I wish I could call you this morning and tell you what a great night I had.
I know as I was taking care of you while the cancer grew worse, all you wanted was to make up for the struggles I went through and how you had hoped I could heal from the past.
I will never forget one of our last conversations was how you wish you had backed me sooner that I was the best the family ever produced but because of my messed up mother and dead beat criminal father you never expected much outta me just another future dead beat.
But you were wrong. The family was wrong, anyone who didn't get to know my character and heart was wrong.
It always embarrassed me how you kept telling the same story near the end of your life.
It didn't matter who or how yet you always worked this story in,
when I was 4 you were in the hospital and I snuck into the hospital' beds mechanics because they were trying to get me to leave when you were gravely ill. I said no I can't leave. That's my grandma she needs me and I have to protect her. You gotta take care of her and I'm not going anywhere until she's better.
They got special permission to let me stay and I spent that night with you cuddling in the hospital bed.
Well, grandma, tonight your wish has come true.
I have been broken emotionally for a long time, perhaps longer than I can recall. I was on autopilot trying to do as much good as possible as an EMT/ medical assistant while working on becoming a higher level provider and for all the good I did, people I saved, there was a massive whole in my heart.
No amount of good I did filled that void only emptiness. I just figured it was only a matter of time before the darkness consumed me and I might as well do as much good as possible before the story ends.
For the first time, perhaps ever, I feel hope. I can be more than what I have become. I have the potential to change course and do great things not just as a way to find purpose in a meaningless life that I have given up on, but as a reflection of the joy and gratitude for an opportunity to walk this earth.
Grandma I fell in love with someone and she's made me want to beat my illness. I know you wouldn't understand some of the ways we bonded.
I am writing to you on a blog where if you read some of the other posts you'd probably be concerned. But she's good for me and makes the void feel less overwhelming. In fact, I now feel empowered to do more about my condition and this has me feeling optimistic.
I know you'd ask to meet her and be thrilled for me. But sadly, it happened 3 years too late for you to sit across from her. I hope you wouldn't have given her too hard a time, but I will take her to your resting place soon just so you can know her, metaphysically, I want to introduce you formally to the person who changed my life.
So how is it where you are?
You still watching your CSI shows. You know I find them so repetitive. I mean how do you even keep them straight, csi, csi Miami, csi Vegas CSI New York do they really differ enough?
How do you feel about the switch to everything streaming streaming, you'd often need me to program your remotes and fix the network when it would go down. Would you be calling me every week to fix it, since if anything technology has only gotten more pervasive?
Or maybe I'd set up an Alexa and the fact you could talk to it would finally get you over the digital hump I wish we got to find out together.
I am probably going to the Barbie movie today would you like to come too. I think I could convince you to give it a try.
It's 5:55 I'm crying but, these are happy tears Grandma.
I will be sure to check in again sometime soon. I am sorry we didn't talk for awhile but life has been a lot lately I know you'd understand you always did when I didn't have time.
But I needed to talk to you tonight.
Love you ma
Till next time.
