My self experience

I wrote this as I summited one of the peaks at Devil's Lake in Wisconsin. It's a quite cool day with few people on the trail so hiking is ideal. I understand now why hiking is so popularized. It may have been one of the first recreational drugs.

But this has more to do with it then that. I now have the goal of hiking with a partner up to a secluded summit and having just some great sex.

I immediately began to get aroused as I reached a steeper portion of the climb closing in on the summit and thought back to the Masidonian women (my age, attractive, brown hair, nice figure) who was flirting with me as she served me breakfast this morning. How her company would have be a treat.

Tonight I will enjoy the Wisconsin ways with cheese curds and spotted cow.

Are there any fellow hikers who have come across the same thing?

16 Personalities

“The Advocate” (INFJ-A)
Traits
Introverted-61%
Intuitive-56%
Feeling-67%
Judging-56%
Assertive-58%
Role-Diplomat
Strategy-Confident Individualism

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==

100% Switch
100% Rope bunny
98% Rigger
92% Primal (Hunter)
68% Slave
66% Sadist
61% Submissive
60% Master/Mistress
60% Dominant
58% Experimentalist
54% Primal (Prey)
53% Vanilla
46% Pet
45% Owner
43% Daddy/Mommy
41% Degrader
39% Brat tamer
37% Exhibitionist
35% Brat
26% Non-monogamist
24% Voyeur
21% Ageplayer
13% Masochist
10% Boy/Girl
0% Degradee

Today I realized I am a Switch.

O god I feel so free and light like a transformation is taking place in my psyche. Haveing a space to admit my true nature has allowed me to sheed alot of barriers that I've placed myself in.  

For a while now I have had the urge to submit to a women but everytime I was interested I was not able to find someone who knew how to properly capture my mind in the way I desired. Their was also an unfortunate encounter with a past lover that was not ok. 

Up to this point Id yet to meet any dominant male or female that shared my views on role responsibilities. Everywhere I read there was degradation, and pegging which seemed very physically possession based. I am in my nature truly stimulated by intellect. We have to meet each other on an intellectual level that is diverse. 

Im not sure why I attracted so many women who had just the poorest approach to me. Very much lead and clear with the assumption that because I am man all I need is to be physically satisfied and it will be enough. Everytime it was a let down. I sometimes miss the days when I could just enjoy a women's company but increasingly these days I am left dissatisfied by the lack on stimulating conversation they are able to provide. 

Until today. I was graced by the words of three goddesses and my insides lit up increasingly as I read through their comments on my blog and read their own blogs. I could feel myself compelled to refer to them as mistress as I responded to their posts and reached out to them through personal message. Not because they have earned that title but because I was releasing a new energy within myself.

They are individually unique and special  women in their own right  but ultimately what I was showed was the capacity for dominance that was not based in physical submission or humiliation but the genuine care and tender nurturing I had so longed for. 

I have longed to kneel at the alter of high Femanine beauty and receive that soft loving into my life. I wish now to find a mistress that invigorates me on an intellectual level and is deserving of me to submit to her.  

Today I came to terms with the reality of my future.

It's something I've contemplated for about a year or more. Right now I'm 27 about to leave the military to begin my education back in Texas with a high chance of being successful. I can say this because my confidence and approach to problems are relentless, but in the most strategic long term way that preserves tact and places timing as a priority. 

I really began to see what was available for me when I started to realise how few women in my generation are capable of engaging in truthful honest loving relationships. Then as I grew I noticed they as individuals were impeded by the lack of self awareness. This is due to no fault of their own in my eyes. 

My main problem in relation to partnership is I know once I've reached my success (age 36-38) is when women are going to start really approaching me and attempting to initiate relationships ,which I get. They would prefer a full man who is stable and has a career with the ability to provide, but their initial spur to interest won't come from who I am but what it is I do or can provide (material benefits over spiritual ones) and I don't want that.

I do want to have children (2) one boy one girl or two boys. I want to be able to travel, live and raise my family in another country, and buy my mother a house cause she raised me with love and is deserving of living her life in peace. I'd prefer to have biological children and am not looking to be a step father. 

My solutions to what ales me.

If I have not found someone I want to marry by the time I finish college I'm not going to get married. I'd like my children to grow up in a house hold with strong Masculine and Femanine so I will accept having a partner, but they will have no rights to my children or my property. My children deserve stability in their house so the last thing I want for them is to have to rearrange their lives because of someone that chose themselves over their children. 

I will find a surrogate for my first child and adopt for my second one. These decisions only come from a place of what is available to me.

I see many loving successful full women all the time but none quite ready to love themselves so much that they are ready for partnership. I don't think we know how to love ourselves the best way possible. We are good at keeping ourselves alive and preserved, but It takes someone else to love you more then you ever thought possible because no matter how much we love ourselves we will always be capable of loving someone else more. 

I'd happily sit and listen to someone capable of sharing why the women of the age group I'm interested in for marriage (25-37) are so resistant to being loved (preferably a women). The most I've come up with is different forms of fear, self confidence, inability to communicate, or disbelief that its even possible.

I'm even interested in hearing people's best guesses cause I'm fully aware there might be something I have not realised or seen that may alter my point of view. 

I decided to treat my self today. There has always been something sensual about hotel rooms for me. I'm sure it has to do with when I was a young man before I left my parents house for the Navy.

