I can feel it tightening my throat. I dont know why it's there or what triggers it off. I try to swollow it down and keep myself busy. Waiting for that crushing feeling to finally catch me.
So I spent the afternoon doing some self tying followed by some grooming and body maintenance, then wearing nothing but my thigh high stockings and leather garter around the house while I ate my dinner and did little things.
Doing these little things help me. Maybe I should try and address what is eating me inside. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want to open up that horrible box of emotions. The guilt. The emptiness. The feeling of.... oh fuck... is about the only way I can describe it.
I know I am not that complicated and I know what I must do to pull myself out. But I just keep swimming in the shallows of my own contempt.
So away go the leathers and the rope for another night. They have fulfilled their purpose. Grab my big soft blanket. Wrap it around my naked form and snuggle with a book and my cuddle pillow till I fall asleep and hope I feel better tomorrow.
