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What am I?

A small introduction to my current situation.
1 day ago. Nov 25, 2020, 5:52 PM

This morning I woke to find that a friend that has been fighting cancer for a few years passed away. So, I may be a touch emotional today. She and I had a precarious start to our friendship. When we first met, she fell hard for me, and tried her damndest to get me to notice her, and to be interested in her in more than just a friendly way. It never took off like she wanted, because our desires were not compatible.

The biggest thing between us on that, and I found out about it very quickly, was that she wanted a happy monogamous relationship, that would end with growing old together, and being together til death do us part. I, on the other hand, have always been more open handed about relationships and have just never been able to get really comfortable in a monogamous relationship. When I first broke the news to her, it hurt her bad, mostly because I have a tendency to flirt at the drop of the hat (One of the reasons that some friends get upset with my flirtatious ways). She stayed hurt at me for awhile, but we eventually found common ground to start our friendship, and she became a good friend. So today I sit in an emotional pool.

The death of someone I am close with usually has the effect of getting me to reflect on how I view relationships.. Many people think that I am afraid of commitment, maybe a little has to do with that, but I think it is something different. The thought of commiting to just one person, and denying myself when it comes to being attracted to other people, is unsettling. It is not that I enjoy just doing the 'hit it and quit it' thing, but when I have a deep emotional connection to them that is developed over time, if they are agreeable to it, I want to explore a more sensual relationship with them, because it has been my experience that it strengthens the bond between us in a way that makes us happy. Over the years I have lost friendships because of this, and I get called childish regularly.

Am I saying that there is absolutely no way that I could ever commit totally to just one person? No, not necessarily. It is that I feel that I would not be true to myself, at least at this point in my life, and I have done enough of that in my life, and frankly this is one thing that I have decided that I will not hide (And have not for many years).

2 days ago. Nov 25, 2020, 3:43 AM

Today during my journey of enlightenment. I started thinking about gender assignments and what is generally regarded as their role, I have done this a few times, so I started to dig through information on it once again, to see if I could get any closer to really decide what I want to be referred to as when it comes to gender pronouns, I am still leaning more towards just referring to me by my name across the board, in lieu of, him, her, they, etc.

I know I was born a male, and I know what is expected of me in that regards. Yet, there is something else there, and a lot of it is not considered manly. I like to feel silk and lace on my skin, to my recollection, I started this around 11, when my sister and her friend would dress me up when we had to stay home on the weekend, I began to enjoy the feel. I also let my sister and her friend practice putting makeup on me, and never really saw it as abnormal or wrong, though I would not walk in public with any on, because that does not seem to be general consensus, today, I would because I do not care what others think about it, so that makes me girly in the eyes of many. Yet, I know I that is just a part of it, I still enjoy many things that is considered masculine, even though in truth females can, do and enjoy them as well.

Between this and liking to have sex with both males and females, I had no real understanding of what I was, because many times I really wanted to just act like a girl. After reading the information I found on gender identification and roles. I have a clearer understanding and think that I can safely say, I really do not care about what roles are for which gender, and as I understand it, that is more along the line of being Genderqueer. The definition of genderqueer according to the Webster dictionary is; of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity cannot be categorized as solely male or female. This nails me pretty much perfectly. So from now on (Ok, I may have to practice before I do it all the time), I will refer to myself as genderqueer.

Can this cause problems? Probably, not only within the BDSM community, but in the great wide world as well. In the BDSM community, maybe not cause trouble, but close doors for me, as I am sure that there are some dominants that would rather a submissive that holds to the roles of one or the other. The great wide though, they can suck it as far as I am concerned. This is my decision, and it was made after months of research, reflection, and arguing with myself.

4 days ago. Nov 23, 2020, 6:40 AM

I call this my first real experience with BDSM, because in my mind, and now with the knowledge and understanding of what it is and what the rules are of it, I have come to consider this my first legitimate experience in BDSM. I was forged into the pliant soul that I am by others, long before I met him.

I met Larry (I am not using his real name) while I was in second grade, shortly after we had to move because of something that I did (Story for a later time). I met him at the old corner store, and he was nice to me, even though he was much older than me, and gave me some candy. After that he was always nice when he would see me, and I never really questioned it growing up. I once watched him knock a kid out in one punch, I later learned that he had said something rude about me in earshot of Larry. Despite not knowing a lot about him, I developed an admiration for him, and once I began figuring out what I liked, a crush on him, well, as much of one as I allowed myself to have back then.

Now let us move forward about a decade. I am still a teen, and Larry is old enough to buy alcohol by now, he is around a year older than my eldest brother. We moved (Nothing unusual with this), and I was neighbors with him, and that made him happy, at first. Between my work (wage, and other type of work), therapy after the rape, taking care for my family, and watching the special needs coworker of mine that lost his place to live due to a fire, I had absolutely no free time (But hey, I was doing good things). Everytime he would ask me over, I mostly had to turn him down, and half the time I took him up on it, I would take my medicine and zonk out. He got frustrated, and learned that my coworker was crushing hard on me, and devised a way to force me to come see him.

