I woke at 3am in a cold sweat I ended up having to go and vomit because I was so nervous and upset.
I want to share my current struggle publicly because I think this is a decisive moment in my life.
I for the first time in nearly 15 years have fallen so in love with someone I'd consider marriage and even leaving the country with them if they felt it was better for there peace of mind and work.
I hadn't felt this level of profound emotion in so long that itself is at times enough to make me want to see a therapist just to talk about how its even possible to care about someone so much that I'd do anything for there happiness.
So now that it is stated I am in a growing healthy loving relationship 2 months strong there has been something that I feel makes them uneasy that they are polysexual and I have not shown any interest in another person over that time even when they have asked and encouraged me who would I consider and well the answer has always been I'm a demisexual it doesn't work like that for me the emotional connection has to be established first then I can consider another which is why even though I have never outright banned myself from seeing someone before while I was in a relationship it literally never happened (in part).
However that all changes today at 12 noon!
About two weeks ago I was going to the crucibles flea market and since I was going to be down there I figured I would combine it with a friend who was celebrating getting there apartment.
While at the house warming this woman walked in who commanded my attention maybe because something about them seemed familiar or because I just was interested in getting to know them.
So we chatted abit and it turns out we had a lot in common but even more importantly they had so many of the things that seem to strike a cord with me personally...
Honest, devoted, nerdy, board and video games, pet play, kinky as fuck, liberal, pro LGBT and specifically aware and sensitive towards trans and Intersex concerns, highly intelligent, "a computer programer" lol? Wait a second this in many ways sounds like my current girlfriend so do I need to keep going down the list? Shes awesome!
Of course this person was my "type" and I was extremely excited to meet them and then I said to them you should add me on FetLife I'd love to chat with you again and maybe kink with you sometime.
They then with a confusing look said to me dead faced um were already friends...!!!
I WAS SO EMBARRASSED 😳 FELT LIKE I WAS GONNA DIE THIS IS WHY THEY SEEMED SO FAMILIAR!
I had just not put two and two together because I had never met them in real life before and most of our interactions had been quite awhile ago.
So here it was the moment I knew for a fact this person independently caught my attention twice and I was interested in them as a kink partner and if it hadn't been for my girlfriend more for sure.
I couldn't stop thinking about them and how cool and interesting they are and finally said it hey would you like to meet up and kink sometime.
They were honest and said that even though they would be open to it they really would like to meet and know me better before taking that step since they want to know me better so we set up a date 🌹 yet at the moment we set it up two weeks ago it was a non romantic date just a meeting to discuss boundaries and consent.
However!
Opening that door caused both of us to try and get to know one another on an emotional social level and it just so happened that I started to find them attractive...
What once was a date where maybe would meet for tea and a brunch turned into them proposing if I can stay long enough we can cuddle on there roof looking at the stars.
This is like absolute crack talking to a demisexual!
One of the most romantic memories I ever had in my life was with Safi probably the person I was most attracted to in my life until my current girlfriend.
She is Jamaican and the daughter of a diplomatic advisor at the time. me coming from New York City is how we met. I missed her so much I saved up what little money I had as a 16-17 year old working at flea markets and doing odd jobs for people while clearly going to highschool and working on my musical talents at the time so it was a lot of effort.
But I flew to her to spend the summer! One night in the blue hills of Jamaica at her house she asked me if I trusted her and she wanted to surprise me I said sure.
And well she led me to crawl out her window onto the rooftop and we sat looking at the stars and Kingston down below and she pointed put some key points in the city the beauty of the island and then why she loves her home and it will always be in her heart even if she goes to America for education.
I then asked her for her attention as I showed her the sky astronomy used to be one of my strongest suits and as we cuddled close I was explaining the consolations as well as naming the key stars and planets we have discovered in them she nuzzled into me and asked something along the lines of is my head only in the stars?
I remember looking at her and said sadly yes but my heart beats for you.
And then we made out on her rooftop in any other time of my life I probably would of had sex with her but I was still a virgin at the time and just didn't feel it was appropriate for a multitude of reasons.
Back to today when this person suggested that to me it triggered a very important memory and helped me find them amazingly attractive even more than I had previously...
So now here was the rub 😭 I was ok with it being a fake date to just get to know eachother but now I wanted a real date because I found them attractive and felt like we could have a special bond that could make them more to me then just a kink playmate.
When I mentioned this to my partner I even mentioned that part of why I even let it get this far is I know she's been worried how turned off I have been towards poly but this time I am genuinely interested in someone and instead of shutting it down or avoiding it I am genuinely allowing it to proceed. That I see it as a win win win.
She gets to win because it's easier to see I am open to poly if I myself am poly, the girl in question gets to win because she seems to be receptive towards seeing if there is chemicals between us and I get to win because if I hadn't met my girlfriend I know for a fact Id probably try to date this woman and now I get to anyway.
So the situation is set why am i up at 4:30 in the morning having vomited from nerves and crying?
Because I was rasied Catholic I think is a huge part of it. I went to Catholic school and there's a huge emphasis on no sex before marriage and well although I blew by that long ago they did stress the union between two people being sacred and that it shouldn't be tainted.
This is an absolute first for me in my late 30's a time when I am about to go outside my relationship with someone else I am sexually interested in.
Logically I know humans weren't made to be monogamous and it's why it never bothered me that my partner is but this is where I might be starting down the road towards my non monogamous status.
I never before in my life even considered being unfaithful. So this is so intense I am literally shaking like a leaf in a cold sweat as I write this.
Whats even worse the girl I'm interested and my girlfriend are both polysexual. So neither of them are providing any conflict in my feelings they both think it's a healthy exploring of how I feel and its important for me to have that opportunity.
I feel like I'm about to faint.
The tremendous pressure of growing as a person to not just conceptually support polyamory but to consider engaging in it myself was beyond my comprehension not even 2 weeks ago.
Yet I feel this is important for me to accept both women I'm interested in one I'm with currently. How can I relate to my girlfriend without ever even considering the love of another person?
As far as the girl I'm into now if my girlfriend didn't take a slot in my life I'd probably have gone after it so why should I deprive myself if neither my girlfriend or this new person in my life find it a problem?
Catholic guilt seems to be the answer I have an instinct/ brainwashing that caused a predisposition towards monogamous relationships even if I was ok with others being polysexual.
I hope my expression of these confusing emotions helps.
Ps it's 5 am I am tired can't sleep feel sick from nerves I ain't editing this. You wanna do it go ahead send what you did might replace.