Over the past few weeks I have had a realisation. My life has had some dramatic changes recently and it has made me stop and think about my actions. I had a moment the other week. I freaked out with a dear friend of mine. We were progressing nicely and i was pretty sure i was happy. I was.... for a few hours. Then my thoughts came creeping. I started to feel the guilts and the what ifs. I seem to do my own undoing. BUT is this such a negative thing? To push back and say hey i need some space. This is not working for me.
It's ok to not know what I want. Because this means there is no cookie cut formula for the way my life should go, rather I am accepting more the opportunities that might come my way. And doing more of the things that are important to me.
Its also ok to be alone. I was rushing. I think I felt that need to be needed. I have been needed for so long that now that no one needs me it is an odd feeling. It frightened the pants off of me. And not that I was jumping at the first person who came along. I wasn't. BUT I was trying to force things that may not have been there. So i am slowing down. Sometimes no amount of talking and reassuring can make it better. Because I simply was not ready.
I was asked the usual question the other day. "So what are you looking for?" I used to answer this question with either a negative comment or detailed list of what i desired out of a dominant. But for the first time i answered without hesitation. Im looking for friendship. Plain and simple and it felt good. Because I was answering from my heart. Honest with the most important person..... myself. I have been playing tricks on myself. Lying and cheating.
I am nowhere near ready to contemplate being with someone. Devoting myself to someone when i have only been alone for such a short period of time. When i am ready I know it will feel natutal. I did not realise until this week exactly how picky i am. And also a lot of my own faults came to light. My unemotional self feels very little right now. It is not soft and loving like it usually is. Because it is healing. It is rebooting and new software updates take time.
Recognizing that I'm not in a position to let anyone in i think is a responsible recognition. Im ok being heartless, im ok pushing people away a little, im ok with the fact im alone. There are days I know that i wont be so ok and that is expected. Learning to love myself first is most important
