This shit show of a year has taught me so much, brought so much pain and sorrow, and given me a few fleeting moments of happiness
People are cowards and hypocrites, including myself
This was a hard pill to swallow and many tears were shed, but it is my truth
After more than a decade with a narcissist, things become terribly skewed, who you once were is nothing more than a faint memory, there is no one fighting for you and you would rather hide than face the dark truth
People are selfish and short sighted
Wanting instant gratification without thought of recourse
Not caring how their words and actions may deeply impact another
This was another painful realization, becoming an act of self preservation
Taking me further away from my true self
Honesty is rare
We hide our intentions in smooth words and half truths
It's somehow become taboo to say we want nothing more than a good fuck from time to time
There are always those fucking words that give hope
And once the dick has gotten wet, the cunt sorely stretched
People walk away because there is no way to maintain the illusion, words can only be smooth for so long
True happiness is even more rare
Afraid to let our guard down
Playing the game of being what is wanted for fear of rejection
Rejection because we've grown accustomed to discarding things as trash when they aren't perfect
So we suffocate our wonderfully beautiful selves to make someone else happy
Tomorrow isn't promised, hell the next hour isn't even a guarantee
But we continue to live as though there will be one more day
One more day to say and do the things we need to
The reality is that there isn't
Death may come, they may get tired of the bullshit and walk away, tired of constantly seeking approval, validation that they are worthy, wondering what they did wrong and finally choose to love themselves more
Perfect doesn't exist, there is no grand masterpiece of everything we've ever dreamed of wanting waiting for us
There is only potential
The potential of what truly could be if all involved really want it, but it takes work
And so few are willing to work that hard
Change is scary as fuck, but it is so necessary
Even if it means diving straight in only to be greeted with pain and sorrow
Change shows us what we can truly handle, what we are really made of, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel if we look hard enough
These moments of change bring us the real truth of what our lives are to be if we could only get past the fantasy of what we thought our lives would be
Fairytales don't exist
There is no knight in shining armor to save the day
There is no perfect house with a white picket fence
There is no prince charming wooing the unsuspecting maiden
Life is messy, it's ugly, it's cold and lonely, it's nights spent crying into a pillow, days spent walking as a ghost of what once was
Life is also beautiful, warm and full of love and happiness
In those small moments when the chaos quiets and the mind becomes still
Letting us just be, in the present, taking victory in that small sliver of time
I will continue to falter and fall as I make my way back to my true self
Shedding all cowardice, hypocrisy, and selfishness
Learning to be honest and clear with my intentions
Seeking happiness by my own hands instead of at the hands of others
Living in the present, finding joy in the connections made with others despite how short lived they may be
I will continue to love deeply and freely even if it's not returned
I will love to heal the darkest wounds of my past and continue to have hope, to see the potential that people hold
Learning to be patient, letting go of expectations, savoring that moment as that is all that is promised
Stopping the unrealistic fantasy and having faith that love will find a way when it's meant to be
For many this is a year that we'd just as soon as forget, I definitely have my moments where I wished things had gone differently, but I wouldn't change how this year has progressed
I've gotten to see the glimmer of the woman hiding deep within, a woman who is worth letting out
As the new year begins, I will continue to fight for her because I am the only one who can
I am thankful for the paths of those I crossed that have been a blessing and continued to grow despite me being a continuous hot mess and taking more than I give
Know that I truly and deeply appreciate you
I am thankful for the paths of those I have crossed that have been a lesson and maybe one of these I won't have to keep learning the lesson
But until then, I'll continue to work on being my true self