I made a post about having sexual feelings for the first time in my life and I have been getting some people saying how they are happy for me.
After this sorta thing kept happening I feel I must clarify since a comment tonight has brought me to the brink of self harm for the first time in years.
I feel so annoyed at people reading themselves into my previous post.
"I have to admit I'm a little envious of your experience, I had been wishing I could have something that helped my libido and make it easier to connect with potential lovers" (tone deaf)
I am in my 30's and literally besides a random naughty dream here or there since 13 over 20 years I had zero sexual interest or desire. I was a hard asexual - with demisexual tendencies because If I loved someone enough I would be intimate with them for their pleasure alone.
This was my idenity what I knew about me for god damn 20+ years!
A core aspect of my personality my very sexuality is on the verge of death and people are celebrating it🤬
like oh its not so bad, we all go thru puberty yours just hit a little later.
What's worse is when I talked to my doctors about how emotionally uncomfortable it is making me, they like to point out these feelings are healthy and that since the current hormone balance is making my body healthier, this is thriving! 😵
Well I'm sorry not to see it that way, to me it seems like a fucking obnoxious side effect triggered by trying some different hormone levels.
With all the medications that exist in the world the right balance has to sexualize me as an unwanted effect.
I complain about how frustrating it is because I feel betrayed by my body. I hate her (my body)for not being in lock step with my mind about sexuality anymore.
I see this as a corruption of my character.
A part of me is debating going non complaint with my medicine. I am pretty sure I'd rather be disabled then have a libido that's how fundamentally uncomfortable this is for me.
If you have anything at all to say you can say it publicly or not at all.
I don't want any dms over this writing, I am being fully transparent for people who know me so if you wanna talk do it publicly.
I am gonna find a way through this situation but it may mean I let my body fall apart. Don't judge what I do by what's right for you, this is my decision and I am being torn apart over it but will come to a decision eventually.
Also don't debate my feelings on this they are mine and mine alone.