Just wrote this letter to my best female friend.
I know I have always been biologically a woman but if I think logically about this my feminine nature being incorporated as a part of my identity is so difficult n unpleasant I m deeply vexed.
One my issues with sex with men the violent incident made me sware that off entirely. For awhile the thought of even a guy being interested would make me visibly sick also why I put on the weight to make it so no guy ever would want lust for me the same way my attcker did.
I might still be bisexual but my preference has switched as I stopped repressing my bodies natural impulses. I have felt such urgency n interest in men that even as an atheist it made me wanna get on my hands n knees n curse god for making me this way n putting these feelings in my heart.
Even with all the women I loved before, one being a woman I was engaged to I had never felt such painful lust. Joining other women in having this as a part of me has been not something I wanted or could predict.
My first real crush Jay is finally interested in me in after 2 years of making my interest known to him. According to past him he didn't think I was mentally or sexually mature before n he hated the idea it could hurt our relationship. Also he was working on himself as well.
Yet theres a big hurdel he likes sexually agressive confident women.
Oh yeah why not ask me to build my own car while your at it. A raped sexually abused female who didn't even wanna belive they could ever accommodate a man has to bring the sexual spark.
Yeah I'm naturally assertive and with women I enjoy being the agressor but my first time ever with a guy if I want Jay I can't just be a pillow princess or supportive.
Nope I gotta dig deep n get him going by summoning the willpower to push through my own insecurities n mental anguish.
I can't believe my first willing time with a man when he knows I only even started masturbating last year hed put that on me. But such is life the same way I didn't want an interest in men he can't help the type of female he prefers.
Having the proper hormones while being sexually stimualting has caused me to have regular more painful longer periods.
For better or worse it was quite common to maybe only have 1-4 periods a year n maybe they would last a day or two.
I had blaimed it on getting covid because when I did I had the worst period in my adult life. But it also coincidentally was around the time I started being more solo sexual.
Since then every 20 or so days for 3-4 days. It got so bad I think I told you once ron (male roommate) confronted me about puting panties I kinda got dirty that way in the regular laundry.
It's like damn makes sense but I don't even wanna think about having periods at all now I have to be mindful.
Also due to the shortage In May of supplies nationally I bought period panties.
So I had to change my life to accommodate my blossoming body.
I had to accept n greive that I would probably like to be a mother infact the last nail in the coffin in me n rons ever being more than friends was when he mocked n jokingly said how great it is im sterile because he wouldn't want a kid n if I ever get sexual with him that makes me greater then most women.
I looked him dead in the eye and said "did you ever think about all the comments n jokes just as a defense mechanism due to what was done to me you peice of shit you wanna never have a kid get your balls clipped.".
I continued "Oh n by the way you got 3 idiot sons if I want kid be it adopted, donated egg, or otherwise you can go fuck yourself, you don't gotta say in my life old man."
He's like you never talked like that before whats going on? Looking stupidly confused.
This is evolution, you don't like it fuck you.
My mantra for all people who don't accept me breaking my bondage to the past.