Just me

Some thoughts that cross my mind.. Ramblings and such
6 months ago. Wed 18 Apr 2018 03:56:29 AM IDT

The heart and memory....
As she sits alone the hearts memory takes over as it always does. She replays their breif moments together. Thinks of how complete she felt the minute she saw him the inner calm that came with his just coming into sight. When he touched her his light touch lighting her skin on fire. The moment when everything crashed together and mind soul and body became one and she was his. The way his touch feels, his lips, his kiss, his hand on the small of her back, his hands pulling her infront of him and her clumsy self falling into his protective grip. The way she fit into his body everyway. His marks on her neck start to fade but she can still feel him leaving them there. The growl and whispers in her ear that make her body flutter and her heart skip a beat. Her hand in his, his protective hold on her and his scent..... Things that are forever burned in her heart and the light in the darkness.
The darkness....
Leaving is the hardest thing anyone ever has to do and its the moments alone where the heart trys to replay its story but the mind makes its own. She tries to think and live in the breif moments with him but her mind makes her heart miss him more. Her smile fades and the tears roll freely because no one will see them no one will know how she aches. How the darkness brings the demons that even her heart cant keep away. She will put on her smile, her mask. She will survive because she is a brilliant actress and no one knows thats all it is an act. Then a message or a call come and she breaks, the one person who knows just who she is and that she needs him. Without a word he can sense her hurt her need. He protects her from the waves that threaten to pull her under. She knows in that moment she needs him, he is her air, food, water, the part that keeps her alive and not just going thru the motions.....
I need him to keep me calm, grounded, centered and alive.

6 months ago. Sun 08 Apr 2018 03:23:46 AM IDT

How do you get over the anxiety of this world crashing into the real.... 6 days and a wake up.. Finally

7 months ago. Mon 05 Mar 2018 03:13:41 PM IST

This man...
This man has found his place in me
He consumes my every thought
He challenges me and makes me think
He makes me want to be a better me
This man has found the small part of my heart and made it beat again
He made me feel
Hes made me live
He gave me a reason
This man has shown me a new world
Hes given me the strength i need to grow
The courage i need to stand up
The want to be a better me
This man is my breath
Hes shown me the world in a different view
Hes taught me to take it all in
Hes shown me how to trust
This man is my heart beat
He has given me my life back
He has given my desires freedom
Hes given me life
This man...
He is mine
He is my soul
He is my everything
This man i love endlessly

7 months ago. Sun 04 Mar 2018 07:08:27 PM IST

"I want to nurture him, soothe away his pain, clutch him to my body and never leave. I want to give him everything. I want to obey him because it gives me pleasure. I was designed that way. For him." 

