Nirvana

Week 2

This week we will be doing Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.

Day 9 – Wednesday 29 January 2025

Nights like this by Kehlani

Break-ups are so crazy. One minute I am crying feeling like i am not enough 5 seconds i feel like the baddest bitch on the set. Like what do you mean, I am her, i am that girl it is his lose anyway. 

That is how i am feeling today. I was sad and in my feels but remembered who i am. I am that girl i am exactly who i think i am. But then i got a case of imposter syndrome and i asked myself "WHO AM I?" And i came up with no answer.

Growing up i was never really sure of myself, i was always told what i am or who i should be, I carried that same baggage to my relationships. I was not sure about myself or what i wanted, or i was sure of what i wanted but i never said and felt sad and victimized myself when i had to accept treatment i was not okay with. PSA. I will be making a list of my standards, ideal dynamic, what i want etc. and i will be standing on business. 

And that is what landed me in this very spot.

Day 10 – Thursday 30 January 2025

Dear Santa by Onerepublic

I am like at such a lose for words omg.So, I am a very optimistic person, like very, and just an over all sunshine and rainbows type of person. But right now...eish ja neh it has taken annual leave. I may misquote this because i cant go back to our chats as per my rules. But he said something along the lines of how " Hope is not a strategy" to give it more context i was saying how i felt he has taken the easy way out and how we could work out if he just gave us the chance, and that statement was part of his response and that is the part that has stayed with me. 

i just can not shake it. Like what does that mean. Why not. hope is not a strategy its it the belief that things will change, hope is a common human trait. Hope is such an important thing. I feel like a kid that has just found out santa is not real. Like i just feel so deflated when i think of that. As an overly empathetic person i am sad for him. Being logical and realistic is all good and dandy but when such sentences are your way of reasoning things out...i feel you need to take a step back and look at things differently. I may be wrong because i always go with my heart 100%. Please feel welcome to correct me.           

Day 11– Friday 31 January 2025

Slipping through my fingers by ABBA 

How do you move on, continuing on what i said yesterday...it lead me to think about love and relationships. After a terrible break up how do you get to the point were you decide to to try again, to give love another shot. How do you bring yourself to try again. I know the answer is along the lines of HOPE. But like how? From which universe do you summon the courage from to try again knowing that you could end up in the very same place as before. Why would you willing put yourself through that. 

i always used to look at the people that would say "oh i am going to be single forever to protect myself" and think their cowards. But now for the first time i see why the do it. Why would i willing open myself just to get hurt again? I feel 10 year old me would be so sad if she knew i was becoming one of them

Day 12 – Saturday 1 February 2025

Alone by Burna Boy

Today went by in a blur. As though i was on autopilot. It is way past my bed time and i am sitting here trying to think and ask myself how i am, how i am feeling, what where my thought for the day and i come up blank...i have nothing at all. 

Day 13 – Sunday 2 February 2025

Marvin's Room by Drake

What can i say either than grief is a pain in the butt. I am so angry and hurt. He explained his thoughts and all that stuff to me, and i understand what he said but i cannot agree. Which each person to their own and all that. But NO! 

How do i just take that, this all feels so cinematic, when i play back the whole conversation the scene playing in my mind is so pathetic and sad, mainly all on my side that is. We are close up in the face a girl as she is  screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, begging, pleading, trying to reason, to say something that will strike a chord change the course of time when we zoom out of her face and turn around to see who she was talking, who is it that she is trying to convince. Its a wall. All of that screaming, crying and begging she was doing was at a wall. But the wall is not moving, it is not even listening to her. The wall made up its mind nothing she can say will make the wall move. After all it is a wall. Its held together by the finest cement, built on the strongest foundation and quality steel beams. Nothing this little girl will say or do can make the wall move.I was her...i was that girl. I am that girl. I am sitting here asking myself what i did wrong...could i have said something, done something different. I am loosing my mind. I have 

I have never felt enough no matter what i have done in life. And this felt like life proving me right. Like she is laughing in my face saying " You did all that and not even a grain of cement moved" 

Day 14 – Monday 3 February 2025

Audio hug by Summer walker ft J cole

Today could not have gone any worse. I lost my lunch bag this morning on the bus to work and i had pizza. I was so angry when i realised it. Another bad day i guess. 

