TRIGGER WARNING- self harm, DV, r@pe.
Tonight for the first time in over a year I broke the streak
I'm 24 and have endured more than I should have had to at this point in my life. now before it goes to the typical 'oh she's whining and looking for sympathy poor her' blah blah blah I'm not. I don't regret what happened to me, It made me stronger in the long run; but I'm also not going to pretend it hasn't taken its mental toll on me.
As of three years old the foster system was in and out of my life, child care workers making lies to remove us from our parents (going as far as interviewing my special needs brother on when we last went to the doctors, ect), As of 12 I was being bullied so hard kids were wearing steel toed boots to beat the crap out of me until I paid them, at 14 a suicide attempt which stopped my heart and left a gnarly scar on my wrist, at 15 the loss of my best friend which I still blame myself for as she copied the way I attempted.
I survived it, I was out. i was so sure that I was out. at 16 I moved schools, I started a new life where I developed a b****y exterior to protect myself. it was going great until he walked in. he was funny, made me laugh & melted my worries away. until I started getting further away from my family, starting fights within it & making him the center of my world... It was then that it was when he started abusing me, in almost every way you can imagine. unable to see clearly blinded by 'love' until one day I was brought on an unexpected road trip with my dad where we learned of the growing peanut in my belly.
I GOT OUT!! I was out of there as fast as I could, not willing to let my little peanut be affected by my blindness. Life was going great.. until my son was 8 months old when I allowed a childhood friend to stay with us in my studio loft because he had no where else to stay, I was being kind!! how could this happen? how could I be held down with my son at the end of my bed in his crib, making sure not to scream because he would wake.. how? how does this keep happening to me?
Again, I healed and I picked up the pieces. again the pattern repeated itself falling for the wrong guy.
Again I got out, this time vowing I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt. id be a hoe, have some fun and stay in my own bratty bubble.
I survive is my point. I go day by day just looking for the green grass on the other side however it was just too much tonight. I broke down & now I feel so ashamed that I can barely look myself in the mirror, hating myself bringing the circle all the way around.
