The Voices in My Head

Oops 😏

(sorry, not sorry...)

Rolling over I look at the clock and I can feel the familiar but steady frustration sink in. Each beat of my heart tightens this invisible twine through my body and I steadily exhale as I feel like I’m about to snap.  3 days. 3 amazing days is what we have been given and now it’s time to go home.

Slipping out of bed I look back at you and let the anger fester for awhile.  Fuck. I am not this person, this is not my go to emotion. It’s not your fault,  or is it?  Is it mine?  It’s no ones really, right?  I don’t know.  Everything is muddied.  Suddenly I can’t seem to catch my breath. I don’t even need to weigh my options.  I’m out.

Stepping out the door the cold shocks my face as I lace my shoes. My breath visible in front of my lips, I realize just how cold it is.  Heading down your driveway I have two choices. One way that will keep me on the safely lit streets and a second that will wind me through dark trails.  Trying to steady the anger building at the choice I know I should make, I suck in a huge breath of freezing air hoping to cool the fire burning inside.  It’s just not working.  Setting my course, I put in my earbuds and let my feet pave the way through the trails I have yet to explore.

Sinking into a steady rhythm, I lose myself to the music.  I don’t know how much time has passed but I know I’m far out, I turn to make my way back just as snowflakes start to fall in front of me.  Looking around, I can’t see past the first set of trees. Maybe this wasn’t a great idea.  I watch my footing as I commit to each step, the darkness chasing me pushes my pace.  My lungs are burning when I hear the first ding.  I dig my feet in a little deeper, my calves aching.  I’m pushing too hard, my legs are already shaking. The second and third ding find me annoyed and sad all at the same time.  I can’t concentrate now, my breath is all over the place. Stopping, I pull out my phone and see your last message. “Home. Now.”

Fuck. Maybe I should walk back. Looking at my phone it teases me with the wee hours of the morning. 4:17AM.   Making my way to the end of the trail I see your familiar driveway ahead.  I’m lost in my own thoughts. I’m angry and sad and tired and confused.   I’m trying to find my words to explain. I listen as I watch my shoes crunch on the falling snow and  literally run into your solid body.  Screaming at the shock I fall back landing on my ass staring up at you in shock. You are standing there in jeans and a tshirt. It’s fucking freezing out here....  wait, what?!  What are you doing out here?  I am trying to process what exactly is happening when my eyes fall on your face. My stomach flips.  Shit.  You are mad. Really mad. I open my mouth and watch you shake your head no....  thinking twice ...  I close it without a sound.

“What in the fuck do you think you are doing?” Seems to echo through the night’s silence.   No Kitten, no baby... you used my name, my stomach sinking.

Lowering my eyes, nothing I wanted to say seems appropriate. I don’t know how to explain to you what I feel. I want to hate myself for feeling what I do. I huff into the silence.

“When I ask you a question, you will answer it. Strip. Now” you command as my body shudders under the weight of your words.

Opening my mouth again, I pause. You can’t be serious.  In the front yard?  Searching your face for a second too long my body is lifted out of the snow and my shaking legs are running to keep up as your grip on my wrist leads me to the backyard.  “Wait...” I cry out as you place my hands on the corner pillar of the deck.   I am drawn to the rough splinters feeling them between my fingers.  I suck in the night air as the cold slaps my sweaty skin... my pants swiftly around my knees.   Trying not to panic, I try to brace myself on the post.

“When I ask you to do something, you do it. Immediately. Are we clear?”  You ask as your hand peppers my ass with hard intentional hits.  There is no warm up, no nice caress.  You are hitting the same place over and over pressing your point.

“Yes, Sir” finds its way out of my mouth as a storm of emotions threatening to erupt. But there is no second between slaps and I am starting shift away from you on the post. I can taste a metallic flavor in my mouth and I know I have bit my lip too hard to keep from crying out. Fisting my hair to keep me in place, over and over your hand finds my ass and I can feel the  anger behind it. “Yes, Sir!  Please!  Ow!  I understand!”  Comes rapid firing out to meet the pace of your smacks. Suddenly there is a pause and I find my breath.

Hearing your belt I let your words sink in. “Strip. Now.”

Stepping out of my shoes I quickly pull off my pants and sweatshirt, leaving my bra and panties. I reach around back to unclasp my bra, already chattering in the cold when I hear, “That’s enough. Place your hands where I put them.  You were reckless and thoughtless.  On top of that you chose to ignore my texts.  That will not happen again.”

Finding my center I straighten myself. “I understand, Sir.  I won’t do it again.”

“No. You won’t. You are going to count to ten. Now. ” leaves your mouth and your belt strikes.  Hard.

Fuck fuck fuck. My ass hurts so bad already. I cry out raising to my toes. “One”

The second strike lands on the other side matching the intensity and I still cannot suppress a muffled cry.  “Two”

I haven’t made you angry before.  I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Even in your anger you are controlled and intentional.  How do you do that?  Right in the middle of my assessment, the next blow lands straight across both cheeks and I am desperately trying to find my center. “Three” I say hissing.

