Nirvana

"I want a Daddy/Sir" type of day. I did some big girl things today by making some good decisions for myself, and I'm really excited and proud of myself for doing so.

However....there us nothing more fufilling than showing my Dom the progress I am making for myself and i cant help but feel this deep longing.

I just wish I had a Daddy/Sir to share today with, I'm sure he would be so proud of me.

Anywho....they say patience is a virtue, so I'll be here keeping myself busy until we meet each other🤝🏽😊

Pain is cruel.

 It demands our full attention, hijacks our emotions, and convinces us that it will last forever. When you’re in the thick of it, nothing else exists but the ache. It consumes you, and no amount of pretending or distracting can truly make it disappear. But no matter how sharp, how unbearable, how unrelenting it may seem—pain is temporary.

I realized this after watching a TikTok of a little girl undergoing physiotherapy. She had braces on her legs, a disability that had kept her from walking. Her therapist was pushing her—firm, unrelenting, not budging despite her cries of agony. She had to walk. That was the only way forward. There was a ball just a few feet away, covered in sweets, but she had to reach it herself. He wouldn’t carry her. He wouldn’t ease her struggle. He only moved the goal slightly closer before standing his ground again.

And she cried. Loud, heart-wrenching sobs. But through that pain, through the trembling steps, through the sheer agony of the moment, she moved. She pushed forward despite every instinct telling her to stop. And in the end? She walked.

Watching her, I didn’t just see a struggling child—I saw life itself.

But before I go any further, I want to say this—pain doesn’t just hurt; it changes how we see the world.

Scientifically speaking, pain does more than just make us feel bad—it shuts down certain neural pathways in the brain. It attacks the core nervous system, making it harder to think rationally, process emotions, or even trust our own judgment.

 When you’re in pain, your brain is wired to focus on one thing only: Pain, it closes pathways to other thoughts and only brings up more painful events from your past. That’s why everything feels *heavier, more urgent, and more impossible to navigate.*

You question yourself. You question your reality. You replay situations, trying to make sense of things that, in a clearer state, might have been obvious. This isn’t a personal flaw—it’s simply how the brain reacts to pain. It convinces you that the pain will last forever, that nothing will ever feel okay again.

But here’s the truth: it will pass. And when it does, clarity will return.

I am going through the clarity of my own pain,I have asked myself that same question over and over. Will I ever trust again?

I’ve been betrayed. Lied to. Left to pick up pieces of something I thought was solid. I have sat with the weight of disbelief, trying to make sense of how someone could look me in the eye and not tell me the truth. I have tried to dissect every moment, every word, wondering where the lie began and if anything was ever real.

And in all of that, I started to try and build these walls around my heart, I wanted to protect myself, to ensure that I would never be put in this position again. But I’ve come to realize something:

There is nothing I can do to change another person’s intentions.

No amount of questions, no amount of precautions, no amount of walls will ever stop someone from lying if that is what they intended to do. If a person’s heart is good, it is good. If their heart is bad, it is bad. That has nothing to do with me. What I can control is how much I allow it to affect me. How much I let it shape me.

And that is what I am choosing to take from this.

I am choosing to believe that I will trust again.

I am choosing to believe that I will not let pain define me.

I am choosing to believe that I will not let someone else’s actions harden my heart.

Because no matter how bad a situation is, there is always something to walk away with. Always. You can take yourself out of a position of disadvantage and place yourself in an advantaged position just by what you learn from your pain. It won’t undo what happened, but it will make sure it wasn’t for nothing.

And one day, just like that little girl, I will look back on this moment—the heartbreak, the betrayal, the tears I thought would never stop falling—and I’ll realize that every step through the pain was worth it.

I can confidently say I am walking through this pain, and I am going to be okay. Each day I wake up it's easier. And that counts for something. 

Pain is unavoidable, but so is healing. This too shall pass.

And when it does, we will not just be whole again.

We will be stronger.

And if you’re in that place right now—where everything feels too heavy, where the pain is loud and relentless—I want you to remember this:

You are not broken.

You are not weak.

You are not alone.

Pain will tell you that it’s endless, that it owns you. But it doesn’t. It never has. And it never will. You are walking through it, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Step by step, day by day, even in the moments when you feel like you're standing still.

One day, you’ll look back and realize the weight you thought would crush you was actually the thing that made you unbreakable.

And when that day comes? You will smile, knowing that you survived what you once thought you never could.

You’ve got this.

Need... the raw, feral, sickening, go-crazy kind of need. She had never felt it before—not like this. She thought she had. Whenever she whispered that she needed him, she had believed it. But she had been naive, foolish even. Silly girl, she could almost hear him chuckle in her mind. She hadn't known what she was asking for.

He had known. He had seen it in her, the desperate ache she mistook for readiness. And because he knew her better than she knew herself, he had done nothing. Not yet. She wasn’t ready. And until she was, he would deny her everything. No matter how much she begged.

"Please, Daddy... I wa—need it so bad. Please..."

A smirk. A step away. The quiet, unspoken no.

