I will start this blog with a disclaimer. These are just my thoughts. There is nothing right or wrong just simple discussion. I realize that this may be a hard thought for some people. Being a Slave. But i am speaking here of a Consensual Slave. Im talking of TPE (Total Power Exchange) and i am not here to make anybody uncomfortable. If you know these topics are not for you that is fine but please stop reading right here......
Ive been fairly certain of my position and where i stand in submission for a little while now. When i found a blog written by a submissive i immediately identified with her. With her thoughts and feelings. So i started to venture out of my vanilla world and attached that label wearing it proudly over my heart. I am a submissive.
After a little time I felt the need to go a step further. So i self branded myself with a professional tattoo forever known as Star. It was a symbol to myself. And a little freedom for me. I kept venturing deeper. I made connections with people who opened up my world both online and in real life. Each showing me different parts of myself. Each cementing that i made the right choice.
So when you are challanged as to what you think you are. What if someone sees something in you that you never thought about, never realised was there. I met someone a little while ago who pointed out my Little tendencies. Yet i never thought of myself that way. He directed me to read different articles to see how i identified and felt with the words of someone more knowledgeable. It was comforting to find other like minded people and have that side of me brought out.
Right now i am going through something similar. But i am struggling with it. Not because i don't see the elements being brought to my attention, more because i never saw myself as a slave. The title has a stigma with me which is stupid i know. I am a whole hearter person, i love to care for others i always have. I used to call it my mother hen complex lol. I am also needy and have a rather high expectation of my dominant. That he is as needy as me. I crave attention. I want a deep deep connection and upmost i desire honesty and openness.
I love that BDSM is forever changing. Challenging me. Both mentally and emotionally. Making me strive to be better. So right now i am reading and chatting where i can. Asking questions and testing waters. Because the truth is that although i have a stigma about the title, all the other elements seem to fit.
Natural service submissive, i crave control, protocol and connection. I wish for as close to 24/7 as possible. Complete acceptance of me and who i am. To be given the safe space to be open and explore without fear of retribution, ridicule or physical harm. I wish to give myself completely and be owned by someone who deeply understands me. TPE but without the micromanagement..... i have met a few doms locally who all struggle with the elements that i need... not want but need.... but now i have found someone who wants all of that plus more. Who wants it all. Not demanding but rather that i offer it. That i come to him with all of me, naturally. He knows my struggles and is waiting patiently for me to explore the idea, digest it and ask questions.
If i wish to continue I am to come to him formally and ask him to accept me. To start slow and build over time. But to be given the platform to freely explore and let go. To fill not only his needs but my own. My needs to serve and his to give me that control. To find where our dynamic sits and how it fits. And i think that is the key. Whatever title you wish to place on it, it is about finding that dynamic that works for you two. And really as long as it is SSC, openly discussed prior, it really doesn't matter what the outside world believes. Even that of the BDSM community that you reside in. Now im not talking about abandoning all your piers and their opinions, because most im sure would simply be concerned for physical and mental safety. What i mean is not letting other people ideas of what a relationship should be to determine your own. Many have told me what i desire is not plausible. I think it is more that it makes them uncomfortable but not me.
The parts that are more extreme frighten me a little but i know that with time, trust and love that i am capable of anything. I should be screaming and running for the hills. But instead im reading, researching and playing with the idea in my head. Questions Questions and more Questions. Is it possible that my preconceived ideas are wrong. The things that scare me also turn me on. I feel the trembles in my heart and the excitement in my stomach. And that is all i know.
After all a title is only truely that..... a title....... it means only what i want it to.
