The Voices in My Head

All the feels this Wednesday....  

yes please..... 😏

This was fun last night so I thought I would keep it going on a boring Monday morning!  😘

Credit given to Alpha Wolfe!  😏

“So, I've been trying to think of ways to engage the cage a bit more. Chat to more people and such. 

I was reminded today of an old thing people used to do, or maybe they still do, called AMA (Ask me anything). 

So here's my idea. You (whoever you are) can ask me three questions. As general or as specific as you want. I'll do my best to answer all, but if it's something I reaaaallllyyyy don't wanna answer, I hope you'll understand. Open to comments or messages.

Maybe even keep this idea going and do your own AMA.”

❤️ Someone sent me this in response to my earlier blog and it was so beautiful I had to share. ❤️

I love it when you let me watch.  The room feels alive with anticipation. My shaky breath fills the silence of the room. My eyes, bright and dilated at the thought of what is coming, watch you walk across the room and drink in your body.  My tongue finds my lips and I draw in the corner and bite, reminding myself what is coming.

“Ready?” reaches my ears as your hands run down my spine, the goosebumps erupting remind my skin it’s alive.

“Yes, Sir.” I say, knowing now I am bound to this scene unless I speak one little word that will end it and bring me to your arms.  I know there will be no other words spoken unless you initiate them.   One more shuddered sigh and I am beyond ready.

You are never so masculine to me than in these moments. The shadows of your strength highlight the cuts and valleys of your skin and reach down to your jeans. Your hands, so commanding, weave and knit with a fluidity that’s hypnotizes me. It beautifully binds my mind.

I see the rope, I understand it.  Alone, it is weak, it cannot do it’s job. But layer upon layer woven together brings its strength.  As the rope binds my body, it binds my demons, my insecurities. I watch as it weaves its way through my hurt, my pain that brought me to me knees.  An internal pain brought to surface by the strength the rope brings. The way it cuts into my skin. The fine balance to allow breath but bind the panic.  The years of betrayal that built my walls so high are crushed into pebbles by the strength of these woven threads. As the last knot dances over my body what passes through the gaps is a torrent of wet covering my cheeks before I realize the sob that breaks the silence is coming from the depths of my soul. Like arms that cover me close, they hold me in the moment with only you.

I barely register the first strike of the flogger over my erect nipples.  Gasping, they harden even more reaching for release. Again and again the straps find exactly where you want them to fall on my body.  Soon I am trembling from need or pain, I’m not sure which is more. My back longing to fall into an arch, my lips swollen from biting and sucking them through your assault, my exposed pussy dripping with a craving only you can fill. Here in this immobile moment, I am free to fly. My head falls back and my eyes close having taken in the beauty of my body in this moment.

“Kitten?” you whisper, grabbing my hair while bringing my head up to meet your piercing eyes. I’m overwhelmed all over again by what meets me.  Concern, desire, concentration, pure unadulterated lust meet me and my flooded eyes threatening to spill all over again.  Sweat is covering your body as you struggle to remain in control....  this is me. I did this to you. I brought you here. I am safe, I am loved, I am yours....

“Green, Sir.”

Slowly, sensually you release my body one bind at a time and I feel the pain wash away as the rope slips.  Just like my heart through the years, there are marks left behind. And just like the rope, they will eventually fade under your care.  Delivering me from my binds, your fingers gently caress my body burning me from the inside out.  Every part of my body is throbbing.  You admire the marks you left, looking at me through hooded eyes like I am the most beautiful canvas you have ever seen.

As soon as the last knot is released, the overwhelming break in passion is untamed.  With my body easily lifted, my shaking legs find their way around you hips shamelessly grinding as you carry me to bed.  My mouth find yours hungrily drawing your lips between my teeth until I hear you hiss and I taste that familiar metal flavor. Love will come later, right now as I’m dropped on the bed.... all I feel is summed up in the words coming from your mouth and you sink yourself deep inside my heat....

“Fuck yes, kitten.....”

Saw this today:

When you’ve had a seriously intense and nasty scene.....and you finally regain your composure....

I love teaching. I love being a teacher. I have taught many grades over the years, but I found my niche when 5th grade found me. I don’t need to worry about someone not making it to the bathroom in time, the whining phase is gone, and they still think I know things. What I love about teaching 5th grade is they are coming into themselves. They are learning to stand where they believe their truth lies and form their own opinions. They are learning where they fit, where they don’t. They are learning if they want to bend who they were last year to fit where they want to be this year. It’s a true year of metamorphosis.

95% of arguments that make it to my desk deal with a choice of words. Let me explain:

Luke - Tommy said he would hang with me at lunch and he lied. He never hangs with us anymore.