I am realising that my biggest hurdle that i am at right now is convincing myself that i will get the chance to experience the things i never got to do with him with someone else. But it is so hard for me right now because he was the first Dom that I saw doing all the things and so much more with. And to just be dropped at the doorstep of all of that is a hard reality. I keep getting told that i will experience everything i imagined with someone more willing to put in the work, time and effort, but thats not the problem. My thing is I didnt want to experience those things with someone else i wanted to do those things with HIM. Now i wont i never will, its him i have been wanting, preparing and everything for. Everything down to the T i have thought of with him in mind. Would he like me like this? Should i rather do it like this? I have spent the last 6 months for the lack of better word grooming myself for him, preparing myself and my submission as an offering to him, to place at his feet. I have taken his lessons , his teachings, his life views  everything single thing and buried them in the deepest parts of my soul and became that. I bared myself to him and instead of acceptance i was rejected. 

I am angry with myself i am angry with him. I am just like angry. I know my views and feelings will change. the lense will clear an i will see things clearly but right now today i am angry. Angry because i do not feel enough, angry because he just gave up. I am just angry.

Day 15 – Tuesday 4 February 2025

Knowing me, Knowing you by ABBA 

The last few days to say the last few days has been one hell of ride. But to sum it up. I have been feeling worse and worse than I did in the first 3 days of my no contact. Each day i felt myself sink deeper into this deep state of sadness. And the first few days I was i just thought it was myself missing him and just the awful feelings that come with a break-up. I wont lie i was frustrated with myself, because week one was a walk in the park and i was fine but this week i have been hit by a bus. But then i realised why i could be feeling like this. 

Loneliness! 

 I am about to be very forth coming so please..we listen and we don't judge lol. These feeling of sadness i have been feeling is my loneliness.  I sat down with myself and got to thinking why I am struggling so much and it was because i have no one. When i say no one i mean someone talking to me that could lead to a relationship. During week one i was talking to multiple people. So the gap of not having my Dom to give random Dailly updates was filled. But then they just dwindled and fell away and i was left to myself. 

My phone was silent, and thats where it started. This past week i have realised a bad habit or a toxic trait rather, is that I have never been by myself. I have hoped from one dynamic to another then to a relationship then to a talking stage then to a situationship. And i have never been lonely because i have always had a place holder to fill that gap that the previous relationship let. But that gap has gotten bigger over time. But i want to break that pattern and i will. What i do is not a healthy habit at all to have...and i feel so angry with myself when i think of what this trait ties back to about me as a person and how i value myself and a whole lot of other things. But i will be easy on myself...or atleast try to. There men and woman twice my age dealing with the same thing so i will be kinder. 


hopefully week 3 will be better lol

Week 1

There was one more rule that I forgot, which is very important. Have a support system!!! Or an accountability partner!!! What ever you want to call them does not matter. But you need someone or more that know what you are going through and know you are doing the 30 days no contact. They will check up on you make sure you are eating, getting out of bed, give you unsolicited advise and most importantly be your shoulder to cry on

Day 1 – 21 January 2025

Out of love by Alessia Cara

Today was extremely hard. I woke up this morning and I was fine or so I thought, there was no aching feeling in my chest and I would say I got at least 5 hours of sleep which is much progress than the 3-eish of the day before. But as soon as I got to work and sat in my chair I was hit by a wave of emotions and I just started crying. Which shocked me because I made the deliberate decision to listen to my upbeat music and skip any sad songs on my playlist the whole way to work.

I was so angry with myself for still crying so much, and on the peak of my crying a friend messaged me and I couldn’t hold it. I called him and broke down crying, mind you this was now the third person I had cried too. He listened to my jumbled sentences and stayed silent as I tried to catch my breath and counted for me to breath in and out and was understanding as I aired out my frustrations with myself for still crying so much and as I called myself a baby and reprimanded me when I said I was stupid and dumb for feeling like this. He reminded me it’s only been 3 days since my Dom ended things I need to be more understanding of myself.

He gently reminded me that I should freshen up before I try and start doing some work. But before he ended our call, he said to me “This is not you. Do not let this hurt that you are feeling turn you into something you are not my love. You are funny, caring, kind and such a bubbly person. Do not do yourself an injustice and lose yourself in this maze of pain” and those words stuck with me for the rest of the day. I did as he said and pulled myself together and had a rather productive day at work. As lunchtime approached, he messaged to check if I had eaten something and my response was no. Honestly speaking I hadn’t had an appetite the last few days, I wasn’t in the mood to eat and my body was clearly not hungry either, because the usual signs where not there no growling or it being sore. But then I remembered what he had said, and I ate something. Now it was an actual meal, it was a muffin and a slice of peanut butter and butter bread. Now I know it’s not the best but it’s a big leap from a single rice cake or just a cup of tea. So, I will take that.

