An inauthenticity has ruined most my adult life. I used to judge and diminish the woman I am. I had in my head said I'm a lesbian who doms/ tops women and that's all there is to it.
The first cracks started to show early in life I had to refuse people pleasing me especially penetration. I had argued it was because it ruined the mental sensation of my attempts at masculinity. That wasn't the truth it's because it brought my inner bitch to the surface.
The few times in my life I was fully satisfied, I ran away from the situation. I do say only a few because I often avoided these moments, or the people who brought em about as if they were about to destroy me, because they caused me to question my own self idenity.
Yet for all the resistance, I only achieved one thing for myself outta it absolute -- misery. Forsaking my own needs even contaminated my ability to enjoy doming women, because seeing them happy even with me would make me so unbelievably jealous, inside it felt like razor blades cutting out my heart connected through my pussy.
I'd often think "look at that happy little bitch so in love and content why can't I share in this with her" or "I should tell her that I wanna experience it as well." Yet I never said those things out loud and I carried on repressing myself till I just couldn't do it anymore.
For years, I been to scared to be with anyone for fear I'd have to confront my inner need, imagine feeling dead in your 30's sexually because you're to afraid to admit you were wrong about yourself, and too weak to grow into something new bold and worst of all different.
I felt as if I spent too many years down the wrong track, can't teach an old bitch new tricks.
