I am sitting here as I am trying to get to sleep with objectives I want to achieve soon and yet I worry that I will fail. Later today I am visiting my girlfriend and I hope to cheer her up but often despite my best efforts I don't feel like my presence made any difference.
I have the only relative in my life who is still worth it and my best friend visiting from New York for xmas and I want them to have an amazing time.
I spent a lot of money on gifts, and food to prepare I know they would like.
Even today for my best friend he mentioned he was gonna bring instant coffee down and I was like oh thats not great what's your favorite coffee. And he mentioned Ethiopian Yirgacheffe so i had to solve the coffee problem and studied how to use a steam press process while practicing it and spending way to much money on coffee that will now serve no purpose until the next time he visits.
Just because the thought of making him happy means so much. What's money to me if I can make hin happy burn it all.
My aunt asked me if I wanted tickets to go to a football game to go with her and I was almost in tears because...
I don't want to go to a game I just am so happy to see her it's been almost 8 months and me and her have had some real tension this year because she's kinda an idiot at times. What comes to my mind is this line from one of my favorite songs.
Life is so unnerving For a servant who's not serving He's not whole without a soul to wait upon.
My girlfriend gets annoyed at me because she says I should have intrinsic value and not look for approval so much or want to please people as much as I do but it's a part of me.
I know this is a direct result of being an orphan I want so much to be loved. I would gladly suffer to make someone I remotely care about even a fraction happier.
When people don't give me tasks to do or to be useful some way I kinda don't trust it. Like what do you want me to do just hang out with you not cook clean entertain or do your work or tutor you. How can I be of service?
I will never forget not that long ago one of my so called good friends at school together with me for like 8 months in a program together I tutored them, did all there homework but made sure to go over it with them so they could be ready for tests.
Often brought food and snacks to study secessions to keep them engaged, and of course was unbelievable kind to there family even helping there father with some tasks around the house.
Yet when they got the qualification they just dropped me like they never even cared. My girlfriend said that sorta behavior is because of the fact users look for gullible people like me to exploit and that is why she worries so much because I can get easily taken for a ride.
Yet my view has always been if someone hurts me or takes advantage of me whats the point in being mean back they probably were just that desperate or had their backs against the wall.
If someone took advantage of me I like to think I at least helped make there life better and ultimately that is my purpose.
I try to be a tad better about now so as not to keep upsetting people who care about me or make them worried.
My default view is I am the type of person I wish the world had more of.
The fact people hurt me or take advantage of me in some way thats a them problem.
Don't we want a world with more people who assume the good in people put others first try their hardest to be in service to others and make them happy healthier.
