Trauma and how it shapes us

For the longest time the only way I could get off was with extreme pain. I was brought up in a family that had a monster. This man took any innocence I had and turned it against me.. At 4 years old he started his training And until I was 17, I was unable to get out. The sad thing is is up until my 6th grade year when I 1st went to sex ed class I had no idea that families weren't just like us. After that fateful day and I came home I confronted him about what I learned and from then on it turned from "loving" into The worst possible outcome a person could have towards a child. This man sold my body , let people beat me, rape me. I reached out for protection and absolutely got none. People who were authority figures in my Hometown and my home county participated and brought their teenage boys in to enjoy the festivities.. These were boys these who were also my age that I would see at school and watch them snicker and laugh knowing that I was nothing more than a damn plaything for this entire county. There was a judge who was also involved. He had what he like to call "the farm". At the farm people would pay to hurt me.. I would be tied up and I got electrocuted, beat, And made to endure things that no child should ever have to endure. I ended up pregnant twice from from the abuse and both times the child was lost due to beatings I received. The doctors that would treat me after said beatings knew it was going on and did nothing to help, nothing to help. I'm coming up on one of my children's birthdays in a few days and she would have been 19 this year. Every year It gets harder and harder to understand why people do people do what they do. Every year, I have a harder and harder time even wanting to live. Now rest assured, this is not a cry for help, this is just me getting some of my life trauma off my chest. I hate it when people say, "but you have so much to live for" the truth is no one will ever understand And as much as I would love to be able to go back and say "stop" and say "no", I can't do that. People ask me all the time why didn't you leave, I didn't know I could. I had been trained from a very young age that this was how life was it was and what was expected of me and how I'm supposed to behave. But if there's anyone out there Who has life trauma and needs someone to talk to please find someone, Or if you have no one, my inbox is open Don't hesitate. I've always been told that suicide is a permanent fix for a temporary problem, but for many of us, There is nothing temporary about what we live through every day and the pain that comes along with living.