To the reader.
I have fought with many people. Friends, lovers, Co workers and with even myself. Tired of people telling me what's right for me or how I should act. I have tried to be understand, and flexible. Tried to work around others all my life cause I believed you had to work together in order to get there together. Now I don't feel like I should. Opened that the door to that emotional place. Can feel it closing shut again. Making time for people and get little back. My times should be just as worthy as yours. Being told my beliefs are wrong. No they aren't, they just isn't yours.
I don't wish myself dead but I sure do feel it. It's because of that dead feeling I had as a teen that I did self harm. The pain reminds me I feel but when pain is all you feel. Is it the only thing you know? The only thing that will find me?
One thing is for sure. Mine is the pain I deal with everyday. Today I feel like its submissive. Giving into its will. I feel no pleasure in it just what it wants me to feel. So perhaps a bit masochism. Right now I wish I could feel more physical then this emotional. Can't say I would safe word even if I wanted to right now.