Before you go to boot camp you have a DEP (Delayed Entry Program) pool you meet with weekly before you leave. One day we show up for a meeting and they have local banking representatives there for those of us who are interested in setting up an account. 

I notice one of the tellers is looking around the room but out of the corner of my eye I can tell she is resting on me a little longer with each pass. Now this was a Women (at least in my eyes at a time) I was 18 and just graduated high school she was 26 with a career but for some reason it did not phase me. I noticed there was an openness to her. A place she wanted me to walk through.

I approached her with interest in opening up an account and the interaction was very professional. We didn't flirt in the way I had before it was a dance. She was open and clearly wanted me to approach her directly but I knew if I did I would have to settle for a lesser prize and give her gratification too soon. 

I took her card and waited about three days before I reached out to her. My intentions were direct. "You are very attractive and I want us to meet up". This was the day I learned to be honest and direct in the things I wanted. And for that I was rewarded. 

We enter the hotel room and I did my best to stay calm like I knew what I was doing. I emptied my pockets and took a seat at the edge of the bed. The ceiling way painted a beautiful murali of the mountains and the sky. One entire wall was a mirror which provided an excellent view point to our bodies. 

Her head meet right at my chest. Her skin was supple. I remember vividly in my mind to this day the way her body shook and vibrated as I took her from behind. Her orgasms sent her into deep breathing and there was a transformation she was going through. I could feel the weight of the world lifting from her body everytime she came. Her moans were exhaustive from the labor of releasing the pent up energy that was flowing to her surface and letting it's self free. 

She was no longer her name, or her ego. She had submitted not to me but to her true self. The her that was inside that wanted to be but never had permission. She was free and I could feel her body glow from within. 

She commanded me to go deeper into her and pleaded I release myself on her face. She became whole as I washed over her. Her hands were so soft as she grabbed me and took me into her mouth. I was looking down at a different women on her knees then the one one who I came in with. A full women.

That day was the day I knew what I would always desire most. We layed and talked and she nurtured my mind in a way no girl could. My desire for a women's touch was awakened that night. 

So again here and now I lay in this hotel room for myself to feel that energy I felt that night once again. Reliving these memories and sharing them allow me to grow. By doing so I am making space to create new experience in my life. 

I am again at a point where I am seeking a women in want of being her self with me. For those interested you will need to prove yourself capable and ready to discover you in a way you might not have had a chance to before. 

I enjoy talking to both experienced and non experienced members of the lifestyle so message me. I'd like to get something out of a good conversation with one another. 

I wanted to see what would it take to being myself out of sexual immaturity without a partner. This might come to be a surprise for some but Margaret Sanger's" Women and the New Race" was a source of fuel for a small part of this. 

Taoism and the Modern Masculine Moment (that's what I call it) also were part of the mix.

But the major source was my desire to progress and be both mentally and emotionally healthy. Being the age that I am (27 moving to 28) I've been fortunate enough to have a healthy array of experiences to inform me on what healthy partnership is like. 

What I didn't have is what healthy loneliness was like. Note for men masturbating to completion every day is not helpfull. I'd lost the masculine energy that made me such a strong youthful bull by to often releasing that energy by myself. I'd thought it was self love but as much as I was doing it it was more like self sacrifice. 

I just woke up one day and missed feeling in touch with my man hood. My energy had been depleted and I was not only ready to get it back but allow mself to develope the way I was suppose to. 

It has been 30 days since semen has left my body and i once again am in love with my inner Masculine. I coupled this with a 5-2 fasting life style and my internal is back to when I was 20. Just as exciting my external is doing the same. 

Week 1

Mild to no urge to orgasm. At most a few deep breaths kept me cool but I could feel an internal change happening.

Week 2 

Last time I could remember having a wet dream was when I was in 6th grade. Had them for weeks 2 and 3 waking up with full erections.

Week 3 

Noticable urges to orgasm became frequent but keeping in mind what my body was going through I changed my routine to release more energy through the day. Walks in the morning and afternoon as needed with strength training and running sessions. This was challenging with fasting cause I was experiencing increased levels of testosterone because of the lack of food. 

My view of women and intimacy changed more to come towards the end.

Week 4

Comfort with the change has set in and drive combined with creativity have returned to a stable level. Package both penis and testicles size increased. I am walking around with healthy flow to the area. So much so I have to sit at my desk for a few minutes cause I might wonder into some dirty thoughts at work and before I know it I'm fully erect. Sleep at an all time perfect.

My most beautiful growth has been the desire for the sacred feminine. My desire for it no longer come from my loins but from my energy center between the top on my pibis and my diaphragm. Many identify this as confidence. I am attracted to it like a magnetic pole searching for it's equal opposite. 

I desire her not for her external anymore but for her mind and her soul which I can feel with mine when I am close. My mindset as a Dominant is now lock and key. I feel her even though I have not found her and my desire for her to submit to me is from a place of care and nurture. To stroke her face as she looks up to me, to place my hands around the back of her neck between lashes to comfort her, for her to feel my voice when I speak to her. 

My desire for women no longer come from a surface connection place but by a desire to pair with them on a spiritual level when we interract 

Petite mort (little death) is what the French refer to a male orgasm. I have excepted death but it will take a women both strong and sensual, loving and caring, smart and delicate to slay me. 

Signed,

A Man looking for his Women