After I woke this morning, I began thinking about something that has been on my mind a great deal lately, and that is how my past drug use affected my thinking, and how I used my drug use to get what I desired, and justify it if anyone ever found out. This is one thing that I have not really given much thought to, and maybe on some level, I kind of knew most of the reasons as to why I used my drug of choice (I will refer to it from here on as my DOC), crystal meth (And I did not smoke it), but it never really clicked with me until recently.
Twenty years ago, around this time, I was having one of the greatest battles I had faced in a long time, I had given up the needle. It was a particularly painful, both physically, and mentally time in my life, but I knew that I had to make a change, or I would wind up as one of my best friends; He was hit by a vehicle while walking down the road messed up on drugs. Just know that I am happily off my DOC, and will be celebrating twenty years off it in January.
I started using my DOC, over twenty-five years ago, because the person I liked used it. I was crushing hard, and would do whatever he asked of me. I loved the feeling that I got when I was told to do something by him. I knew then that it would never work between us, but I loved the way he commanded me. This became a theme in my life with both men and women, without me really thinking about it, except as a passing thought.
Thinking about it now twenty years later, I began to realize that I used my drug use, to justify not just my promiscuous, or my gay activities, but whatever the person who gave me drugs wanted me to do. I mean it is true. I had convinced myself that I was sucking his dick because I appreciated the drugs he bought, not because I enjoy sucking dicks. I also used it to justify doing whatever I was told, I had convinced myself that I wanted to deliver the drugs to someone because I appreciated what they did for me, giving me drugs.
Now I get what therapist have tried drilling into me for over thirty years, they call it being a people pleaser, I call it being submissive. Being a submissive who thought that it means that he has to make everyone else happy, without any thought to himself. This is changing, I will still prefer to give up control, but only to the one that earns it, the way I want it earned, is that selfish? Maybe. But, I have learned, that it is okay to look for what I desire, even as a submissive.