Day 2 – 22 January 2025

Blue by Billie Eilish

HE MESSAGED ME!!! This is not a drill people. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I woke up this morning to a text from him and boy was I sweating bullets. By default, the first thing I did as soon as I woke up, I reached for my phone and went into WhatsApp as usual. And that is when I noticed that my messages went up by 1 and I knew it was him.

When they say curiosity killed the cat, I can finally relate to the cat lol. I was soooo confused and going through the most emotionally. At first I was like omg I can’t not respond for the next 30 days that is so mean of me, to thinking how I will give my phone to my cousin so she can read the message and respond on my behalf, to me thinking that what if this message is him saying he regrets it he has changed his mind, to just simply curiosity to what it is he had said. #we were supposed to talk about my response and some points I had made. But after talking to my support system, she and he made me realize. So, I stayed strong in my resolve and said I will read them when I am done with my 30 days.

Let’s see if I can try not to reach for my phone first thing in the morning??

Day 3– 23 January 2025

Your Power by Billie Eilish

I have first, second, third and ALL the degrees of embarrassment. Grief is a messy thing. I am just remembering how I was the Sunday which was the evening things were ended. I was keeping it together and my mom called everyone to the lounge to have like our evening prayer where everyone comes with a scripture, and we share the word. Everything was fine until it was my turn.  And it was at that moment that moment that my tears decided to make their grand entrance.

My mom being the angel, she is excused us and took me to the room where I proceeded to cry and whale. And she just hugged me and let me cry, in between she tried to get me to drink water and take my asthma pump. She never asked me why I was crying or anything but I know she knew it was about a boy and she just said to me while rubbing my back “What is yours will always be yours no matter what, even if it leaves it will come back and if it doesn’t come back then you will know that it was never yours to begin with”

The next day I had to put on my brave face and head to work, and boy oh boy was that a challenge. I am fashion girl through and through but that day I wore pumps!!! A few tears were shed on the bus. But the kicker was when I got to work, I greeted the cleaner that was in the hallway as usual unlocked the office and went inside. As I sat down at my chair my chin trembled and the waterworks were back in full swing including the sound effects lol. So much so that the cleaner rushed in to check on me when she heard me crying, she stayed with me for like 5 minutes before she left. But damn the awkwardness when she came to clean was comical. lol

I will never allow this to happen to myself ever again.

Day 4– 24 January 2025

Prince Ali - Aladin

“Prince Ali, amorous he, Ali Ababwa Heard your princess was hot! Where is she?” She is here! Today was a good day, I dressed up and I felt good. I do understand that how I feel today may not how I feel tomorrow. But I have decided to handle my emotions as they come if I am sad today let it be, if I am angry let it be if I am feeling like the baddest b then so be it.

I realised something between last night and  this which is... In a nutshell, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, liking someone is not enough. And with that being said let the weekend begin. I have my first ever bdsm party tomorrow and I can not wait. I don’t know what to wear though

Day 5– 25 January 2025

Espresso by Sabrina Carpenta

Today was amazing. Life can be life even after someone's departure…life is for the living. It felt so good to put myself out there. I had so much fun everyone was supper friendly as well. I think I might want to go to the next one.

It was however a slap on the wrist, I saw how all these doms were with their subs and I thought ugh man that could have been meeee. But you know what we will not dwell on it. Just because I never got to do it with him doesn’t mean I will never get to experience it.

So with that being said I am off to bed because my smart self, chose to wear heels.

Day 6– 26 January 2025

Pretty wings by Maxwell

Sleeping in has never felt better. I stayed in bed rotting for most of the bed listening to music, reading my book and just sitting in my thoughts.