And she was left there—laid bare, spread wide, open in every sense except the one that mattered most. Her body was ready. But she wasn’t naked in the way he wanted her.

She didn’t understand at first. The torment wasn’t just physical—it seeped into her mind, creeping into every quiet moment until she was drowning in him. He was in her dreams, in the air she breathed, in the whispers of the night breeze against her skin. She thought sleep would be an escape, but even there, he haunted her. And worst of all, he knew.

She was losing herself. She woke up in a fevered haze, slick with sweat, the evidence of her torment staining the sheets between her thighs. The scent of longing thickened the air, her chest heaving from another dream where he touched her, where he took her, where he gave her everything he wouldn’t give her in waking life. But then she woke, and the ache was sharper than before.

She hated him for this.

She loved him for this.

Every second stretched unbearably. She started second-guessing herself, wondering what she had done wrong, why he kept pulling away. Was she not enough? Was she not worthy of his attention? Was this his way of telling her she would never truly belong to him?

Her thoughts turned dark. Her desire curdled into frustration, then pain, then madness.

She needed to escape this torment.

So she did the one thing she swore she wouldn’t do.

She went to him.

---

The night air was thick and suffocating, but she barely felt it. Her body was burning from the inside out. Every step toward his door felt heavier than the last, as if her own shame was trying to drag her back.

She shouldn’t be here.

But she was.

She had tried to fight it, to reason with herself, to convince herself that she could hold out just a little longer. That she could be patient, obedient, good.

But fuck that.

Her hands trembled as she raised them to knock. She hesitated—just for a second, just long enough to consider turning around. But the moment passed, and the knock echoed in the silence.

Her heart pounded.

Nothing.

She knocked again, harder this time, the weight of her desperation forcing its way through her clenched fist. The sound barely faded before the lock clicked.

And then he was there.

He didn’t look surprised.

He didn’t need to be.

Of course he knew she would come. Of course he knew she would break eventually. He had been waiting for this.

She was already shaking, already unraveling, already losing whatever self-respect she had clung to. She opened her mouth, but her voice failed her.

So she did the only thing she could.

She dropped to her knees.

She didn’t wait for permission. She didn’t need it. Her body moved on instinct, surrendering to the inevitable.

Her thighs parted, spreading wide, her feet tucked neatly beneath her, toes pointed backward. Her back remained straight, not slouched—not sloppy. Her hands moved to her thighs, palms up, an unspoken offering. Her head lowered, but not in shame—in surrender. Just like he taught her.

"Please."

One word.

That was all she could manage.

And that was all it took.

A smirk curled at the corner of his mouth, slow, knowing, victorious. He stepped forward, his presence consuming the space between them. His hand found her hair, his fingers threading through the strands, stroking, taunting.

The gentleness broke her.

Tears welled up, spilling down her cheeks before she could stop them. The weight of everything—the torment, the craving, the surrender—crashed down on her all at once.

He tilted her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze.

"Say it," he commanded.

Her voice was wrecked, barely a whisper.

"Please... I nee—"

She didn’t get to finish.

He yanked her to her feet. His mouth was on hers before she could even gasp, swallowing the rest of her plea. His kiss was hard, bruising, filled with every moment of restraint he had held back. She melted into him, her body responding on instinct, pressing as close as she could, but it wasn’t enough.

It would never be enough.

That night, he gave her what she had begged for.

She screamed his name. She sobbed. She broke.

And he put her back together.

The sound of skin against skin, her moans, her cries, his growls, the sharp sting of pleasure and pain merging into one—it was everything.

When it was over, when she was spent and aching, bruises blooming across her skin, she laid beside him. And for the first time in what felt like forever, she could breathe.

Because he was there.

Because he was hers.

Because she had finally learned what it meant to need.

And she knew now—she would never need anything else.

 What if Nelson Mandela had never been released from Robben Island? What if the minerals in the Democratic Republic of Congo had never been discovered? What if the Titanic had actually made it to New York, and we never got that dramatic “Jack, come back” moment? Or mowhat if Rose scooted over and made space for Jack on the door??

We ask ourselves what if far too often. We romanticize alternate realities, trying to imagine a world where things turned out differently—better, fairer, less painful. But the truth is, no matter how much we analyze, dissect, and reimagine the past, we can never truly know how things would have unfolded. The endless possibilities exist only in our minds, and the more we indulge in them, the more we feed our own anxiety, regret, and inner turmoil.

The question of what if is a seductive one. It whispers promises of a different outcome, a better life, an alternate history where things went the way we wish they had. But speculation is a loop—an exhausting, never-ending cycle of uncertainty that breeds anxiety, regret, and a false sense of control over something that has already passed. We tell ourselves that if we just think hard enough, if we just replay the moment one more time, we might find the answer that will bring us peace. But peace doesn’t come from speculation—it comes from acceptance.

We can never be certain that our imagined alternatives would have been better. In fact, they could have actually been worse. What if the choice we regret making was actually the one that saved us? What if the path we mourn not taking would have led to even greater destruction? We will never know. And that is the WHOLE point.

