care for me. But quiet the opposite. That I am so closed off that i wont allow myself to love anybody. To feel as much as I desire to. I have had those feelings before and I want them again. But time I feel has not been my friend for the last few years. It has dulled me. I was with someone who loved me greatly yet I was unable to love them back. I felt empty. I forced those feelings and actions because it was what was expected of me.
Yes some of that is his fault. For ignoring my needs for years. Even my simple needs were not met (and im not speaking physically).
So I learned to take care of myself within a relationship. When I left I thought I would have this clarity..... but I don't. In no way do I regret my decision but i guess I thought it would feel more..... final.
But i guess because I was busy taking care of myself within the relationship that now it does not feel that different outside of it. Even though he tells me he's breaking I feel nothing. Maybe I'm more heartless than I realized.
I just hope I don't stay in this state forever. Stuck in a never ending cycle. Im not waiting for someone to save me, but i am waiting for someone to open me up again.
What I fear the most is myself......
