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Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Me just sharing what comes to mind.
1 year ago. February 21, 2023 at 5:23 AM


I made a post about having sexual feelings for the first time in my life and I have been getting some people saying how they are happy for me.


After this sorta thing kept happening I feel I must clarify since a comment tonight has brought me to the brink of self harm for the first time in years.


I feel so annoyed at people reading themselves into my previous post.


"I have to admit I'm a little envious of your experience, I had been wishing I could have something that helped my libido and make it easier to connect with potential lovers" (tone deaf)


I am in my 30's and literally besides a random naughty dream here or there since 13 over 20 years I had zero sexual interest or desire. I was a hard asexual - with demisexual tendencies because If I loved someone enough I would be intimate with them for their pleasure alone.


This was my idenity what I knew about me for god damn 20+ years!


A core aspect of my personality my very sexuality is on the verge of death and people are celebrating it🤬


like oh its not so bad, we all go thru puberty yours just hit a little later.


What's worse is when I talked to my doctors about how emotionally uncomfortable it is making me, they like to point out these feelings are healthy and that since the current hormone balance is making my body healthier, this is thriving! 😵


Well I'm sorry not to see it that way, to me it seems like a fucking obnoxious side effect triggered by trying some different hormone levels.


With all the medications that exist in the world the right balance has to sexualize me as an unwanted effect.


I complain about how frustrating it is because I feel betrayed by my body. I hate her (my body)for not being in lock step with my mind about sexuality anymore.


I see this as a corruption of my character.


A part of me is debating going non complaint with my medicine. I am pretty sure I'd rather be disabled then have a libido that's how fundamentally uncomfortable this is for me.


If you have anything at all to say you can say it publicly or not at all.


I don't want any dms over this writing, I am being fully transparent for people who know me so if you wanna talk do it publicly.


I am gonna find a way through this situation but it may mean I let my body fall apart. Don't judge what I do by what's right for you, this is my decision and I am being torn apart over it but will come to a decision eventually.


Also don't debate my feelings on this they are mine and mine alone.


A depressed😮‍💨


Sunshinegirl​(sub female) - Please don’t let some random internet Karen bring you down. They only say these tone deaf things because they’re jealous or just feel the need to speak (on things that they don’t understand). Only you know what’s best for you, this might be a dumb question but is there anything else the doctor can give you without the unwanted side effects? Holistic approaches?
1 year ago
IceGirl​(switch female) - No humans bones and muscles are actually linked to sex hormones. Infact the number one hormone for bone health is estrogen itself and progesterone actually helps improve the quality of bones.

This came up because I was in an ambulance accident and tore my calf and it wasn't healing well so at John's hopkins medical center they got a team of people involved to figure it out. ( I am intersex at female at birth so I am a complicated case)

They did bone scans mris density scans vitamin test waste collections this was no easy task.

When my roommate bumped my foot and it broke in 7 places they brought in the consult of an associate professor of bone density and metabolism research and they all surmised that the issues are hormonally related.

After the values were adjusted in every metric I got better kidney liver heart and as fir my bones i went from my roommate bumping my foot breaking 7 bones in my foot to just last month i kicked thru the equivalent of a 2x4 in taekwondo and was training to compete and perhaps do marathons again.

But then as my health started to improve two things my periods which were always spotty started to become more regular and bloody which isn't good and all this sexuality stuff.

My doctors see this as wonderful news and a great accomplishment since it is an unattended positive. I was telling the bone specialist herself last Monday when I saw here that its not good i hate these changes they are messing with my head i feel like I'm going crazy.

To which she said i don't care about your feelings I'm hear about your health your a woman these feelings are natural they are innate and a apart of you I don't care what you feel about them you will have to adapt to them or what you wanna have someone bump your other foot and break 7 more bones you wanna be unable to do martial arts unable to run unable to live a normal healthy life because sex makes you that uncomfortable I'm sorry this is to ridiculous to entertain.

You will take these meds as your perscibed and you will take them until you die or else guess what the next time you have a significant injury like the one you suffered you may never walk again.

Oh yeah that's how serious this is. But i am just honestly that fucked up over all these changes. I would rather knowingly sabotage my health then continue to struggle truing to adapt to my body like this.
1 year ago
IceGirl​(switch female) - Estrogen is the key regulator of bone metabolism in both men and women. Menopause and the accompanying loss of ovarian estrogens are associated with declines in bone mineral density (BMD): 10-year cumulative loss was 9.1% at the femoral neck and 10.6%, lumbar spine. Estradiol concentrations also predict fractures
1 year ago
IceGirl​(switch female) - Progesterone seems to promote bone formation and/or increase bone turnover. It is possible, through estrogen-stimulated increased progesterone binding to the osteoblast receptor, that progesterone plays a role in the coupling of bone resorption with bone formation.
1 year ago
IceGirl​(switch female) - This is not a game a joke or anything other then absolutely what I am being faced with in order to nit have my bones start shattering all over the place from the slightest bump my hormone levels need to be maintained at this sweet spot they seemed to have found although it has the unintended side effect of causing my body to have its female processes enhanced i guess is the world.