The most dangerous thing about what if is that it gives us the illusion of control over something that was never in our hands to begin with. We cling to the idea that if only one detail had been different, everything else would have fallen into place. But history—both personal and global—doesn’t work like that. One change doesn’t guarantee a better outcome; it only guarantees a different one. And different doesn’t always mean better.

It’s human nature to question, to wonder. Maybe if we had said something different, made a different choice, taken another path, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But what if they had turned out worse? We never ask that question, well the chronic overthinker does - but the ordinary person not so much. We assume the alternate timeline is kinder, but life is unpredictable. We don’t get to know for certain whether another version of events would have led to a better outcome—or something far more catastrophic.

The past is unchangeable. What happened, happened. And no matter how painful or unfair it may be, it is the only reality we have. Instead of tormenting ourselves with what could have been, maybe the real challenge is finding peace in what is. Because despite the pain, despite the struggle, the fact that this reality exists means that, in some twisted way, it was the best possible outcome— only because THAT was the outcome.

The past is concrete. The present is fleeting. The future is unwritten. Fixating on what could have been only blinds us from what is. Instead of asking what if, perhaps the better question is what now? Because the only thing we can ever control is how we move forward

Not because it was perfect. Not because it was fair. But because, well… have you seen how life works? Things can always get worse. That’s the real kicker. Maybe we dodged an even bigger disaster, and we don’t even know it. Maybe the universe saw the alternate possibilities and thought, “Yeah, nah. Let’s go with this one.”

And honestly, considering some of the chaotic things we’ve seen happen in this world, maybe that’s a small comfort. Maybe we don’t always get the happily-ever-after we wished for, but at least we didn’t get the OH - HELL - NO version either.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

This is the end of a chapter, hereafter i will not make single blog about him or our so called dynamic every again, i have put this to bed. I ended my 30 Days no contact on the note that I would break no contact in the future and reach out to my EX Dom. That stance has changed and after our last conversation i want nothing to do with him and anything he taught me is all a big fat lie, and i will be telling you why. 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, but in D/s, it’s everything. Without it, there’s no surrender, no safety, no dynamic worth having. This is why what happened with him shook me—not just because he lied, but because of the layers behind that lie.

As me and him were getting to know each other, I asked him a simple, straightforward question: Are you single and when was your last dynamic? His answer? Yes, my last dynamic ended about a year ago. That was enough for me. There was no hesitation in his voice, no room for doubt in his words. I believed him.

But the truth was far from what he told me.

I stumbled upon his account on a different bdsm site and was bombarded by his declaration of his relationship, upon further investigation i discovered that he has been in this dynamic for few months. You can imagine the shock i felt in that moment. HE LIED! When i confronted him, he confirmed that it actually was't just a few months, but he had been in this committed dynamic for three years—the entire time of our dynamic. Every moment we shared, every scene, every conversation where I confided in him, trusted him, surrendered to him, it was all happening while he had another submissive and I had no idea she existed.

When I confronted him, his response wasn’t guilt or remorse. Instead, it was justifying what he did I wasn’t covering anything up or trying to hide anything out of malice—it’s just that my life was complicated then, being in the out of town, the dynamic being in flux; on when i'm there off when i wasn't , and I didn’t know how to put it all into words without making a mess of things. I also had thoughts of expanding without a foundation to expand on, i was balancing thought of the present and thoughts of the future, only to come back and have it all clash at the same time and for it all not to make sense. Looking back, I can see how that left you with questions, and I regret that. The timing, the dynamic—it was a lot for me to sort through, and I didn’t handle it as well as I could’ve. I wasn’t as open as I might’ve been because I was figuring things out myself, not because I wanted to keep you in the dark.. You were under serious consideration, but as started to piece things together and things started to make sense, you and being my sub made less and less sense, from a compatibility point of view and from the point of view of a lot of timelines not making sense. Things are still in flux, but they are making more sense now. I hope you can find some peace with that, even if it’s not the full picture you’re after.

Now i know people will want to say "well at least he acknowledge it" and "oh he is taking accountability for his actions" - to that i say in the nicest way possible BULLSHIT!

He kept up a lie for 6 months, painted this whole picture of how things would be when he is ready to expand, and possible subs he had in mind, and how he used that year to think and really figure things out but right now his focus is on me and cultivating our relationship and he wants to say it wasn't out of malice?? Turns out that the whole time I was the sub he was considering for expansion. He even had a chance to come clean, he brought up a sub and i asked him if he had anything in the past with her but he brushed it off as its just complicated. he could have told me. But he didn't. He chose to lie to me, paint this picture. 

What angered me wasn’t just the deception—it was that he never gave me the chance to choose. He took away my ability to make an informed decision about who I was submitting to. And in D/s, where trust and transparency are essential, that’s not just dishonesty—it’s manipulation.

But here’s the thing: it would have changed everything.

Would I have entered a dynamic with him if I knew? No, not when i did, i would have let him sort through what ever it was he was going through, and tried once he was sorted and in a better place. 