After the usual failure to get me to come see him, he waited for coworker and I to return from the store, and got him to agree to go down there with him. About thirty minutes later the coworker calls and tells me that Larry wants me to come down now, since I had dinner ready, and he told me that he (My coworker) really needed me down there, I went to his house.

When I stepped in and saw the look of terror on my coworker's face, I became concerned. After Larry telling me about, his uncle knowing me, his uncle was one of the two that had raped me around Easter of nineteen-ninety (He didn't use rape though, because his uncle told him that I liked it) my coworker being hard up for me, and that Larry was going to teach me how to be a good little slut for my coworker, I got belligerent about this. I was given the ultimatum; either I do this, or my coworker and my sister would be turned out. I was confused, frightened, but yet, I resigned my life, and began my life as his slut, his whore, because the next day the coworker was gone first thing, so I belonged to him.

Even though he told me that I could trust him, and that he would not hurt me, more often than not, the end would result in pain of some kind for me, but hell that was just pain, so it does not matter because I am a boy. So on and on it went for several months, most were really minor injuries, bruising light cuts, etc. He did have a thing for wanting to mark me, and me being the good little submissive did not really resist, though was letting him know that I thought these were bad ideas, because I am not talking hickeys, or maybe flog marks, I am talking about he left this big burn mark on my leg because he got this notion to brand me, I also have a scar on my chest where he tried to carve his initials over my heart. The worst time that he lost his temper with me, was when I accident got the fire of his cigarette to close to his hand as I was handing it to him, he stuck the cherry on to my palm. By that time though, I had already discovered that I could enjoy pain a lot.

He was mostly kind, and let me keep some of the money that I made when he took me to a hotel room to be his whore. Finally, we seemed to start clicking really well , and I was actually getting into being his submissive sissy slut. But as usual, all good things come to an end I guess.

Apparently his mother over heard his asking to borrow some sex toys from his sister, and cornered her about why he was asking for those things. After that she apparently confronted Larry, and he came clean about everything, even about blackmailing me, into doing what he had me doing. His mother marched him straight into one of the psychiatric hospitals that were near by, then left a message for me to call after I got off work. After getting home and getting the message I go down, totally confused as to why it was her leaving a message, I went down immediately. I was told by his mother that she regretted that her son did such a horrible thing to me. She also let me know that I was free from his control. She also informed me that I shouldn't go to the authorities with it, because everyone knows I am just a faggot anyway, and she knows that I prostituted myself before this ever started, so there was that too. Thus ended my first experience as someone's submissive, slave, slut, faggot, fuck toy, whore.

After this, I think something broke for me, and I was not really able to get shit back together for a long time. Years later I ran into Larry at a bar, and he apologized profusely, that he never meant to go as far as he did. I told him about how I had admired him as a kid, but now trust is gone, and I did not know if there would be any between us again, but I still could not hate him. We still run into each other on occasion, and still greet each other and catch up on each others lives.

When it comes to  BDSM, I had only one other relationship involving it, and it was not as intense or as frequent as that was. I had some choking and spanking, etc during visits with clientele, and I guess that counts, but it was usually bad ideas, and rare, especially with the choking. Because of my misguided loyalty to the idea of what a family is, I had to keep it out of sight (Like my homosexuality), because of the family image. I can not really say I am 'experienced' in BDSM, and that is why after several months of thought and planning, I am beginning to learn things about what I like.

5 days ago. Nov 21, 2020, 10:45 PM

After I woke this morning, I began thinking about something that has been on my mind a great deal lately, and that is how my past drug use affected my thinking, and how I used my drug use to get what I desired, and justify it if anyone ever found out. This is one thing that I have not really given much thought to, and maybe on some level, I kind of knew  most of the reasons as to why I used my drug of choice (I will refer to it from here on as my DOC), crystal meth (And I did not smoke it), but it never really clicked with me until recently. 

Twenty years ago, around this time, I was having one of the greatest battles I had faced in a long time, I had given up the needle. It was a particularly painful, both physically, and mentally time in my life, but I knew that I had to make a change, or I would wind up as one of my best friends; He was hit by a vehicle while walking down the road messed up on drugs. Just know that I am happily off my DOC, and will be celebrating twenty years off it in January.

I started using my DOC, over twenty-five years ago, because the person I liked used it. I was crushing hard, and would do whatever he asked of me. I loved the feeling that I got when I was told to do something by him. I knew then that it would never work between us, but I loved the way he commanded me. This became a theme in my life with both men and women, without me really thinking about it, except as a passing thought.

Thinking about it now twenty years later, I began to realize that I used my drug use, to justify not just my promiscuous, or my gay activities, but whatever the person who gave me drugs wanted me to do. I mean it is true. I had convinced myself that I was sucking his dick because I appreciated the drugs he bought, not because I enjoy sucking dicks. I also used it to justify doing whatever I was told, I had convinced myself that I wanted to deliver the drugs to someone because I appreciated what they did for me, giving me drugs.

Now I get what therapist have tried drilling into me for over thirty years, they call it being a people pleaser, I call it being submissive. Being a submissive who thought that it means that he has to make everyone else happy, without any thought to himself. This is changing, I will still prefer to give up control, but only to the one that earns it, the way I want it earned, is that selfish? Maybe. But, I have learned, that it is okay to look for what I desire, even as a submissive.