Ive spoken of this lost feeling before. This deep yerning inside. Im needing. Needing someone to trust and pull me out of myself. Im strong willed and independent but that driving force that makes me keep searching is a force i can not ignore. To wish to be ignited. It makes me mad when people assume that i am not submissive because i dont drop at their feet in our first conversation. I am a sexual submissive but only to a very special person. It does not pop its head up with just anyone. I get no pleasure from randomly playing with others. Infact that makes me worse.
Im still trying to fill that whole that HE left. He pulled me out and made me want more. Made me beautifully vulnerable yet i felt safe all at once. The only way to move past it now is to replace it. But i cant help compare, which i know is totally not fair. I can not just switch off my head and my heart. For so long now i have tried to ignore that feeling of want and need. Needing to belong. To let my walls down which are becoming heavy because i built them so high.
Unknown to me the more i ignored it the stronger it grew till now it is bubbling up. But there is no release. Maybe my standards and desires are unreasonable. My past suggests no. The more i search the higher my walls go. So stop looking i hear you say... well i try. But im not made that way. Im made to be with someone. I told a friend recently that i don't need it but i want it. He disagrees with me and says that it is my need. And i cant help feel he is right. It doesn't mean that i need someone to make me happy or to make me whole. It is more that driving deep feeling.
My head keeps fighting my heart. Trying to play tricks on it. To make it say the things people tell me to. That i should be alone for a while. And i have..... but that is not what makes me happy. I need that mental stimulus that i can not acheive myself. This mind set has me acting not quite like myself. Not exactly sure what my point is. But if you got this far congratulations lol
