Trauma and how it shapes us

During times of my life, I have an aversion to touch, to the point of panic. My Sir has only two choices to help me get over it.

A. Put me on the cross and give me enough pain to do what he likes to call a "reset"

Or

B. Pure orgasm overload which he calls my "factory reset"

I still fight it and it is a forced response. Like I can't get my brain and body to agree.

It is difficult to want touch and to also be touched and try to run from it in panic.

Over the years, he has helped me retain some of my sanity and lessen the shame I feel for not being able to be sexual at times in my life.

So many throw around "asexuality" like it is cool, but this is what life is like on a daily level. The constant fight with yourself and the wish for normal. To want love, sex, and affection, yet run and cry and deal with the shame when you "just can't "

If you live with this and need an understanding ear, my inbox is open. 

Just know that you are not alone.

For the longest time the only way I could get off was with extreme pain. I was brought up in a family that had a monster. This man took any innocence I had and turned it against me.. At 4 years old he started his training And until I was 17, I was unable to get out. The sad thing is is up until my 6th grade year when I 1st went to sex ed class I had no idea that families weren't just like us. After that fateful day and I came home I confronted him about what I learned and from then on it turned from "loving" into The worst possible outcome a person could have towards a child. This man sold my body , let people beat me, rape me. I reached out for protection and absolutely got none. People who were authority figures in my Hometown and my home county participated and brought their teenage boys in to enjoy the festivities.. These were boys these who were also my age that I would see at school and watch them snicker and laugh knowing that I was nothing more than a damn plaything for this entire county. There was a judge who was also involved. He had what he like to call "the farm". At the farm people would pay to hurt me.. I would be tied up and I got electrocuted, beat, And made to endure things that no child should ever have to endure. I ended up pregnant twice from from the abuse and both times the child was lost due to beatings I received. The doctors that would treat me after said beatings knew it was going on and did nothing to help, nothing to help. I'm coming up on one of my children's birthdays in a few days and she would have been 19 this year. Every year It gets harder and harder to understand why people do people do what they do. Every year, I have a harder and harder time even wanting to live. Now rest assured, this is not a cry for help, this is just me getting some of my life trauma off my chest. I hate it when people say, "but you have so much to live for" the truth is no one will ever understand And as much as I would love to be able to go back and say "stop" and say "no", I can't do that. People ask me all the time why didn't you leave, I didn't know I could. I had been trained from a very young age that this was how life was it was and what was expected of me and how I'm supposed to behave. But if there's anyone out there Who has life trauma and needs someone to talk to please find someone, Or if you have no one, my inbox is open Don't hesitate. I've always been told that suicide is a permanent fix for a temporary problem, but for many of us, There is nothing temporary about what we live through every day and the pain that comes along with living.