I have no principle, no self-discipline.
I've yet to try Adderall, so my main weakness so far, my nemesis, is too many choices. Too many choices overwhelm me quite easily. I can have the option of choosing—doing— absolutely anything and everything... yet I'll simply not choose.
I can't. It's the same mental paralysis that's screwed me over so many times.
The best outcome I can see? For me? I need someone who can take away my choices to a degree that's comfortable for us both.
They'll have a scene, just for me. They would have two, maybe three things they want to do to me, want to use on me. I mentally catastrophize often, but they'll know to give me the simple questions.
"Do you want this?" Yes or no?
"What are you okay with me using right now?" One or two?
Maybe it's best to gag me in some way—catastrophic choice paralysis, remember— so I don't back out when I don't mean to, and I never mean to (it's anxiety panic, okay??), because then I'm left so unsatisfied.
I'll have a visual safeword, a physical signal. Something to hold. Holding on tight? Keep going, please. Let go? Full stop. We'll work out a third signal for "still good, but slow down" based on the item, maybe...
And afterwards they'll tell me that they knew I could do it, whatever it was, despite what my brain and embarrassment tells me. If I pleased them or not— and by the stars I hope I did.
~Blaise 🖤
