Do you only fall in love once?
I've spent the last few years since my divorce (2018) being optimistic and focusing on myself. Shout out to a successful relationship with my mental health. Quest complete.
I still have a missing part that is not a detriment but leaves me feeling like 3/4's of what I know fullfilment feels like. I walk through life with a hunger/desire deep in me and so far i feel like it's having something I've had before.
It culminates in a simple act. When it's one in the morning and your body breaks from a dream. Your eyes still closed you roll over and throw your arm around the external manifestation of your love. They hold your heart in their existence. There is a levity in life to be able to trust someone with that. Like a shared burden of bringing you happiness is now split and by just existing they are able to uphold their half.
The security to hold your heart in your hands and feel that comfort pressed against your body is something I have now found a match for. I have enveloped myself into obsession, exercise, drinking, debauchery, meditation, enlightenment, deprivation, fasting, just pushing on all parts of me to stretch my understanding of my existence.
I still feel this missing part of me. It's like intermittently walking on an edge. One side is to abandon all expectation and close myself to feeling comfort and suppress any expectation of living with it again. The other is to continue to walk the edge and keep hope there will be a day I no longer exist as 3/4's but 1.
I am at a road of accepting that I can live one of two lives.
One that is open to finding someone and the (what some might classify as pain) purpose for feeling this depth in my emotion is to (like a black hole) travel through it to the other side where a new truer world exists that I am suppose to exist in. That the purpose to feeling what I felt at one time is so I can set my expectations for what I should seek in life.
The other is one where I trade a future of satisfaction by transmuting this energy into a fuel source to propel my life into oblivion. I will bond and marry my soul to the feeling of abandonment and go on to deform myself into something that can perform inhuman acts with the hope to progress the future of humanity.
This is a beautiful existence in my eyes. I believe only great things can be achieved through in ordinary existences. Through sole devotion and disregard for current perceptions of the world can you find what is in the dark waiting to be discovered.
Both require great courage but one will need me to evolve my soul into something that will have me walk on a road of abandon. For once there I will be unreachable. I will be cast to the universe and no standard human will be able to reach out to me. My relation to the current perceptions of my race will be gone.
But through this there is still hope. I may once cast adrift find again my oasis. Maybe by casting my current soul another is meant to inhabit my body. My final soul. My final form. Maybe once through this I will be.
I believe I have sufficiently convinced myself to step into the void. There is a peace in the abandonment of my current reality. To be able to have a new perception on how the world is. In this new reality I am free blissfully walking with ignorance allowing my past life to protect me without needing to be activly aware.
Lol I feel almost like and explorer. A conqistador on the seas of conciseness. As I prepare to set sail I can feel my physical form pulling me. My primal desires are inflamed. These are the demons that will keep me company and busy. A constant war that I will only win through abstention. To interact would be to give in. To give in would be to lose. Only through surrender is victory found.