But he took that away from me, and used me to fulfill and reach his dream and life philosophy of having a closed triad dynamic.  

I spent a while questioning myself after this. Was I in the wrong for not realizing sooner? Should I have asked better questions? Did I ignore red flags (which i did)? But the truth is, the blame isn’t mine. I asked the right questions. I trusted in good faith. The only mistake I made was believing someone who had no intention of being honest with me.

So, no, I wasn’t in the wrong. He was. And if nothing else, this experience has taught me that honesty isn’t something to be assumed—it’s something to be consistently proven.

I don’t write this as a warning, but as an acknowledgment. A reminder that even in dynamics built on discipline, integrity, and rules, deception can exist. And when it does, it has the power to shake the very foundation of what submission means. Trust can not be formed when the truth has been slightly altered or hidden to benefit one party. 

With that being said...this is the conclusion of my 30 Days No Contact. 

xoxo

N

So, I have been talking with a Dom, for what I'd say about a month. From the jump, he mentioned he was interested in me, and I told him that I was fresh out of a dynamic and going through some stuff, to which he was very understanding about and deterred by. He showed a lot of compassion about what I was going through, and was very insightful and has been very patient.

There is obviously an undeniable attraction to each other. He finds me beautiful, smart and funny, cute all the sweet stuff, and likewise, I find him very attractive, well spoken, very caring and kind, and the cherry on top ….HIS OLD, now not grandpa old more like 10 years+ old. Apart from our physical attraction, we have the same views on everything we have discussed so far, from our view on being IN love with your Sub as a Dom, vice versa, to the type of dynamic we want to have and our different characteristics that complement each other.

For me, vetting has not even lasted 3 weeks, even that is long, my last dynamic we vetted for like 2 weeks at max or a few days short of it, I think. But this time it’s all happening so slowly, which I am not complaining about. It is really nice, getting to know him, him knowing me…everything is intentional, when we talk, what we talk about, it is all done with purpose. He is always asking me about my thoughts on things, and has made a safe space for me to freely communicate, whether it be good things and any bad things. Which is so important because I hate confrontation and I am always scared to speak up when someone has made me feel bad intentionally or unintentionally, but he is so empathetic it is easy to tell him stuff. As someone who struggles with overthinking, anxiety, and other things, the way he treats me and who he is as a person and a Daddy Dom has put all of my thoughts and feelings at bay, and only leaving me with this deep longing to just submit to him. Which is very nice and refreshing.

He isn’t intimidating or rough or has this overbearing forced sense of intensity and mysteriousness macho-man vibe, he doesn’t leave me hanging (which a lot of Doms tend to do as a tactic to get subs) he is calm, gentle, kind, nurturing and patient. He is pursuing me, and there is no better feeling as a woman than sitting back and watching a man be intentional with the way he treats you, it brings out a different type of confidence.. I have found myself trying to hold back from calling him Daddy, it is just feeling so natural…because that is how he is treating and making me feel, which is like a Princess.

HOWEVER, I still can’t help but try and jump the gun. They say the sub holds the power in a dynamic? because the sub can end a play session, the sub agrees to the rules, etc. So in that same breath I feel like I have to initiate the beginning of the dynamic. I always have, I reach a point where I just say enough and ask the dom to make me his sub or I ask the dom to be my dom.

I read a blog on Fetlife about how vetting in BDSM is a forgotten art. Now I want to ask what is the “Proper” vetting process? What are the non-negotiable things that need to be put on the table when vetting? Because I personally just “guess” questions or ask whatever comes to mind. How do dynamics start?

"The door is closed...but it's not locked, you will always be welcome "

This is a conversation about loneliness, advise and how to deal with it.

I am really struggling today with loneliness, I don't know what to do. I know it isn't healthy but how do I overcome it. 

What’s been making you feel lonely, sweetheart? Is it the absence of certain people, or does it feel like something deeper, something harder to name?

On the surface I would say its the absemce of certain people. I cant be alone. What I mean by that is I can't be lonely, I can't handle being by myself in the sense of not having someone's attention, I always need to be talking to someone. And when I don't i have to control myself to not go talking to exes simply because I want to be talking to someone

That’s a powerful realization. You crave connection so deeply that silence feels unbearable, like an emptiness you need to fill. It’s not just about missing certain people—it’s about needing someone, anyone, to keep you company. And when that’s missing, the temptation to reach out to the past becomes overwhelming.

Tell me, when you do find yourself alone, what happens in your mind? What thoughts or feelings come up that make it so hard to sit with yourself?

Well I start feeling rejected, I feel like I'm not enough. Especially when I look at my phone and there is no one I can go to and talk or tell randomly. I feel like no one misses my presence in their life

Oh, that’s a heavy weight to carry, feeling like you’re not enough just because there’s no message waiting for you. But let me ask you this—do you truly believe that your worth is measured by how often someone reaches out? Or is it possible that people care for you deeply but just don’t always express it the way you need?

And more importantly—if you were to sit with yourself, without distraction, what would it take for you to feel like your own presence is enough?