Do I think these 30 days is enough???Kinda, I think its enough time for moving on from the break up but I do not think it is enough time for me. Meaning that these 30 days was soley focused on recovering from a breakup…but that is not were it should end. I feel like I need time for me…I feel like I have made myself fit the mold of my partner whether it be vanilla or bdsm wise. They have told me their “type” and I have tried to become that, whether that be good or bad. I want to be my own mold. I want to forget whatever it is that everyone else says they want and all that. And be my own standard. With this break up I realized that he did not settle. However he or I put without playing the blame game..there was something about me he simply did not want …and he was not going to settle for anything less than his ideal sub.

I am still sad about it though…but it wont kill me. At the end of the day the day will end

Day 7– 27 January 2025

My own by H.E.R

I was still on the same wave as yesterday but went further and I see a pattern of an unrealistic high standard I hold myself to.

Older men! One thing I am not shy about is my interest for older men. I have always been interested and more attracted to a guy simply because he was significantly older than me, whether it be 6 years or even double my age. And for some reason the older men have been drawn to me as well.

And it is always so gut wrenching when things end because it has left me feeling like I’m not what they want, or I’m not good enough xyz. But it is just dawning on me…I AM 20. (turning 21 on 21 feb *keep the date in mind lol*) but omg I’m 20 and was even younger than that in previous relationships/dynamics.

These men that are x amount of years older than me have had x amount of years extra than me to find themselves, to explore, to realize what they want in life, how their future will look etc. While I was still in primary school- middle school they were in university or getting their first job or loosing their virginity to some hot university chick or what ever where as I was stressing over 5th grade math’s.

We have 2 different developmental timelines and I need to keep that in mind. So I at 20 can not  expect to be his dreamgirl at xyz age because I just have not had the time to get there in life. Maybe I will be his dream girl at 25 or whatever and if I am we shall meet again. So let this is a moment of reckoning for all the older men/woman loving girls/boys. give yourself the grace to be where you are for your age…they were not rushing themselves at your age to be this everything person. So be kind and don’t do that to yourself

Xoxo Your young big sister mwuah kissy face lol

Day 8– 28 January 2025

Back on 74 by Jungle

What a week. Ups and downs….today is my last emotional day because from day 9 “You gotta get on your zoom at 10!”

I have read back on the stuff I have written and I would like to say we are making progress. Our brain is processing things, we are having good thoughts, we are thinking. Which is all good, I am not shying away from my feelings or ignoring them. I am taking them as they come. So cheers to week 1 of 4. We made it, we cried, we were angry, we laughed we are breathing. So that in itself is progress. Do I still think of him absolutely but that is fine I Loved, cared about him deeply and always will, but he does not need to be part of my life for me to still love and care about him. But we are moving forward still. Like he says “We move”

Or like from finding Nemo “ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming” heres to the next 22 days

Xoxo Gossip girls

Free will is an amazing thing. So i took myself to my first ever BDSM event. 

This year I told myself that i really want to put in the work and put myself in BDSM spaces. So i did. I found an event not too far from my place and i signed up. I was supposed to be going with someone but never got too. And almost did not go because i was scared to go by myself. But put on my big girl panties and i got ready got in the uber and went. 

A few minutes before arriving i had all these crazy thoughts being the dramatic person I am. I thought "Omg what am i doing, i am going to be killed, they will sacrifice me, i will be human trafficked" lol. I arrived and i was let in and it was my best decision i have made. IT WAS AMAZING. From how accepting and friendly everyone waas, to the conversations, to the play rooms. it was amazing to say the least. 

It was really just such a beautiful sight to see the Doms interacting with their Subs. How the Doms handled their subs when they were in their sub space which was such a bitter sweet for me. None the less. It was beautiful

I can now fully say i am a bondage girl or what they call call a rope bunny...there was a rope master there. And the level of intimacy and intensity when he was tying his subjects was breath taking. It was so intricate, he touched them with such delicacy and care. We had our own moment where there was this unspoken connection. He even guided me on how to tie someone up and he gave her to me and i "played" with her for the rest of the evening. 

i don't know what it was, but i slipped into subspace. It was so peaceful, i was really giddy, and just like hazzy and my speech was slurred? But i really enjoyed myself. they have an event on last saturday of each month. and i hope to attend all of them

Can i go into subspace without being dommed?

Deep sighs, frowning eyebrows, eyes distant and tense shoulders...that was how he had been for the last few days. Everyday worse than the day before. He never said a word to her or gave her any sign of telling her anything anytime soon.