Gods and monsters.. Yes a sappy love story but this fits so well

8 months ago. Sun 04 Feb 2018 04:35:59 AM IST

She spent hours on the road dreaming of this. She was suppose to leave early so she could check into her room and freshen up. As usual life got in her way and now there was no time. It was almost 1 and they were to meet at the little cafe patio at 130. She wanted to be there early, she didnt like to walk into a place and be watched. She knew if she was on time he would be there waiting watching her every move. The gps said the cafe was on the right so she pulled her car into a space and parked. Gripping the steering wheel she pulled a deep breath and then the message alert on her phone went off she jumped. She grabbed her phone looked and smiled. It was him, and his message read "just breathe kitty, everything you feel is normal" she closed her eyes and could hear his voice, calm and soothing, she reached for her neck to feel her choker a nervous habit now. She was stuck between 2 the one she knew he liked and the one she needed the bite from to remind her of his power.
Today he gave her the choice of what to wear. She wanted to look perfect. She had gone out and bought some black lace, something she knew he liked. Little hints of red were laced thru the edges it was one of the prettiest and sexiest things she had ever worn. She wore her jeans and a long sleved black shirt that was low cut in the front. She picked the choker that bit her neck tied it in the front and felt the dinas dig in to her skin. She made sure the ends fell perfetly between the v in her shirt and that the smalleat hint of lace was showing. All things she needed to recheck when she got out of the car.
She got out and streched her self out. Hands above her head and on her toes. Arching her back and giggling, this is how she got her nickname. She fixed her appearance in the reflection of the window to the car, she looked ok but her hair always a mess, the curls were all over and untamed. She thought she should have pulled it up. She did just that grabbed the mess and pulled it into a pony. A little better but she would never be happy with the way she looked. Breathing deep again she walked across the street. Everything in slow motion she could hear the click of her boots as she stepped feel her heart pounding every sense alert. She walked in and asked to be seated on the patio. The kid smiled and said follow me. There was no one out there only one table. She went to sit so she could see the door but the kid said no miss you sit here, she was about to argue when he pulled out the chair and there wad a single rose with a card. She bent down picked it up and looked at him. He grinned again and walked away. Still standing she opened the card.
"Hello kitty,
I know how anxious you get so i took the time to make sure you were taken care of before i arrive."
She sat down and exhaled then inhaled the sweet smell from the perfect red rose. The breeze was blowing and in the wind she could smell hits of jasmine. Her hair lightly tickled her neck and her body shivered. She was watching the street looking for him. She was nestled in the back patio where she could only be seen if someone was looking. She knew someone was looking but couldnt find him. Time felt like it was ticking slowly away it was almost standing still. Then the kid showed back up with some ice water and a drink. What is it she looked at him wondering who sent it. She smelled the drink before tasting it. She could smell alcohol and it looked to be maybe sprite in the cup. She took a small sip as her phone pinged again. She picked it up and it was him. "Dont move a muscle, sit still and stop looking take a drink its to help calm your nerves a little, its tequila i wouldnt send you anything you wouldnt like, sprite with a dash of lime i believe this is the way you drink it" she grinned at how well he knew her. How could she ever doubt he didnt pay attention to the things she said. He even picked out the little things in her writing. She did as he said took a drink and then messaged back, " i feel you watching me but can't find you the anxiety is killing me" just as she sent it the breeze came again and that stupid little hair tickled her neck again she reached up to brush it away and instead she felt a hand. As she went to turn she heard his voice whisper in her ear " i told you kitty dont move a muscle, I've been watching you since you arrived. I knew you would want to be here first so i wouldnt see you nervously walk in but my sweet i watched you from the moment you stepped out of your car." His hand slowly touched her neck and along her collar bone then coming back he pulled her choker slightly saying "good choice did it calm you?" Everything she felt and thought were a jumbled mess in her head. He was here behind her and she still handnt seen his face she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, "yes Sir" in a very quiet whisper. His hands moved on her shoulders and in that instant she relaxed. She had dreamed of his touch and now the reality was so much better. Her body reacted to his slightest touch and a soft moan came out. He moved infront of her and reached for her hands she slipoed them in his, her head lowered still not looking afraid to wake from the dream, he guided her to her feet lifted her chin looked into her eyes his face so close to her she could feel his breath "look at me kitty its real i wont disappear if you open your eyes" just as she opened her eyes and met his he pulled her close wrapped his arms around her and kissed her lips. She moaned into his kiss and at that moment the world stopped turning. Everything was right and as it should be, he was real and hers and she was totally and forever his....

8 months ago. Thu 01 Feb 2018 06:03:44 AM IST

Insecurities have a funny way of slapping you in the face. Yesterday and today have been a bit of touch and go. Let me explain, yesterday my normal routine was messed up and i was on my way to work, traffic here in so cal is horrid at 730 am and i get super stressed from it. I reached for my choker to play with it as i seem to find it calming, it wasn't there. I had run out the door and made it half way into heavy traffic and i realized it wasn't on me. I had a heart dropping moment. I of course told Sin right away and he was very understanding due to the chaos of the morning. Anyway day goes on and its just more crap ontop of crap. I kept feeling for my choker. I realized at some point i felt like i was becoming my old self, the insecurities and quietness were creeping back in. Then Sin had a not so great evening and even our normal routine wasnt normal. It was very short. I went to sleep feeling like i had messed up in everyway. He didnt make me feel that way i made myself. So now to this early morning, my alarm no matter what is set for 345 so i can tell Sin good morning, today my alarm didnt go off. My eyes popped open at 315 and i wasnt going to message him first because i didnt want to wake him. So i went to shower and left my phone in my room. I came back and still nothing, now of course i start with the insecurities. I finally ask if hes awake and i get im awake. Not anything like his normal. I became very shut off at this point. I didnt want to look forward to anything we usually do in the morning, i was falling into the dark place i use to hide then the phone rang. I saw his name and i was cautious i was peeking around the corner, he took it slow i think sensing my hesitation once he got me to laugh he pulled me right back into our world and things felt right.
The reason i gave the whole story is because no one ever told me how easy it is to slip back into an insecurity you have had. The things that happened were minor but my mind took them and ran. I could hear everything i had been told by my ex and how i wasnt worth it...blah blah blah. As I write this all i can think is if one new person learns anything from me its that it is very easy to fall into old habits or ways of thinking even if things that triggered it were tiny grains of sand. If you are lucky and have someone who knows you they will pull you out of your own head. Every action has a reaction and one drop can cause a tidal wave. Talk to people dont close up trust yourself and when you cant, trust your friends. Today Sin saved me from myself and in turn i made his day better.

8 months ago. Thu 25 Jan 2018 04:37:54 AM IST

A few months ago i was barely learning about me. You answered a message and there hasnt been a day since that we havent talked. I just paid a compliment and never dreamed id be here.

    When we started talking i was lost, confused and ready to give up on things i wanted. Something with you clicked. I opened up and as usual asked a million questions. Eventually the questions became ok in my mind to ask. Then there was one question you had that got me. "You havent asked how i claim my girl" that was it. I knew right then there was something between us.