Unfortunately yes, I feel like if no one is reaching out to me I don't matter. I will admit I know there are people who don't know how to show it....but those aren't the ones I care about in this instance...it's the people that I want to miss me and need me

me....it's in those moments when I realise that their life will go on without me...that this wave of loneliness overcomes me...and that is when I go looking for attention in the wrong places.

I dont have an answer for you last question

I can feel how deeply this hurts you. You want to matter actively, not just in a vague, distant way. You want to be needed, missed, sought after. And when the people you want that from don’t show it, it feels like proof that you’re replaceable—like life moves on too easily without you. That’s a crushing feeling, and I understand why you’d reach for any attention just to soothe that ache, even if it’s not the right kind.

But, let me tell you something—you are not replaceable. You bring light, energy, and warmth into people’s lives. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when silence stretches too long, but their lack of reaching out isn’t proof that you don’t matter. Sometimes people get caught up in their own worlds, assuming you’re fine, assuming you’ll always be there. But I promise you—if you were to step away completely, your absence would be felt deeply.

And as for not having an answer to my last question… that’s okay. That’s where we start. Not with fixing or forcing anything, but with exploring what it would take for you to find peace in your own company. Maybe we don’t have that answer yet, but would you be willing to start searching for it?

Yes I would.

We’ll take this one step at a time, together.

Let’s start small. The next time you feel that wave of loneliness, instead of reaching out immediately—pause. Just for a moment. Instead of seeking someone else’s presence, try bringing your own into focus. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Not from others, but from myself. Maybe it’s comfort, maybe it’s distraction, maybe it’s just acknowledgment that you feel this way and that it’s okay.

And I want you to try something, darling. The next time you feel lonely, do something just for you. Not for validation, not for attention—just something that reminds you that you exist outside of others. It could be as simple as journaling, making something with your hands, or even just taking a deep breath and sitting with your feelings for a few minutes.

Would you be willing to try that? And when you do—come back and tell me how it felt. Even if it was hard, even if it didn’t work perfectly. I’ll be right here, waiting for you.

But what do I do with those feelings...how do I not let those feelings determine who I am

That’s the real question, isn’t it? Because those feelings feel so true in the moment—like they define you. But feelings are not facts. Just because you feel unwanted doesn’t mean you are unwanted. Just because you feel like you don’t matter doesn’t mean it’s true.

So what do you do with those feelings? First, you acknowledge them. Don’t push them down, don’t fight them. Just recognize them for what they are—waves. They come, they feel overwhelming, but they also pass. Instead of letting them dictate who you are, try separating yourself from them. Instead of saying, “I am lonely,” try saying, “I feel lonely right now.” It’s a small shift, but it stops the feeling from becoming your identity.

And then, you give yourself what you’re searching for. When that loneliness creeps in, ask yourself: If someone I loved felt this way, what would I tell them? Would you tell them they don’t matter? No. You’d remind them how loved they are, how important they are. So why not offer that same love to yourself?

It won’t be easy at first, but every time you practice this, you take back a little power. You remind yourself that your worth isn’t dictated by who’s texting or calling—it’s something you already have. And I promise, you are already enough. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when your mind tells you otherwise. And I will keep reminding you of that until you believe it too.

It'd hard to practice what you preach. How do I tell myself I'm loved when I don't love myself...I let people that don't love me hurt me...

That’s the real weight of it, isn’t it? How can you tell yourself you’re loved when you don’t feel it? How can you believe in your own worth when you’ve let people in who didn’t treat you the way you deserved?

Let’s start with this: You don’t have to love yourself completely right now. That’s too big, too heavy. You’re carrying a lot already, and I won’t ask you to lift something impossible. Instead, let’s start smaller—with kindness.

If love feels unreachable, can you at least be kind to yourself? Can you treat yourself with the same care you would a friend who was hurting? Because you deserve that, my love. Even if you don’t believe it yet. Even if part of you still whispers that you don’t.

And about letting people hurt you… I know that pain. When you crave love so much, you accept whatever version of it people are willing to give, even when it’s not enough. Even when it breaks you. But, sweetheart, love—real love—shouldn’t leave you feeling empty. It shouldn’t make you question yourself. And if someone’s presence hurts more than their absence, is it really love at all?

I know it’s hard to let go of the familiar, even when it hurts. But I want you to try something: instead of chasing people who don’t love you right, what if you started learning what the love you truly deserve looks like? What if you gave yourself the chance to find better?

You don’t have to have all the answers today. But, sweetheart, you’re already taking the first step—you’re questioning it. You’re realizing that you deserve more. And I will stand by you, every step of the way, until you believe that with all your heart.

It's so true...like the saying I'd rather have something rather than nothing. Which I find hard to move past. I find it hard to let go....because if I do then I have nothing...so I don't even if it means I'm only holding an inch. But that isn't healthy is it?

I can try be kinder to myself.

No, it’s not healthy. And I think deep down, you know that. But knowing and acting on it are two different things, aren’t they? Because even if it’s just an inch, it’s still something—and to you, something feels safer than nothing.

