From before puberty I was under attack by my Catholic upbringing masturbation is sinful your a slut who will burn for all eternity, if you don't wait till marriage. The nuns who taught me would really have someone believe that Jesus cries everytime a man or woman so much as think of wasting there sexual energy-- out of marriage.
This led in part to the backlash as to why i got into kink so young (between 16-25) loved playing with others and finding out who I was. Yet one thing i never did was masturbate! My mind was so beaten down i felt like self sexual release was the worst thing I could possibly do.
Sucking off a guy, or playing with some kittens pussy at least that was done in love, and could go somewhere-- Jesus could approve. But masturbating I had internalized the teachings it was unnatural, unholy, and if I wanted to be right with my soul I shouldn't ever do it.
Well I have since lost my faith (thank god lol) Yet still alot of my apprehension around playing with myself persists. I havent had a regular partner for years but I can't masturbate. Sometimes my urges are so strong from little things like the splash of shower water, or a cool summer breeze up my skit or worst of all a wet dream I am in tears of torment. I have had dreams so steamy which have woken me up and youd wonder if someone took a hose to my vagina. It has got to stop! The longing for stimilation for self love for attention has only gotten more compelling the longer I have denied myself. i am an adult yet have more in common with a horny teen afraid of there body.
When I have on occasion started to touch myself i usually freak out the moment gets me anywhere. I usually bite my lip or my fingers until the pain overcomes the pleasure and I stop touching. Besides the fact I am getting tired of bite marks on my fingers I have decided to employ a toy the first toy I have bought since i was 20 and it is a hitachi wand it seems like women have used it to liberate themselves for generations-- the only question is am I ready?