Periods sexual needs desires libido yadda yadda these are things that i didn't have to deal with before and now i do they really expect me to just adapt to all these challenges claiming that the majority of women on earth can do it you can do it.

Heres the thing i don't fucking want to. Id rather be disabled I was torn at first because when I got that news on last Monday not yesterday the one before I was thinking of commiting sucide that i couldn't cope with all this. But that was when the only options were see it threw or avoid it.

I almost forgot there's the easy other option non compliance. Tada problem solved i can go back to how i was knowing fully well it means jts only a matter of time before I'm disabled wheelchair bound and probably die roughly 7 years sooner based on women with early onset menopause and diabetes. I was prediabetes but that was reversed by the hormone levels and my increased activity once i take the hormones off line my activity will have to go down without my body being able to repair its bones as well and thus it will come back and they combine to about 7 years earlier death.
1 year ago
Six Foot Four - Change can be tough and this seems to have struck at the core of who & what you are. You were X and now via these hormones you are shifting to Y. I have enjoyed your blog so I'm going to yap at you. To me, random yutz on the internet, it seems like you've disassociated the 'her' you mentioned (your body) from 'you,' that being your mind. If your medical team & internet commenters are right and you're going through puberty now, 'her' & 'you' are merging together into an integrated whole. I have found that western medicine is very good at patching up things we can see and very bad at dealing with things we can't see. It sucks that your medical team essentially said 'suck it up buttercup.' One of the issues I have with western medicine is that each little sub-specialty cares about their thing and if a protocol fixes what's wrong with their specialty and causes a problem somewhere else then it becomes someone else's problem to fix. From your doc's perspective, bones not breaking anymore = problem solved. Emotional turmoil caused by hormonal shifts = somebody else's problem.

For most of us, puberty hits and we're growing up and out in different and varying and sometimes very surprising ways. One day I just had hair where there was none. I was freaked the heck out. There's a sense of 'Whoa, that's not right!' Going through puberty is rough, but you're surrounded by a bunch of other people it's happening to at the same time and you can see them changing so it's just part of life and you're not going through it alone. I would be moderately horrified if something I thought was a key component of who and what I was for twenty years was suddenly not. Who is helping you through this?

I can't speak to what it is to be a female going through puberty. *scrolls up* Sunshinegirl is a female, maybe ask her. I'm a dude. With dude-parts. For some years there, I was my dick. I don't remember exactly how long. I couldn't think, I couldn't function unless that was satiated. Stereotypes don't come out of nowhere, and the teenage boy jacking it madly is one for a reason. But it happened gradually, over years. For you, it's like they flipped a switch and said 'here, here all the female FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and NEEDS and THINGS other girls get accustomed to bit by bit during adolescence.' That sounds overwhelming and tough to handle.

I think I've read your whole blog, though not recently. Who is helping you through this? Who are your people? Who on your medical team is taking care of your mental health? Your feelings?

I do not think you have presented a good solution set. Frankly, they all suck. Suicide, shattered bones -> disability -> early death, or being overwhelmed by feelings you can't handle are bad choices. These hormones are shattering your paradigm.

If it were me, I would seek to find others going through the same thing. That won't change what you're going through but can make it easier to handle. Normally I imagine a teen girl would ask her mother and her friends and they would help her through this. Your mom has not been very nice to *deletes name you used in your blog, replaces with profile name* IceGirl, so she's out. You're an adult in your 30s suddenly going through all these changes all alone and not in a high school clique. I would seek a sense of community, so you're not going through this alone.

*checks your location* Okay, so you're from Maryland. When I think Maryland, I think Baltimore, and you mentioned Johns Hopkins. A quick search reveals a number of groups for teen girls. You would have to call probably quite a few and explain your situation and ask if you can join. Plus I have no idea what your insurance would cover. Or maybe there's a group for folks undergoing sudden hormonal shifts.

If we stick with the sailing analogy, if you choose to weather the stormy seas and stay the course, in time the seas will probably calm and your feelings will stabilize at a level that you can handle. You can choose to return to the harbor. You can scuttle the ship. You're the Captain and it's your ship.

However, prior to committing to a course of action, I would see if there was a harbor pilot or bosun that could help a girl out. The counselor role that was once filled by priests is now generally filled by psychologists and therapists. I would find someone who has some skill in helping others handle their feelings and ask for help. I would see if you could become part of a convoy that can help each other out until you reach safe harbor.

I have appreciated your honesty throughout your blog, and I'd be interested to see which choice you make and which choices you continue to make. Good luck.
1 year ago
IceGirl​(switch female) - I been debating stopping the meds and disability.
1 year ago
I'mME - IceGirl,


I apologize that I didn't see this sooner.
I hope you will reconsider not stopping your mess. I read you loud and clear on you being uncomfortable in your body.
You have come this far, and the physical effects of yo-yoing your body is the only thing I worry about.

I hope at this time you are feeling better. Please let me know.
1 year ago

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