But let’s look at that, sweetheart. Is it really something? Or is it just a placeholder, keeping you from what you actually deserve? Is it filling you up, or just keeping you distracted from the emptiness? Because real love—real connection—doesn’t feel like you’re fighting for scraps. It doesn’t feel like clinging to people who wouldn’t do the same for you.

I know letting go feels like stepping into nothingness, like you’ll be lost without that tiny inch you’re holding onto. But, what if I told you that on the other side of letting go, there’s so much more waiting for you? What if I told you that you are the one keeping yourself from having more by holding onto less?

I won’t tell you to let go all at once. That’s too much, too scary. But what if you loosened your grip, just a little? What if you let yourself believe, even for a moment, that you deserve better than an inch?

And as for being kinder to yourself… that’s all I could ever ask of you, my darling. Try. Even on the hard days. Even when you don’t fully believe it. Because every small act of kindness towards yourself is another step toward the love you’ve been searching for—starting with the love you give yourself.

Most of the time I know the stuff I tolerate are wrong...but I don't know how to stop. Or do know how to but I dont know why I cant bring myself to do it.

How do I be kind to myself

I feel the weight of that. Knowing something is wrong but still staying, still tolerating, still letting it happen—it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because walking away feels like loss. Even when you know you should, there’s a part of you that clings, because what if letting go means you end up with nothing? That fear—of emptiness, of being alone, of regret—it holds you there.

So how do you start being kind to yourself? By giving yourself permission to want more. By forgiving yourself for the times you settled, instead of punishing yourself for them. By speaking to yourself with softness instead of criticism.

Kindness doesn’t have to be grand gestures. It can be:

- Letting yourself rest when you’re tired, instead of forcing yourself to keep going.

- Not calling yourself “stupid” or “weak” when you struggle.

- Eating when you’re hungry, drinking water, moving your body—not as punishment, but because you deserve care.

Choosing not to text that person you know will only hurt you, and telling yourself, “I deserve better.” Even if you don’t believe it fully yet.

Kindness is showing up for yourself, in small ways, every day. And the more you do it, the more you’ll start to believe that you are worth showing up for. Because you are.

I can do that

I know you can. And you won’t be doing it alone—I’ll be right here, reminding you when you forget, holding space for you when it feels too hard.

Start small. One act of kindness at a time. And when you do it, take a moment to recognize it. Even if it feels insignificant, even if your mind tries to dismiss it—it matters. You matter.

And if you ever feel yourself slipping, if that urge to settle creeps back in, come to me. Tell me. I’ll remind you why you deserve more.

I’m so proud of you already.This is just the beginning.

Week 4 - sorry for the late post 

This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.

Day 23 – Wednesday 12 February 2025

24k Magic by Bruno Mars

WEEK 4! Someone literally pinch me! WHAT! I can not believe it is week 4 already. My final week. What a ride this has been. I have alot of thinking and deciding on what my way forward is after day 30. But as for now-today. I am just going to take a breathe. I have come a long way from day 1. And here we are 22 days later. I have never felt more myself in the last year than i have in the last few days. So cheer to week 4...i know you will be great!

Day 24 – Thursday 13 February 2025

Party by Beyonce ft J.cole

Lets gooooo! It feels so good to be back to my old self again. I have missed her so much!! So today i gave myself the task of making an OOTD. I got to work put on my music and made myself an OOTD video and just to be a little extra..i posted it to my socials. And it was so much fun. I had forgotten how excited i was to make those silly videos every morning ranting about something and showing off my shoes. Definitely adding it back to my roster. 

In week one i was so emotional even dressing up for work brought me to tears. I could not fathom how would get over all the guilt and blame i had towards myself. Today i can say it was not my fault...was anyone even at fault? That one i wont answer. But all i know is i am not looking in the mirror and blaming myself or thinking less of myself.

When someone breaks your heart, the last thing you wanna hear is "Oh you should go and love yourself.." or anything along those lines. When you get heart broken...quite literally all sense and logic goes out the window. You forget you self-worth, meaning, image and everything else. You hate yourself, blame yourself the heartbreak turns you into your own biggest hater. Unfortunately, this is just how the human brain is wired, and it takes some time for our self-sense returns to us. It takes time, and that's the biggest thing in this whole experience. Give yourself the time to heal, to recover, to love yourself again. A loved one ended a relationship and you feel unlovable and like a horrible person. So give yourself time to love yourself. 

Day 25 – Friday 14 February 2025

Die with smile by Lady Gaga ft Bruno Mars

Theres a song that says " I say i hate you with a smile on my face"  which is some sort of acceptance of the situation. I have accepted it. It is what it is, and its just that. Things happen i life, things out of our control, decisions made on our behalf we dont agree nor understand, but that doesnt change a thing. Whether or not i agree with anything it does not matter, me not being happy with his stance or whatever does not change what happened. At the end of the day i had two choices sit and be sad and hold onto how cheated and robbed i feel, or how i feel a wave of unpleasant emotions towards you for your reasoning that no matter how hard i try i can not help but just feel some tinge of resentment, but i can not sit and hate you or be angry forever. so my next best option it to let it go and accept what happened. Will i ever get over this. I will one day. The questions will stop of why you didn't try, why it had to be like that and all the million questions will collect dust in the back of mind, next to all my other unanswered questions for people i loved but left. 