Dinner being the one time they used as a debrief  to catch up on the days event, she was still optimistic and hoping to say something that would get more than a nod or a half-smile as a response,she was overly chatty as if carrying the conversation for both of them. She would ask questions about his day, how work was or what silly thing his annoying co-worker had said that day. However she was met with only short answers, so eventually her questions stopped. As she thought them to be pointless, she began to feel as though she was being a bother and ended up feeling like she was talking to herself.

So it begun, the once chatty dining room was now wrapped in silence, the only sound was the cutlery scraping the plates. Him playing with his food in between bites and her eating her food as if being chased, leaving as soon as the last bite was in her mouth. She was not angry with him, rather she understood him. She understood everything his silence said. She just wished he would talk to her, allow her the chance to be there for him, to listen to his problems the same way he had done for her...she just wanted the chance to be... his solace...

When he returned home much later than his usual time, he walked into the dinning room to find her asleep. The table was still set up both plates covered. His heart ached at the sight and he realised it was not fair to keep her in the dark the way he had been the last weeks. He walked up to her pulling out a chair next hers, sat down and gently rubbed her back to wake her up. She woke up taking in her surroundings and her eyes met his and sighed with relief jumping into his arms giving him a hun "i was so worried. i thought something terrible had happened you were not answering any of my calls...are you okay? did you get hurt?" she said stumbling over her words moving back to inspect him. "I am fine, I did not get hurt or anything like that, i just had some work to do. I am sorry for not answering your calls" he said as he stroked her cheek, he could see the turmoil building in her eyes...he would feel better if she would yell or shout at him but she didn't she just accepted it and that made him feel even worse.

"I am sorry i have been the way i have been these past weeks, and shutting you out the way i have. It just feels all so foreign to me...how am I supposed to be in charge of you and your life and add stability to your life when i am not in control of mine at the moment?" ..staring down at their intertwined fingers he felt a weight lift of his shoulder after saying what has been keeping him up all this time. She finally understood, she got up out of her chair and knelt between his legs, using her free hand to stroke his face, she looked up at him with a knowing smile on her face.

"Daddy you are human too. You will also have your challenging days but that doesn't make you less of a daddy over me, its at this time were you get to see the fruits of your labour pay off. You should never feel like you you  are less of a Dom because life is hard for you...i understand it's easy for me to say that, but it's true. You are a good Daddy and person and no hard patch in life can ever  take that away from you." ...."I want you to find solace that you have taught me well enough to implement all your teachings on your behalf. Daddys need to be taken care of sometimes too...i just wish you could have given me the chance to take care of you the same way you do for me everyday" she said as she grab his face with both her hands and brought his face closer for a kiss...

"It has been declared!!" she jumped to her feet with a mischievous grin "...that Daddy will be allow me take care however i see fit." following suit he rose to his feet holding her by her waist " when did my baby get so clever hmm" he said as he placed a kiss on her forehead " It's all credit to my amazing Daddy. I just wanna be there for your...i know may not be able to actually help you but i can try...i want you to come home and know that amidst all the chaos there is a piece of peace at home waiting for you, a place of solace...me....i want to be your solace"

So, this is going to be a very revealing couple of blogs. Long story short my Dom ended our dynamic. Sad right? Actually, it’s more than sad but we will get into those emotions in a bit.

On my profile I mentioned something I learned while studying psychology. So, with that in mind, I remembered there was a module that was covered about  grief and what happens to the brain with the nervous system and all it goes through during the grieving process which I will try and give a brief explanation on. At the end of that, it was studied and proven by professors, therapist and psychologists that if a person going through grief took 30 days straight they would be able to 1 get back to day to day living faster and have a healthier coping mechanism.

So basically what happens when someone  is grieving their nervous system shuts down. In simply terms the person that is grieving had a relationship with the diseased, they had things they did together or did for each other so on so forth. Now, with that person gone the nervous system shuts down because there was a routine formed in their brain associated with that specific person. They had programmed themselves to do all these things that formed a pattern in their brain. This person now has to unprogramm/unlearn and rewire all the things that they did, all the morning texts, the voice memos they would send and any materialistic things they had of them now need to be put away for the duration of the 30 days. This is because all those actions/items are attached to that person. But buy the end of the 30 days those things will be done for different reasons and the diseased  will no longer be the only memory attached to that action thus making it easier for the person to go on with life. This also ties in with different attachment styles but that is an entirely different rabbit hole. This is just a scrapping the surface type of explanation.