         2 months have gone by since hypothetical's became our reality.
In the few months we have talked and explored i have learned to bare everything to you. All of the things i doubt about myself you see only good. We have broke down walls, opened doors and renovated my mind. You understand me. You get every crazy crazy detail and accept it.

       You have shown me what it means to trust again. You have given me hope and and faith. You are a friend (best) when i need it, a supporter when im discouraged, a strong hand when my attitude is bigger than life, a lover when im breaking, and most important always mine.

        I have a promise to make to you and i hope you accept it. I know no one here will know your response but its only us that matters. I promise to give you my all. To always try to be the best me i can and make you proud. I promise to keep an open mind and explore with you. I promise to be your dina, your star and most important your best friend. I hope that you will be my oh scar (grinning) and always accept me for who i am.

       In all these words the only thing im lacking in saying is thank you. Thank you for making me feel alive again. Mind body and soul im forever yours. Thank you for claiming me 2 months ago, i will be at your feet untill i can not kneel anymore.

8 months ago. Sun 21 Jan 2018 05:16:08 AM IST

Weekends test me in everyway! They are looked forward to by everyone around me and I cant stand them. There is to much down time for me. Home is crazy to catch up on all the things I didnt get done during the week, mindless tasks that dont keep my mind busy. The littles in my house are off the wall because they want to be out doing something to not understanding I only have a short time to get everything done before they have to go to the other parents home on Sunday. Again there is to much time and I get lost in my head a lot.

    When I am at work things just happen, I dont over think who I am or who I belong to. I dont question what I will be doing that day because I know. The weekend ugh not my favorite time. I question everything, get lost in my thoughts and most of them are doubting me. Am I good enough am I making enough progress do I make him happy. This weekend I hoped would be different because during the week I had a wall break down. 

    The bad part with this is my brain decided to get on board on a Friday. Well lets just say I have been fighting a battle in my head all day today to not start building it back up. Some how Friday He was able to get me to verbally say what I wanted not text it but out loud say what I wanted. Something I would never do. This changed a lot for me. It showed me that its better than ok to tell him what I want. It doesnt make me different or crazy it makes me honest. I felt different inside and showed it outside. I walked with more pride, I could tell people were looking at me and I didnt care (this is something I do care about I dont want to be noticed) Friday I knew I am HIS!! 

     So today I have had the battle of not building the wall, trying to do the little things around the house to keep myself from stacking the bricks. Not being able to talk to him as much as I do during the week doesnt help. I am so thankful for having the moment I did and I dont want to go back. Chris you are by far one of the best things to walk into my life. I know what I have and what I want to be for you. I promise you if the wall is built it will only be a short one as I dont want anything between us.

    For those of you who have been there or are in the same place, our walls kept us safe in our day to day. The thing I learned friday is I dont need the wall to be safe, I need him. Remember you build the walls you can bring them down and who knows what little dark places will be opened when you take them down.  So here is to our journey and the walls coming down. Something else I learned its not real till you verbally say it. Even text and emails still give you a way to hide. 

9 months ago. Fri 19 Jan 2018 05:51:35 AM IST

Ever been tested in your job? I have over and over. This week has been one of the most stressful and insane weeks ever only to be capped off by the loss of a special patient. Everytime ive ever had this happen and my heart breaks for the families im told get over it, its your job, your to sensitive this is part of nursing. Today i ran to the one person i have found comfort in and he once again proved to me that i can trust him. He put aside whatever was going on with him to make sure i was alright. Even when i said i was he knew different. He checked on me all day comforted me and reassured me. He is my safe place.
Chris i cant ever tell you enough how thankful i am for you. How much i find myself depending on you. You were my strength today and my safe place to land as the world crashed down around me. Im honored to be yours. I promise this my loyalty lies in your hands, my body is yours, my mind turns to you always and my heart well you know where that is.
I hope everyone finds their comfort with their other, their safe place, the warmth when its cold and the light when its to dark to see. Always remeber to not be afraid to say what you feel because tomorrow isnt a promise its a gift we may not get to open.

9 months ago. Sun 14 Jan 2018 03:12:13 AM IST

The past 2 weeks I have been sick. Not put me out of work sick that woukd take an act of god or someone (yes you) telling me to sit my ass back down and not go in. Anyway the whole time ive been sick ive had you checking in on me, making sure im doing ok. I have never had that with the exception of my mom. You have taken your time with me, given me the attention i crave and even listened to my froggy voice.
Now the tables are turned and even though im still not 100% my poor master is sick. You still take the time to make sure im ok, and all i want to do is take care of you. I want to be there with you to make sure your being treated as you should be. Its my job to care for you.
I have never felt the need to care for someone the draw or urge. Yes i mean it is my profession and my home life but this is different. For you id go to the ends of the world to know your comfortable, happy and feeling better.
I dont know how i got so lucky to have you and to be yours but it makes the need to take care of you so strong. Thank you for caring for me the way you do, and i promise ill do my best by you. Thank you so much for making me feel