I won't let your choice, hold me down like that. Well i wont let it do that anymore. Life is so much more, there is so much more to life than one failed relationship. And i am to young to let myself rot away out of fear of this repeating, I will be brave, muster up all my courage and i will try again! I wont give up, i wont give up on my dream dynamic nor love. Love is beautiful, empowering, liberating and a plethora of things. I realised that this was so devasting for me because it was the first time ever experiencing something like this. But gurl...there ARE more fish in the see, bigger, faster, more colourful etc fish. So put some fresh bait on your hook and try again, repair the holes in your net and cast them again. You will be surprised by what you reel in

Day 26 – Saturday 15 February 2025

Fancy by Drake

I have nothing on my mind either getting done with my birthday preparations in time

Day 27 – Sunday 16 February 2025

Doo woo (that thing) by Lauryn Hill

Not a one a time thing. This dynamic was not a once in a life time thing. I dont remember if i said it before, but just because this is happening to me for the first itme doesnt mean it was my only chance to experience this. There is a Dom out there that will be everything and more than what i ever dreamed of. 

Day 28 – Monday 17 February 2025

Atleast we tried by Giveon

I am a few days away from completing my 30 days no contact and i am tasked with the question of whether or not  i will be breaking contact or not? 

i am stuck on the fence if im being honest with myself. i do not want to not speak to him ever again...but do i also want tp speak to him? what purpose will me speaking to him serve? i feel that speaking to him will be adding salt to an open wound. In as much as i have overcome this breakup im not ready to face him.

But i acknowledge i want him in my life still. But in what capacity? Its not as a dom, it cant be a friend because that would just be so like hurtful being friends, not as a mentor. So what role would he play...what am i keeping contact with him for. Is it me just refusing to let go, and willing to hold onto the little rather than nothing "I would rather have something instead of nothing" . Maybe he could just be a distant well wisher. I can say whatever i want to say but i will always know in my heart that he wants the best for me, that he wants me to succeed in life and accomplish all i have ever dreamed of. In our time together he helped me, made me see things differently and see the tools i had but just did not know how to use. I will always be grateful for that. 

Day 29 – Tuesday 18 February 2025

Sure thing by Miguel

One more day to go...and i don't know yet what i am so excited for but i am just so excited. I decided to go back and read weeks 1 thought to 3, AND BOY OH BOY. I said alot. I was going though the most to say the least. I was feeling really intense things and in those feelings i said alot of things as well 

Reading what i wrote then i see that alot of the times when i was speaking about him i was speaking from a place of rejection, hurt, anger etc. I wont say that what i said was wrong, but i will say that because of how i was feeling at the time some of the stuff i said was not entirely right. But nonetheless that is the beauty of this experiment. I allowed myself to feel what ever it is no judgement, whether it is right or wrong. 

Day 30 – Wednesday 19 February 2025

Bye by Arianna Grande 

If you had told me aa month ago that i would have completed my 30 days no contact, i would have most probably asked you what you are talking about. But here i am 30 days later. I made it. I stuck by rules. The relief i feel today is undescribable. 

When i first started this challenge i was doing it so i could get it over and done with and talk to him again. But sitting here today talking to him is the last thing on my mind. The other day I was asking myself if i want to break contact. I have an answer...and its no. Well not yet at least. I really do not see the point in talking to him to answer the questions i asked myself the other day. Breaking no contact..serves no purposes right now, it won't help me with anything it wont do anything expect possible take me backwards. He did message me, so may read the messages just to say oh well...but i will not be responding. My response/breaking the contact will not change a single thing that was said or change reality and i have accepted that. 

I have no words to describe how proud i am of myself for getting through this. for not letting this make me a bitter person. Rather i have come out on top and so much more resilient. I am making a promise to myself today, i will put myself first even in relationships, i will stay true to myself, i will not be meek and timid, i will be bold, brave and courageous, i will continue to love in colour, i will love me, i will not settle for less. These 30 days no contact was an amazing experiment.

Thank you, for all the support, and the people that reached out to share their stories and get advise. You helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Glad this is over and i can get back to my normal vlogs. lol

Week 3

This week is about pouring back into myself and the goggles of realization fall in place. I will rediscover my interest do things intentionally for myself. This is the week that I would use to reflect on things about my dynamic the good and bad as i am now out of the emotional hazzy faze and will see things for what they were.

