My adult life I have been akin to a freight train heading down a predetermined track.
Yet losing a good friend who was living with me caused me to be shaken in a way that has me trembling just thinking about it.
I was so unhappy I had to change things or else I was worried for my sanity.
The biggest change was violating my goal to not get into a serious relationship until after med school.
It had been 8 years since I had a sexual partner between college post grad taking time to help my grandma dying of cancer working as an EMT during the pandemic this has been perhaps the most crazy 8 years of my life.
Yet finding someone that I feel is a once in a lifetime event I had to accommodate them.
That permission to alter course set in motion a domino effect where I actually reevaluated everything in my life.
I have changed as a person more in the past year then the last 10 not even exaggerating.
I acknowledge I was depressed for those years but there was a certain safety in consistency of action and thought.
This is why for the first time in my life I am genuinely anxious.
I suffer from PTSD and its raging.
Loud noises, or people touching me without permission, or sneaking up on me, has me in literal pain and torment.
It wasn't that long that a co worker to get my attention grabbed me on the shoulder unexpectedly and I i hid under my desk trembling in fear crying.
The coworker then mocked me telling me to get up and stop making a scene.
I told them to just give me a second and they continued to badger me and my inability to handle typical behavior.
They said in jest "what do you want me to do wear bells?" In a condescending tone.
I have never been so vulnerable so open about my struggles I just want to make it through this stage in my life and hopefully come out stronger having gone through this metamorphosis.