So I am going to be my own guineapig  and doing all that stuff for a person that is not dead but chose to leave my life. I am going to unlearn and rewire my nervous system to help me heal, accept and move on from my failed dynamic. And I will journal all of it here for everyone to see. As much as I would like to go through this behind closed doors, I thought of the subs that go through break-ups and don’t know how to move on, heal, forgive themselves and eventually try again.  So if I can give them the tools that would help with all that why not especially if it something I am trying for myself.

So this is a break down of my take on 30 days no contact:

My rules

·        No contact – I will not message/call him nor will I answer any of his messages/calls which i doubt he would do.

·        No stalking – I will not being going to check any of his social media accounts or reading any new things he may post. In the even that i do           stumble upon his pages i will scroll. 

·        No looking at pictures – I will not go and look at his pictures and I will change any wallpapers with his pictures

·        Chat archived – I have archived his chat and I will not go into our chat to read our chats or play his voice notes

30 Day breakdown:

I have divided my 30 days into 4 weeks. Each week I will be focusing on a new aspect of the healing process. I will journal each day as I go, any challenges I had that day, how I  was feeling or any thoughts I had that day will be journaled. At the end of the each week I might write a separate blog, it could be a writing piece or just thoughts I did not no include in my daily brief for whatever reason

Week 1: 8 days

Grieving – allowing myself to grieve. I am grieving for someone that is alive. My Dom chose to take himself out of my life and I must deal with that. I will give myself the grace to feel whatever emotions and  I will not bottle them up. I will let myself cry, feel the pain, the rejection, the self-doubt, the anger all of it. Because it is by letting myself go through the rollercoaster of emotions that I can move on. I will also be coping with the withdrawal symptoms of not having a Dom anymore, no one to report to in the mornings when I wake up. all the little things i would do with my Dom in mind, or my favorite OOTD videos i would make for him etc.

Week 2: 7 days

Actions of self-acceptance and self-reflecting. Digging into why I am the way I am, where does everything stem from as well as things in the dynamic from my dynamic whether good or bad.

Week 3: 7 days

Pouring back into myself and the goggles of realization fall in place. I will rediscover my interest do things intentionally for myself. This is the week that I would use to reflect on things about my dynamic the good and bad as i am no out of the emotional hazzy faze and will see things for what they were.

Week 4: 8 days

This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.

So come along with me as challenge myself to face my emotions and try my level best not to blame myself for the end of my

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

He grabbed my hair again and pulled it making me stand up and licked my lips. He used his belt to restrain my hands and then he shoved me onto the bed. He pulled my top down releasing my breast and yanked my shorts off and held my thighs open. I tried kicking him off and closing my legs. But he used his right leg to hold my left thigh down and his left hand to hold my right thigh down and with his free hand he smacked my pussy.

He rubbed my clit before he roughly shoved two fingers inside my pussy. Letting out a loud moan I felt myself clench around his fingers as he fucked my harder going past my g-spot. I was writhing and thrusting my hips up to meet his fingers and he chuckled as he went harder faster. Letting out an even louder moan and I felt myself reach my climax squirting all over us.

Coming down for my high I felt a sense of embarrassment that I enjoyed myself but before I could feel anymore embarrassment, I was overtaken by the sensation of him slipping his cock into my needy cunt and I was pushed over the edge once more. I was clenching around him, my gasps, his grunting and the sounds of our skin slapping together combined with crackling of the burning wood were the only sounds in the cabin.

His thrusts were ruthless, they were deep, hard fast strokes. His grip on my thigh was tight as if he feared I would try and run. If only he knew that I was past trying to run away from him. His strokes became harder, and I could see him holding back, a few moments later he gave one more deep thrust. I could feel his cock pulsating inside me as he released his seed, and that sensation did the trick and I was clenching around him once more as my cum mixed with his.

Reluctantly he pulled himself out and used his tip follow the trail of cum as it slid towards my asshole. For a moment I thought he would do it, that he would slip in there and claim it as his too. But he didn’t, instead he circled the rim and gave a slight nudge. He then bent over and captured my mouth in a kiss while he released my hands from his belt. “I’ll take that one next time” he said as he slipped a finger inside me as if to keep his cum inside me. He put on his pants and left without a single word.