Tommy - That isn’t true, I got stopped by Mrs. Kinder Teacher and had to help move the paint tables!

They both stand right in their perspective. Luke believes Tommy lied because he didn’t show up. Tommy knew he wanted to show up but didn’t want to be disrespectful to the teacher.

In my classroom, when we argue, I never let them make absolute statements. We do not say never or always. They are an instant trigger. After the basics of the situation are explained I make the kids start with one simple sentence....

“When you did __________, I felt __________.”

This is where the magic happens. It breaks down the tough wanna be 5th-grade man-child and you see glimpses of that vulnerable little boy. SO many true venom spitting arguments have been worked out by admitting the hurt or anger behind what was happening. Once that feeling is identified, it’s much easier to know what tools to use to diffuse it.  Does it always change their mind on the right or wrong of the situation?  NO!  What it does is give validity to everyone’s voice. Mutual respect. An imaginary hug (sometimes I ask them if they want to hug it out).

If at the end of the day, if nothing nice can pass their lips and they refuse to budge, they learn quickly that they will not speak before they say hurtful things. Period.  At least when they are in front of me, they will learn to think, process what they want to say, and then speak ONLY if it resolves the problem or doesn’t further hurt the other person. If not, they can choose to agree to disagree and it’s dropped and left at my desk.

Yesterday I accomplished a major milestone in my life.  I bought an acre of land almost two years ago and designed a house for my 3 boys and me. In January, we finalized those plans and we moved into 300 square feet for what was supposed to be an 8-month build.... Covid-19 has other plans. Permits were paused, no one was working, and we stalled.

Last week I walked into the county office and walked out with permits in hand!!  This last week I have met with my developer, contractors, made calls for footings, foundation, and trusses. We have 6 months to build this dream.

I’m so proud of this house. I’m proud that I did it. I am proud that I’m managing it.

Then it happened.  A man essentially said to me I wasn’t a submissive. This is a quote from the said person. This was literally in response to the fact that I am having my own house built. No other previous conversation.... I had had two previous very short, “Hi, how has your day been” conversations....

“.... ok, but you realize there is no way you are a submissive, right?  I don’t mean to be hurtful.  It doesn’t mean you don’t have a kink, but I’m not seeing a sub. The truth is you don’t need a man. You leave no room for someone to come into your life because you show a front that you are capable of handling everything yourself. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way. I just want to tell you what you put off.”

Sigh.... what I hear you saying is that I intimidate you. What I hear you saying is that you are good for someone, but not (strong enough 😏) good for me.  What I hear is that you think my strength would make you weak, instead of being an asset that you could be proud of.  What I hear is you think needing a man and choosing/wanting a man are the same thing.  What I know is my independence makes my submission so powerful.  I know from where you stand, where many people in this world where there should be no boxes, you believe you are right.

I will never apologize for taking care of my own. I will never apologize for having my dreams and seeing those to reality. I’ve worked damn hard to get here. This has been years and years of sacrifice.  I am teaching my boys about hard work, tenacity, and thriving. This has not been an easy road for us. This is not the life I would have chosen for myself or them, but I am stronger for walking through the shit.

So why do his words hurt so much?  Why does it make me doubt who I know I am?!  Argh!  I hate that I let myself go there, even for a minute!  I love who I have become. I love that being a sub is such a huge part of who I am. 

Some people need to go back to 5th grade....

Here is a picture of my forms being dug!!!  So stinking excited!

Choices, choices.....  

It’s opening my door to see you have driven 8 hours straight just to hold me. 20 years later you are still my person...  you see all of me.  I know I am your person too and that brings such pride. A comfortable silence within the chaos of the kids and busy weekend around.  We settle in like we were never apart. Even though you once were mine, this is better, where we are now. This is always what we should be.   Laughter reaching my soul reminding me of who I am.  For the next 24 hours, we can just be....  you and me.  

Puts a whole new meaning to the NO SPILLING rule!!!  

I found myself on a much needed adventure yesterday.  A small hike that ended up taking me hours into the forest.  It soothes me. 

Drawn to the water I watched how it carved it’s way through the land as if it owned her.  It’s hard not to draw comparisons.  Both the land and water have strength beyond measure, yet eventually the land submits and the water carves it’s way through her being.  He smooths her edges, finding comfort in the pools of her curves.  He brings life with the balance it brings her.  He can come in raging rapids, or (like in this picture) a subtle steady stream that reminds her that he is still present.   Once carved, she offers him a safe place to be, where his efforts aren’t wasted to dry up on the flat surrounding land.  The challenge of power unyielding between them, never ending.  Even in the harshest of seasons, his marks are left behind.  It’s a beautiful and powerful thing to witness, her submission.