Anyone who has read deeper into my blog knows I have and am battling issues. I am trying to accept myself and grow into a healed person the fully realized women I was born to be.
My main issue is my family made me feel insecure and uncomfortable in being a biological female and that somehow I am a freak or odd which ultimately led me to kinda adopting some of those same views for the majority of my life.
It is hard to think that if my family didn't other me, and treat me as a weird freak that I myself would at this very moment feel as I do.
My discomfort in being me stems from before I have memory.
They would argue it is not their fault for the poor choices. They would argue it was confusing for them, they didn't understand about intersex, and they didn't know what to do, or how to care for me.
Well clearly yelling at me, beating me, treating me like an animal, and forcing me to see doctors who treated me more liked a science experiment then human didn't help me their daughter.
Also never admitting that it was wrong to force FtM treatments on me against my protest.
It's funny advocates for trans kids always argue with those saying safe guards need to be in place so that things aren't done too soon. I mean what would a kid know right? Yet no such protection exists for intersex kids infact the medical community is still arguing with intersex advocates because they are split on early intervention vs waiting.
What's the split, my life is the results of getting it wrong these are mistakes that can't be taken back and ruin lives and families.
But did they my family or doctors listen to me or my feelings, of course not what would this stupid medical oddity child know about themselves before they did. They followed the money method early correction frim commitment and let medical science do the rest.
Much of my fear and insecurities I am fighting with are the same ones I always had.
I'm unlovable
I'm not normal
I ruined my family by being born
I'm gonna die with no one to even mourn me
If i ever got married I have no one to invite
I'm not good enough to be loved
I deserved what happened to me
If my own family can't respect me what likelihood will anybody.
To try and rationalize that's the bullshit results of an abusive rapist dad who wanted nothing to do with me, so was borderline relieved when he didn't have to see me anymore at least because he didn't get any jail time for the abuse I mean don't go too easy on him judge.
And a mother who equally was going through a rough time. She tried to escape the difficulty of being a single mother on welfare with a family that shunned her for a teenage pregnancy and poor life choices by drugs taking the easy way out.
What examples were they supposed to set for me?
Thus I turned to shows like Batman the animated series, and xena warrior princess as some sorta how to kick ass when coming from difficulty: yeah you can go though insane truama and come out a hero.
I can be unsual and hurting but I can at least make the world a better place if I am noble, good, live for a cause, commit myself to my code, and remember maybe failure will come but to have never tried is worse never surrender the moral high ground.
What's interesting it has turned me into a quite successful person on paper: degrees, talent, decent job already, straight edge, on the path to medical school, saved counless people as an EMT and search and rescue volunteer, I tutor the underprivileged, and on occasion work on a mental illness suicide prevention web program.
But I made a core mistake in this, I thought I needed the pathos that Batman always feeling powerless to save his parents and those around him the alienation of xena the pain of her horrific past forcing her forever forward because she seeks to be redeemed but cannot forgive or forget all the mistakes she made.
News flash I'm not a fictional character, I'm a human and I can still do all the things I am doing but because I love doing it and enjoy helping people. I don't need pathos to justify my neuroticism and keep me living virtuously. I shouldn't torment myself to do the right thing or view myself as worthless aside for the good works I do.
I can work on what hurts me the person and needs fixing. I can become a fully realized individual, so I will hopefully not just look good on paper but honestly be someone people can enjoy being around. Easier said then done but I'm finally working on it so that's a start and I haven't failed at something I tried yet.
Love the one and only,
Icegirl
