When your heart is aching but your head says it is for the better.
Logically I know that people change, situations change and life moves along never standing still. Yet I wish I could go back to when it was more simple and I thought I was happy. I say thought, because I had a deep desire that I hid. I managed it in different ways. And I thought that I was happy. I thought I was in control.
Now my heart is heavy but not because it wants to return to that place, more because it does not feel like it has a home and it sees the broken pieces it made in its adventure to depart.
I did the wrong thing. I was not truthful to anyone including myself. I didn't lie but I also didn't tell. It would be easier if he were mad at me, but he's not. Instead he cares for me and offers support. Tells me I'm wanted and loved. Gives me kisses on my head and drops flowers at my door. I dont deserve that kindness and because he is not angry with me, I beat myself up instead. And I feel that might be worse. He's killing me with kindness and im drowning in guilt. I pick myself back up and im good for a while, until the waves take out my legs from underneath me and I tumble in the depths. Its a cycle I dont know how to break and unfortunately one I know I must do myself.
Today I'm writing for myself. To be truthful to myself. To get these words out of my head. To try and stop pulling myself apart. Im not seeking your sorrow or support. It will only push my head back under. But if you have advice on how to pick myself up I will listen. This has been for me more of a realisation post and im sorry its not a happier note. But I am realizing this is a heart breaking process I must go through.