The next strap is no easier followed immediately by an upswing catching me right on my sit spot. Shifting on my feet I am sucking in air as I force out “four and five.”

I hear you give a grunt as the next two land mirroring the last. My feet dancing, I cannot recover. These are not strikes like I’m used to. This is meant to prove a point and I let out a sob that once unleashed doesn’t stop.  “Six and seven.”

Coming back for a moment, I hear your belt drop and you move away. From under my arm I watch you walk over to the table and grab something from the table.  Even over my sobs I can hear it whoosh as it slices through the air.  My breath has thawed a circle around the post I am clinging to and I close my eyes, a fresh set of tears falling as I hear the whooshing sound again but it doesn’t touch me. It makes me flinch the third time it echos to my ears.

Your steady voice finds me. “This, is a switch.  There will be three more and they are not going to feel nice. I want you to think about each text I sent that went unanswered and how that might make me feel....”

Your words settle on my heart. I wait for it but it hasn’t come. Maybe you are waiting for me.... “Yes....  “  Before I can finish the sound of the strike echos as it comes across the center of both cheeks laying a fire like I have never felt and even though I haven’t paused a second another one comes back following the same line from the other side.

Crying out into the night I am completely overwhelmed by the burn that follows. I am stomping into the ground around the pole trying anything to ease it. Sobs wracking my body I breath out “eight and nine.”

You place a hand on the small of my back. “One more...”

The branch lays right under both cheeks, the strength behind it reminding me of the strikes before it as it ripples my skin.  Screaming at impact, I finally know it’s over.  My head dropping, between the tears I say “ten.”

Then there is pause.  I hear you breath out your frustration and it’s my undoing.  The smell of pine and musty dirt brings me back as I lower my head into the post shivering between the cold outside and the fire on my skin.  I watch my tears fall in slow motion to the ground slowly turning from a blur into focus.  I can’t think.  I’m so confused.  You hate punishments.  You always told me you didn’t do physical punishments. I don’t understand.  A horrible guilt settles in at where I brought you.

Feeling your breath on my ear, your body moves in back of me. “What were you doing?  I was worried. You don’t know the area or what is safe around here. You can’t just take off like that. I don’t understand what the hell you were thinking.”

I want to just lean into you. I want to turn around and burry myself in your body. I want you to hold me and tell me I’m yours.  There are so many things I want but I’m just too damn stubborn.  Tears pouring down my face I dig my fingernails into the post. “I’m so sorry... I know. I just was suffocating. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“You know this isn’t over right?” You say sighing as your hands trace over the bruises already raised on my body. I know they are bad, it hurts just to shift my feet.  Before I can answer you say, “Go upstairs and stand in the corner of my room. I want to see your legs apart and ass out when I get up there you can expect to be plugged. Think hard about exactly what you want to say to me.”

What comes next is what I was trying to find and I just didn’t know it. When the punishment shifts.  With each second I bury my head into this damn corner my ass sore and plugged my heart beats steady and a hush falls over the room.  It’s a palpable shift, like I’m walking out of a fog.  My feelings released and fears steadied.

I haven’t moved, but you know. You always know.  Then I understand. That’s why you gave me the strap, that wasn’t the punishment, it was to bring me here. You knew what I needed and the only way I could get here. Coming behind me you let your body cover me. Your hands travel up my sides and lower my arms clasped behind my neck.  Holding me in place, my body tucked into you, you speak. “Talk to me, Kitten.”

I would rather you yell... your kindness is always my undoing.

“I don’t know how to leave.... “

I hear myself release the breath I didn’t know I was holding when I hear you speak.  “Then don’t.”

*revised* 

I’m not a poet, it just took a life of its own. 😜

“Be afraid of the monsters under your bed,” they said.   A running leap lands me safely on the sheets.  Sink under the covers, heart in my throat. Squeeze my eyes, close them tight.  Don’t shed a tear, don’t make a sound.  Don’t worry, love, it will pass with the night.

But now they come.... by night and by day. No hiding can stop them, they are here to stay. These are monsters I should have been told.  The ones I carry, whose lies I hold.

The monsters of my head, stalking my moves. Doubting my thoughts, I am nothing to prove.  Voicing insecurities, flashing my fears.  Taking comfort, swallowing tears.

They are never far away.

Never sleep.

Never quiet.

Their grip tight around my neck

Unworthy, unloved, unwanted, unkept

I claw, I scream - a silence no one can hear, then one breaks through and challenges my stare.  But prove he is worthy, that he can be trusted.  I dare him to satisfy the darkness I have lusted.

And then he commands, with confidence so grand.  The tamer of my monsters with the flick of his hand.  With the shush of his voice they scatter and flee.  The voices of chaos silenced in me.  The slaying of hatred, of worry and doubt.  He destroys them all, my fears wiped out.  Staring with wonder at the power he holds, pausing to watch as the layers unfold.  I find myself bending to the dark of his eyes, touching places unseen I can no longer disguise.

