It feels impossible to be important to someone who is in love with several others. I crave his attention but know I need to step back. I’m new to his life and therefore last. They come first. I only get him when he has time. I’m in an open group with a polyamorous man and I’m still the side chick. I’m the one the others worry about, the one they are afraid will take his time away from them, when in reality he would drop me in an instant if they needed him.
I am also new to this lifestyle. I have never been a sub nor been with anyone who was this open. He says he wants to train me and be gentle with me but he never does. He has stopped talking to me to do a training session with one of his other subs. I do not degrade them for this; I don’t want to take his time away from them, I want them to feel his love and be happy. I just wish I was worth the same; that I deserved the same attention and time and effort.
I say I’m okay with waiting to talk and that he doesn’t have to respond right away and I am. I’m not okay with being told that he’s mine today and not hearing back for hours; with only talking to him when he needs to. I want them; to be with them, play with them, love them but I don’t know if I deserve them. I don’t know if I ever will or if I will be worth it to them, worth joining their lovely, erotic, heartwarming group. A part of me knows I won’t be, which is why I felt the need to block my heart tonight; another part cried with knowledge of what I did, knowing how much it will hurt him but I can’t be pushed to the back. I can’t give my heart if it’ll just be tossed in the trash. I need it to be protected and cherished and until I feel otherwise I need to take it back; to lock it up safe behind closed doors where only one person has a key and who is too far away to use it. Where I know no other can touch it unless I hand it over. Where no one can rip it out for their pleasure.