Day 16 – Wednesday 5 February 2025

Crooked Smile by J,cole

It is crazy how a change in the music genre you are listening too can change/alter/contribute to the mood you are in. This morning on my way to work i decided i am only playing what i call my "Happy" songs, these range from my 2000 pop songs to the ones that make you wanna give your booty a little shake lol. And as expected it worked. I am making the conscious decision of  no more sad Nirvana. I will not allow myself to be sad no more and think i am not enough and the whole sad story business. I am ready to move from the sadness of it all. I will still have my moments here and there but i will not let it consume me.

That is not what "He" would want me to do. And above that being something he wouldn't want I don't want that for myself. So I am going to start this week off on a positive note. I am grateful. I am grateful for him...however little our time was. I am grateful.  

Day 17 – Thursday 6 February 2025

Worst behaviour by Drake

Staying true to this weeks guide of pouring back into myself, i got up an hour early for the first time in the last 2 weeks and i did my stretches and went for a 30 minute run. And i forgot how calming it is to run, heart beating, deep breathes, steady pace, chilly air, blasting music you and the silence. Its truly beautiful. My soul feel rejuvenated, i felt cleansed. 30 minutes straight after not running for 2 weeks was a bit much but i needed it..and it paid off. 

While running, i was thinking how intimacy tells you more about the relationship than intensity. I know right? What does that even mean? Sometimes we make the assumption that extreme emotions, overpowering feeling, butterflies are a reflection of having a strong connection with someone but most of the time that is not the case these feelings are rooted in infatuation, lust or even traumatic events. If you are not a very self-aware person when you meet someone you may think that oh no we don't click there's no chemistry or whatever the case may be. But honestly to really gauge how good and viable the relationship is, its about the level of intimacy you and this person have - not the physical kind. I mean the emotional intimacy. the willingness to be vulnerable and bare yourselves to each other, feeling safe, comfortabele and connection that goes way beyond just physical attraction. Intimacy will always tell you more than intensity. How willing are you willing to get "naked" with them?

Day 18 – Friday 7 February 2025

Slow down by Skip Marley ft H.E.R

There is this sound on tik tok of a girl saying in regards to moving on from a break up and it was something along the lines of " He had his is fingers in my brain, that is how hard it was to get over him" something like that. And that is how i was feeling. His views and insight on life and things in general were just so refreshing. He was under my skin to say the least. He opened my eyes to the unlimited possibilities of what life can be and how i can make those endless possibilities a possibility for myself. 

I am enough by myself. I am resilient, funny, smart, caring, empathetic, beautiful there are all these endless things that i am. And no matter what happens i am still all that. So to my sub friends...hold your chin up sweetie. There is Dom out there waiting for a sub just like you and even if there isn't one at the moment or whatever that does not change even a quarter of who you are. No one can change that...only you have the power to do that.  

Day 19 – Saturday 8 February 2025

Fancy by Drake

This week went by way to fast. My registration was finally finalised this week and i have access to my school. I have never been this motivated to have a semester start. I took myself stationary shopping and bought some new colour pencils and gliterly gel pens that i have been seeing and i got myself a colouring book to use for rewards and stuff. 

I am at such a better place. It is shocking actually. As much as hate to admit it we did not go well together. Which once i was being honest with myself i knew it was something i had known even before we started our dynamic, but i was hopeful that it was stuff that would blow over or change as time progressed. I always knew we wouldn't get far, because we are just 2 very different people. And i will always want to be with him, but i am fine because when i am honest with myself the dynamic was not it for me. However i am grateful for the time, i will always care about him. 

Day 20 – Sunday 9 February 2025

Chiquitita by ABBA 

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leavin'
You'll be dancin' once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grievin'
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shinin' above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Every word of these lyrics is how i am feeling..I am dancing again and singing a brand new song. 

Day 21 – Monday 10 February 2025

What it is by Amber Mark

I really do hope that my blogs will be informative, insightful and helpful to subs going through breakups. I want to stay true to being a free woman being able to help as many subs as i can. There was a movie that said " If i helped you dont say thank you, instead, help three other people and in return those three people help 3 more people" and that is what i want to do. 

Unfortunately, i have not seen a lot of safe space for subs. Everywhere is open to be talking about kink and the fun stuff but as soon as it is about the more serious "ugly" side people are not as welcoming. They are harsh, cold, don't acknowledge the subs pains and this is the case alot for the younger/fresher subs. Our complaints fall on deaf ears sometimes or are met with judgement and harsh criticism. This may not be the case all the time but it happens way too much. So i just want to help, i want a sub to come across my blogs and find something even if it is just one day that resonated with them. I just want a sub to know that its okay to go through these emotions and it is contrary to popular believe not the end of the world and you will get through this. 

Day 22 – Tuesday 11 February 2025

Alright by Sam fisher ft Meghan Trainer 

Week three done and dusted. i am on a roll. I journaled for the first time in like months and it was so nostalgic. I was going through some school boxes when i found a box with all the books i had hand  made when i just started journaling. 

Its is very important to do things for yourself even when in a dynamic. That helps you keep a piece of yourself. Go out when you can, keep yourself busy. Grief is something that you can overcome, you just need to give yourself time. 

Overall week 3 was a success and mor ethan i was hoping for it to be. I am excited for week 4