Their fingerprint marks erased by his own. The tapes replayed and filled with a moan. Giving me comfort through a sea of tears, his hands light my body, like he’s known it for years.  A pain released instead of trapped inside.  He gives no excuses, no compromise, no place to flee or hide. He settles his self inside my walls, watching, waiting to catch my fall.  And under him I see myself true, unbound by the monsters I’m awakened anew.

And so I come to him now, my slayer of monsters...

I cum with him now, surrendering all

Here I am,

I am yours,

I’m ready to fall

I feel all of this tonight...  feeling those familiar butterflies  

For weeks you prepared me. Grooming my mind. Prepping me for this moment. Staying your hand, invisibly binding mine from helping myself find release. Consuming my thoughts. Drenching my days while you sat poised and ready. All for this moment.

A fire is flowing through my body. The sweat dripping off of me feels like blood seeping through my pores. Beautiful marks cover my canvas with carefully laid strokes that I can only hear before they strike. Every one of them releasing a moan so deep from inside me I didn’t know it existed. You have hunted my release for weeks, stalking, toying... all that I am at this moment is because of you.

The throbbing ache of my pussy is replaced by a painful tension. Once again, your breath finds the folds of my lips and I am thrashing below your hold. I have never known a need so frantic. My walls grab your fingers as they slip inside with a strangling desperation and I feel your tongue lightly circle my clit. Fuuuck yessssss..... I’m going to....

“No.....” you say immediately slapping my cunt. Hard. “Not yet.”

oh god...  my body is trembling as every muscle tightens in response, begging for release.  Then, just when I have succeeded in pulling myself back from a crashing release, you start again....

All rational thought has left my being. The black that covers my eyes drives the sounds of our bodies through my ears.  Tormenting me with a touch I can’t see coming, my body exists purely for your pleasure. I am hovering over the edge of this magnificent cliff over and over until a sob breaks free. Your hands grab my sore ass and lift it off the bed, burying your face even further into my heat as you release a growl.   Arching into you, burning to the touch, the pain and pleasure are too much... I’m going to fall...

Instantly I feel an absence of your body and I take in a sharp breath. My brow creases just as my body is flipped. Gasping, my scream fills my ears as you burry your cock deep within my walls without warning. My head thrashing, I fist the binds that hold me in place trying to ground myself until you give me the permission I crave.   The primal sounds echoing the room as you fuck me without reason threaten to shatter me.  It’s just all too much....  I can’t stop it.  My blindfold ripped from my eyes, as I frantically search your face behind me. Your hand finds my hair and you hold tight with the control you have lost.  Your eyes meet mine and I know I am lost to you. I am yours... 

“Now!” You shout as your other hand lands soundly on my ass.  My pussy immediately submits to your command. Painful at first the waves come crashing as I hear you roar your release into the room. I am falling, gasping, clawing as wave after wave explode from the depth of my heat. As soon as one stops another one begins as your hand wraps around and bares down hard on my clit.  I cannot breathe. My blindfold is gone, but I see nothing.  The noise drowned by the humming in my ears.  All I can do is shatter under you....

Slowly, reality starts to settle back in and I realize you are caressing the curves of my back.  Your kisses feather the marks you have left.  

With a trembling sigh, I sink into the bed as I hear “Good girl... I’m so proud of you.”

I’m just going to leave this one right here ....

I have finally perfected the “send me nudes” request. 

You are welcome. 😘

I wonder sometimes if I’m the only one who sits here in this strange in between: loving who I am but missing a piece.

Yesterday I was in a funk. I missed my run that morning and I played the rest of day feeling like I was an hour behind 😉.  Finally, I settled the kids in with dinner and decided I was going to squeeze in my run. I decided on a new trail and knew (or thought) I had just enough time to make it back to my car before sunset.

Long story short, I ended my last mile in pitch black!  😳  Instead of reaching my car with that shaky release I crave, I was overcome with sadness. I had made a stupid mistake... it wasn’t intentional, but a mistake all the same. I wasn’t on familiar ground, there wasn’t anyone around for miles and it was dark.....

The difference tonight was that there was no one home to set me right, to remind me that I had been stupid, to even care that I had.  I miss that.

I understand seasons. I love them. All of them. Please don’t ask me to choose. I love that they all are interdependent. I love how in their strength, each season eventually submits to the next.  An ebb and flow of death and life.  I know there are times where nature lies in wait and other times it grows unleashed.

For now... I will lie in wait....

And because the night brings me home....  I found myself submerged in the freezing water around midnight appreciating the silence and seductive call of the moon...  

Costume challenge....  

I can never pick just one....  😏 

I like to keep ‘em on their toes...  😂 

When you are making mummy dogs for your kid’s lunch and you find yourself laughing....  

Yes, yes I did bind the wiener...  not sorry at all.  😜

Every day... all day long...  I have the brain of a 12 year old boy.  It’s an entertaining place to sit  😂😂

It’s no secret if you have read any of my blogs that I feel deeply. I have seen so many suffering people on here lately that my heart just hurts. This was a good reminder this morning. 💕  

.... and because sometimes...

you just need a hug  

yes, please.... 😏