I just laid there blinking at the ceiling wondering if this all was real. Giving up on trying to figure out if I was dreaming or not, I crawled into bed making sure to clench tight to keep his seed inside me. I fell into a peaceful sleep but not before asking myself “Will he come back tomorrow?”

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

Why is he here again? He just stood there not saying a word and I watched as his eyes wandered over my body, first stopping on my chest then traveling down and settling on my legs before he looked back at my eyes, a slight smirk appeared. “Why are you here? Please leave” still he said nothing, he just stood there “Did you come back for your tip?” I asked and he looked as thinking about it “Yes.” Letting out an exasperated sigh I said “You didn’t have to. I was going to leave your tip at reception when I left.” I said as I walked past him. “You can wait here. I will bring your tip outside” I said as I reached the top of the stairs.

Inside I found my purse and got out some cash, but stopped dead in my tracks when I felt his hand rub up my arm and he licked my exposed shoulder “Did you do all this for me, hoping I would come back and find you like this huh?” turning around I pushed him. “What are you doing! Get out right now before I call the reception!” I said as I begun stepping back “I never said I worked here darling, but I do remember saying how I don’t take no for an answer” … “ So come here yourself unless you want me to be rough”… “ okay I am sorry, I won’t call anyone. Please, please just leave, you can take whatever you want”

He took a quick step forward grabbing me by my throat “I want you” he said close to my ear. My heart was beating so hard I could feel the throbbing in my ears “Please..” was all I could get out. He chuckled “Giving up so soon” he said as he tried to put his hand between my legs, but I closed them before his hand could go far. “You think that is going to stop me? Guess you don’t want the nice version then.”

With force he shoved me to my knees and tightly gripped my hair while his other hand unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his pants, unzipped them and shoved them down making a puddle at his feet. “Open!” I shook my head, and he answered that with a slap…with a gasp a held my cheek “I don’t like repeating myself”. I just dropped my arms to my side. Why am I not fighting back? I opened and he didn’t wait before he shoved his cock in my mouth causing me to immediately gag from how far he went.

Raising my hands to his thighs I try and push him off but to no avail “The harder you fight the harder I go” he pulled himself out to let me catch my breath and slid back into my mouth all the way back again and kept himself there. I felt myself trying to gag and I felt the tears run down my cheeks. “Relax princess…you still have a long way to go” he said mockingly as he used his grip on my head as leverage to move my head up and down his cock in no time he was fucking my face relentlessly.

I had saliva on my chin going down neck. After what felt like forever I felt him tense and shove his cock to the back of my throat as he released his seed down my throat. What couldn’t go down my throat made its way out from the sides of my lips. He kept himself there until he felt me swallow his seed, he thrusted a few more times before he let go of my head as he stepped out of his pants and picked up his belt. I bent over spitting out whatever was left over in my mouth and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

TRIGGER WARNING: CNC

Windows down, breeze strong, sun high. This is everything I hoped it to be. I finally decided to take myself on a long overdue weekend away to a cabin on the outskirts of town. As a approached the main lobby, I was speechless at how beautiful the scenery was. I could already feel weeks of tension ease off me, and I knew I had made the right decision.

Walking to the reception I set my bag down on the desk saying “Hi there, booking in for the self-catering Isolated cabin for one” …” Yes Miss, your cabin is ready. As requested you got the furthest cabin we have on the plot, it’s about a 10 -15-minute drive away but we do have a phone in the cabin for your convenience. Enjoy your weekend” the receptionist said as she handed me the key “Thank you.”

The drive to the cabin was a peaceful one, and the sun was beginning to as I reached the cabin. My cabin was straight out of a magazine it had a fireplace already lit and stocked with wood, the bed was big, a cute kitchen tucked in the corner and a surprisingly well sized bathroom.

I headed back outside to bring all my stuff inside, opening my boot I remembered just how much I brought. Why did I bring such a big suitcase when I’m spending the whole weekend inside. Unpacking everything I close my boot, and a man is standing there. “Hi, can I help you?” … “You look like you are the one that needs the help pretty lady. Let me give you a hand” the way he said pretty lady and was just standing there was …unsettling. Why is he even here “No thank you I can manage” I said attempting to pick up on of the bags “I don’t take no for an answer” he said as he walked towards me and took my suitcase and some of my other bags.

