Ruby Ruby Ruby

I'm only making this a blog post so ppl can see it easier...I was approached by someone on this website who in their 3rd message to me (2nd after "hello blah blah blah") asked if I'd be willing to get breast implants?!

Excuse me, but we havent even gotten to know each other beyond "hi, how're you?" And now your asking me to augment my body and move? Ugh get a new approach. I was going to write this in a message to them but they might see this and now you all can too. 

Have a nice night everyone (including THAT person) I'm taking a break. 

<3 thank you for reading and thank you for existing. 

I was able to put a decent amount of my paycheck into my savings. What a great feeling! I've not been burdened with the sadness as heavily, these last few days, which has been nice. Thanks for everyone's kind words :)

I'm sure the downswing will come but for right now I'm trying to keep my chin up! 

Thank you for existing and be well <3

I woke up this morning after a rather emotional day/night. I was stuck in my head last night. This morning I woke up refreshed, I actually slept halfway decent, spoke with a sexy friend and was feeling good. 

After lunch I felt it creeping like a wretched choke vine, that feeling of sadness that deep fucking gut wrenching keep you in bed for days sadness. I looked at the clock, too late to call into work-cant afford it anyway. Deep breaths, got my uniform on and set out. Was doing ok on the drive. I live about 45 mins away from my place of employment. 

Got in, chit chatted with co-workers and just now it hit me like a mac truck. Coming back from dropping off dirty pool towels I started to tear up, lump in my throat. 

So here I sit, writing in my "cry cave" at work before I have to cover a break. It's never been this bad. I know the techniques to help quell the tears and push out the lump. Writing is one of them. Gonna see a therapist on Tuesday, hopefully he will help since I've never seen him before. Of he doesnt, I'll have to call my regular counselor. We will go over acceptance,  I'm sure. 

I accept that I can't change how people feel, I accept that healing these wounds will take time but it still hurts. I promise as soon as something positive happens I will share it here haha :)

Thank you for existing, and be well. <3

I've thought about writing here for awhile, I've been reading a few blogs over the last few weeks and y'all seem like decent humans. So, allow me to vent, if you dont mind. 

I'm sitting here in my bed crying cause my 3 month relationship ended (had nothing to do with this site) in August. It ended terribly. 

This young man and I had a whirlwind romance, we fell hard and fast for one another. He treated me like a princess and I did my best to reciprocate those feelings back at him .I hate confrontation and I love to please, it's in my nature to keep people happy...until they piss me off. 

Trust. This guy had more MAJOR trust issues. To the point where I made a joke about sleeping with a celebrity and he ended up not letting me leave his house (read: his bedroom) for 7 hours because he "just wanted to talk" which culminated in him screaming at me, calling me a liar, stealing my car keys, laying behind my car so I couldn't back out and cutting himself. 

Now, any reasonable human would encounter that situation and say "deuces! Boy, bye!" Nope. Not me. I knew I couldn't fix him but maybe I could still be the good in his life? He once told me I had to have been made of stars because I was so good to him, of course, this was before the above incident. 

Anyway, I thought I could handle it. Thought I could still be a light for his darkness. I tried. I cried a lot. I got angry. I was more blunt with him then I was before the freak out. But I never stopped being who I was prior, the freak out he had just smashed my rose colored glasses a bit. If that makes sense. 

Well, he felt I was being distant. I conceded that I probably was being, subconsciously, distant due to that episode. I tried to be better. As did he, dont get me wrong, he tried to make it up to me. But he would get angry over the dumbest stuff that would then make me angry. You ever try arguing with a brick wall? That's what it was like with him. He could never let something go once he got his argumentative hooks in it. I'm the opposite, I need to step away and calm down. Cooler heads prevail, as they say. 

Anyway, I digress, he had another freakout, less extreme than the first but scary enough that I called a family member who was going to come get me from dude's house. He wouldn't give her his address so she called the cops. I ended up making it home via The Police and he took every pill he had and ended up in the ICU. 

We tried to remain friends. It failed. But, still, here I sit. Sad and angry that the only man who ever treated me so great and so terribly still has this space in my head. I feel like I lost him, that I didn't try hard enough to be the light for him. My rational mind knows this is bullshit but I cannot convince my emotional mind of this. Ugh. It just sucks. 

Sorry for rambling. I do feel a little less cry-ee after typing this out. Thanks for existing everyone. Be well.