Ice Girl's public thoughts.

As an EMT who started during covid it isn't new to experience death and suffering.

Yet in the last month my personal friend who was living with me while he transitioned decided he couldn't take the pain anymore and committed suicide, if that wasn't enough as an EMT when I called 911 to ask for a wellness check they pressed me to go into his room and exam him to decide if we needed emergency services.

While coping with that and dealing with his unsupported down right bigoted family my best female friends grandmother died of cancer and they live in Philadelphia and normally I would run to her side and be there for her but I just didn't have it in me this time my own personal grief and dealing with the fall out too intense to do much then listen to them on the phone a couple of times ahead those intense emotions with me.

If that wasn't all just last week my best and perhaps closest friends mother died and they had to fly out to North Carolina and help get there affairs in order we talked a couple of times but its finals week of all times for this to happen I just didn't have much time for him.

3 massive deaths in my life all within the last 3 weeks while I had to keep the wheels on and finish my semester. I finally did it turned in my last assignment Another 3 A's but I feel like I get 3 F's in how well I have done for me and my friends during this time.

I miss prince so much I wish there was something I could have done to help him I tried everyday I was in his life to lift him up and believe in him yet 100% of my love and appreciation wasn't enough to get him but a few more months of life.

My friends who have been going through stuff right now I am so sorry for how I might have failed you I really do love you and appreciate you I wish I had more time more energy more whatever you need me to be to make your life better. I would gladly sacrifice myself for someone I loved without hesitation yet what am I doing at the moment sitting in my room having just finished my last bit of school work screaming at the walls wondering if I can live up to my own unrealistic demands on myself for just one more day.

I will keep my head above my tears too many people pray for a hero and someone has to be strong enough to run into chaos and pull people through. Sorry that I had a human moment its important for the soul to know I have sympathy for myself even if I have to let go of these feelings before they have the chance to resolve too much good to fight for to be weak in defeat.

Love~