Curiously exploring

What is your favorite thing about yourself?

Some of these questions really make you look within yourself and ask yourself what these answers really are. Physically I would say it’s between my eyes and my tits..... my eyes shift with my mood. They used to be in this constant state of this grey color, so much so it’s what’s listed on my drivers license. Here lately they have stayed at this weird mix of green, grey and blue. I wonder if there’s a war within me I’m not consciously aware of, except for this minor realization now. I’m pretty happy with my tits too I’ve never thought hey these should be bigger or smaller. I’ve thought about getting my nipples pierced but I’m still on the fence. If we aren’t talking physically then I would have to say my ability to try my damndest to overcome fear. Whether it’s a fear of heights or my nervousness and fear of the unknown. One shouldn’t be fearful of the unknown, embrace it with open arms because you never know what will actually happen. 

What is your prominent personality trait?

According to the online test I took that would be my openness. I scored above average but close enough to average that I’m a practical thinker and am open to new ideas. This definitely jives with my out look of my place within this lifestyle. As I continue to explore myself and where my limits are, some limits tend to fluctuate from hard to soft while others have stayed right where I needed them to in the hard limit category. Testing the boundaries of my limits and where the weaknesses are, deciding between building that wall back up and letting it down to be open to new experiences. 

There are so many different personalities within this lifestyle alone it’s so hard to keep up. No two submissive are alike, no two switches are alike and no two Doms are alike. They can all have the same prominent personality trait but overall it’s the way it manifests itself within that individual and how they let it out that really puts them in a whole new category. 

30. When do you feel the most submissive?

i ask myself this question a lot, more so the why I feel submissive. I realized after a conversation with a Dom here that because of the control I have in the rest of my life being a mother and wife that the only time I feel free to not dominate is when it comes to my sexuality. I want to give up the careful control I’ve cultivated through the routine of my daily life. My husband has no interest in exploring a lifestyle that is out of the norm, I have wondered if I’m more of a switch then a submissive for the mere fact that I feel like when he doesn’t give me what I need I tend to take over control and dominate in that moment. I egg him on to get what I want, the more research I have been doing into this lifestyle and the dynamics I have come to realize that this isn’t a safe practice for me to instigate in my marriage because in the areas that I feel my need fulfilled if not done correctly it could be dangerous. Mentally and emotionally dangerous if not done with the upmost care and understanding. 

I feel the most submissive when I allow my control to slip and let my vulnerability out. But parts of me war against the submission, l want to cop an attitude, I want to say no to get a rise, I want to say make me because the flare of recognition that I am telling you what I need in those two words will get me what I want. If I’ve researched this correctly at all..... it’s called being a brat submissive I believe. 

Exploring my sexuality, different lifestyles and various kinks has definitely been enlightening.

One of the first questions I get asked is what brought you to this lifestyle? Are you sure your submissive? 
There really is a longer explanation, the sexual deviances I have and feel have been bottled up inside for far too long. 

As a young girl I fell for the ever juvenile if you show me yours I’ll show you mine. I didn’t even know what it was just that it was like an outie belly button while I had an innie. (Remember very juvenile age here).  My high school experience I was the virgin that was only the bar girl underneath. The bad girl when no one was looking. Logging on to the family computer, waiting for that dial up to connect, then “innocently” going into all the aol chats. Surprisingly for me at the time, once my real age was given, not many ran. I had progressed from showing my pussy to learning how to play with it. Being young you could really only take it so far I thought. Rubbing against all sorts of things. This new online approach had me learning what felt even better. Then came the first boyfriend who taught me that it felt really good when someone else was playing with you. Sadly for him, I chose to remain a virgin. ( I know now I was just a cock tease).  

There were always these thoughts in my head about what I was feeling, if what I was doing was right or wrong, why did I feel that need to be bad but not let anyone know. What I was being taught outside my mind was that anything not the norm was wrong. I let that follow me through my first marriage.  More in love with the idea of love then the man. Tried to save my marriage by letting out a few of my fantasies and desires.  I bought my first vibrator, hello orgasm, I bought pretty outfits, I even offered a threesome. I realized quickly it wasn’t me, it was him. In the bedroom I was the one dominating and he was submitting except when it went from vanilla to experimental. He made me feel like I was unconventional in what I was wanting and while the word was the right choice the feeling was not. He was my first, the one that popped the literal cherry but he was not the one I needed. He was just the catalyst to making me realize what I needed and wanted was far bigger and better then ever.