I was listening to some songs tonight and one struck a chord with me. I sit here often wondering why my past relationships failed. There are many elements and it definitely takes two....
Before I get to that though a little background information might help. I met him when I was 18. I was never someone who fell for normal guys and finding my love of bdsm opened up my eyes as to why (that's another story). But he was different. For a young guy he was calmly confident and strong in stature. Respectful and protective (still is). He was only my second ever boyfriend and my first love. We courted long distance (9 hour drive) for 4 years..... yep that long. Before he moved here to be with me. A lot of fun, a house, 2 beautiful kids and 17.5yrs later we failed.... For a long time I thought I failed because I was the one who left. He was my best friend and all I ever knew. I had moved from living with my parents to being with him. Yet still we never married.
During this time if I wanted to spend time with him I had to tag along and do what he wanted. And I gladly did so because I wanted to and I was smitten. This concept gradually filter through our relationship that I would do almost all things that he wanted and forget my own dreams. If I did mention dreams or aspirations they were met with a cheerful discouragement (as in "You would be awesome at that, but when would you have time or how would you afford that") placing doubt in my abilities and making me throw away a lot of dreams because it felt like it was too big of a hurdle. I loved him completely. With all of my soul. I would have done anything for him. But I didn't get that in return. When I said I was leaving he said he wanted to marry me. Like throwing that in my face would make me stay.
The lyrics I heard were along the lines of if you love someone you make time for them...... I did that he didn't. I accepted his years of drinking in the shed while I was upstairs in solitude. Or that I would have to go to parties and dinner with my friends by myself because he didn't ant to come. We had seperate lives in our relationship even though i always invited him and tried to include him.
I realise now that he gradually (and unintentionally) broke my spirit. He used up all the love I had and then wanted more. Its not that he didn't love me. He claims he still wants me back and cares greatly for me. Wants to try and be my dominant. But that trust is broken. And now we are both doing things we intended to do for the past 10 years. Almost like we were holding eachother back.
Dont get me wrong I still care for him. He can be the most warmest and caring person. But I cant go back to that place. The passive aggressive behavour was soooo damaging. And I had grown so intuned to it that even the most simplest remarks had me upset.
For a while I wondered why it all fell apart. Because from the outside world we appeared perfect. He appears perfect. But the truth is he never let me in. Even after all those years I was still meeting friends of his and had places he had never taken me. But they were never important. I was never important enough. That is not my fault and its not for lack of trying.
I made a promise to myself tonight to not reenter a relationship where I give my all and get pennies in return. He should let me in. I want to see every part of him like I will bare myself also. Because I am important and I do matter...... we all do. Words are beautiful and I fall in love with them, but actions cement them into place. Without action words are only stories. Empty promises.
So if you have someone special please show them. And I dont mean in gifts. I mean in your time. Open up yr mind to them and let them in. Share your world with no restrictions......