Picking up the grocery bags I walked behind him “You didn’t have too I would have managed. But thanks, I guess” I said trying to ease the growing tension. He dropped all my stuff in the center of the cabin and made way for me to pass him. “um..if you can give me a few seconds to find my purse I will give you your tip” I said as turned my back on him to put the things in my hands down. When I turned around he was gone..this man is a creep. But anyway, now I can really relax.

Slipping my dress off I ran myself a hot bath an hour later I stepped out of a steamy bathroom my skin care done, body moisturized and oiled up and lastly wearing my newest hello kitty pjs - a spaghetti strap tank top and botty shorts. Now I can unwind play some good music eat good food and drink good wine I thought to myself as I looked for my speaker. I think I left it in the car. Quickly rushing to the car to get it. On my way back he was there…standing at the foot of the steps.

I would like to think that we women have a super power or 7th sense if you could say which is....premature grief.

It is often discussed that women grief something long before it actually happens. This is usually in context to relationships. When a man and woman break up they man often says..."When I was breaking up with her...she showed no emotion. Like she expected it" that is because she did.

Months, weeks, days or even hours before she was on the phone or alone in her room balling her eyes out, loosing her mind about "The feeling". That heart wrenching ache, unsettled stomach feeling. Medical personal have told stories of how their patient behaved besides themselves the day and hours leading up to their death. As if they knew they were dying. 

That is the feeling woman feel...we feel the death of relationships. Sometimes we know which relationship sometimes we don't. And I feel as though I ignored my grief....I had  a week where I just felt a sense of impending doom but I ignored it thinking I was just sick. Today that feeling has come back 10 fold and i am gutted. The thought of having to let go of a relationship that is so dear is heart wrenching.  

Letting go is hard but I have learnt when you understand that not everyone will be in your life forever and that you should rather think of the beautiful memories made and time spent together rather than the fact that the relationship ended it is easier to let go.

So here's to 2025 the year i learn to let go...Salute!

i would like to start this off by saying thank you. Thank to all the people that took the time to inbox me and gives me words of encouragement. they are much appreciated. Everyone grieves differently, and it is important to "read the room". I know the guilt i felt is not logical...as well as the regret. But that is still how i felt, and right now that is not what i need to hear, i know that already. 

So last night after posting my blog i made my way and found it hard to sleep, i was just restless so i was just thinking about everything and her. and response i a got from a Dom that shared his wife/sub that recently passed away (i got his permission to include this in my blog). He told me how he too blamed himself and felt all levels of regret and found it so hard to grieve. But with time he found it easier to grieve if he would remember the person she was. and when i did that i was able to sleep better.

Today was her memorial service. And just to give some insight memorials/funerals are a big part of South African and African culture. When someone passes away and their body has been given to the family the body is taken to their home and kept either in the main room where everyone is sitting or in a separate room . All "comfortable"  furniture like couches, chairs, the TV and the beds, well they leave one mattress  for the close family to sit on, and  then plastic chairs are brought for the men to sit on while the woman sit on the floor. This is said that it is to give the living a glimpse of the pain of the person that has passed away. The woman must tie their hair with a scarf and wrap a towel/sheet around their waist, and another scarf around their shoulders. There is usually the pastor of the from the church they attended as well as other members from the church, their friends and family and neighbors attend. The pastor preaches, and certain people are allowed to speak, we sing mourning songs, cry and donate money/food and when it alll said and done juice/tea and scones are served and you leave. 

That is what we did for my dear friend. And it was so heartwarming to see the amount of people that showed up for her service. the house was packed and the street was packed from all the cars. It just goes to show the beautiful of person she was. 

i spent most of my time with her kids, when i saw them yesterday they were all so angry and fighting with each other which is understandable. But today they were different, they were comforted by the turn out. We sat outside in the garden and i told them about their mom, we laughed we cried. And it was beautiful. i felt a piece of my heart come back together. Obviously the are still saddened by it all but one of them said to me i can see how you are pushing through this and it is giving me the strength to do the same. And that is all i could ever hope for. 

She would want us to be happy to laugh to dance to her favourite songs and be happy. She was not a sad person. she lived a bright vibrant life. And in honour of that we will carry it on. There will be times when there are hard days but i will to my best to live up to your memory my friend. 

Oh my dear friend, you will be missed. You touched me in ways i never got to tell you. but one day when we meet again i will tell you. but until then i will keep your memories close...I love you. Rest easy my friend.