If you took the time to click and read thank you please leave a comment if you have one i have never attempted to be so transparent publicly.
So like many stereotypes I had a broken home abusive father I barely saw, a mother coping with substance abuse. They tried to control every aspect of my life through beatings fear and neglect Due to this I went to court to become an independent minor. But like when your 16 and your the adult in your life what do you do next?
In my case I had a child advocate that kinda watched out for me but I had alot of anger and resentment. I also felt unbelievably lonely.
Well growing up in New York City that was enough to tip someone off to kinda be like sex work? I was able to express I didn't have any interest and because of being abused I had trained in martial arts and was built like a professional female MMA athlete they had other ideas.
Someone I don't remember who said do you wanna get your rage out on people who'd love you for it?
I was like wait so let me get this straight people will pay me to beath the living shit outta em while dressing like a goth demon. Why the hell not? So even though I in my mind didn't do sex acts I had an awful amount of fun throwing guys around whipping them caning them cutting them beating them stepping on em crushing there junk it was fun, and I was getting so much positive feedback for it.
I mean where else did my unique skills and strengths feel so suited. Yet despite being a dominatrix in training i had a few girl friends but finally I found one i really cared for her name is S anyway she knew about my kink and that I was getting tired of doing it. She was in part interested in me because she was into rough intense situations.
I had very much been someone who aims to please so if someone asked me for something Id usually oblige how I even ended up ripping out some poor bastards tooth.
Anyway with S she asked me to do simulated rape with beatings breath play and forced penetration with my biggest attachment. I had told her I didn't fully feel comfortable but was like well lets see how it goes.
So first comes the fact to get me going i guess since I didn't want to do it she started hitting me spitting on me and screaming at me what a soulless monster I am.
I was finally provoked enough to give her what she wanted I slapped her around ripped her clothing off fought her into a position where I could force the harness endowed bigger then any male i ever saw inside and just crush on her and she was scratching at me and screaming for help then I broke the moment and I was like S do you want me to stop and shes like you idiot I wanted you to choke me till I pass out.
I choked her and as hard as she screamed nothing could come out and she orgasmed so hard all over me I could feel her whole body tremble and she pissed herself. I then let her go and she was pissed. She's like i asked you to choke me until I passed out gasping for air.
I was like excuse me I love you, you had such an interes orgasm I couldn't hurt you anymore and didn't wanna risk it She said some nasty things about how I'm too fucked up to be normal but not enough to please her or whatever, it was quite sad that trying to please her wild side ultimately led to us no longer being together or friends.
Since then I got outta doing it with randos entirely and tried really hard for a long time to slowly un kink myself think it was the "right" thing to do.
But today I fully accept the life is a part of me and although it mighta started outta a bad place, it did really help me to gain confidence, control, meet sweet loving people and there was plenty of joyful moments.
I am not the person I was, and to be honest I wanna learn more about who I am today even if its not who I thought I would be, evolve or die I choose evolution.
