Nirvana

[TW: Sexual assault] i am on a roll with these trigger warnings today (i am trying to find some humour- apologies if it was corny) 

Hm Hm Taday drained me - its a tiktok reference and is absolutely hilarious.

one would think that after the news of my friend i would get it easy the rest of the day...but boy was i wrong.

So in our line like every line of work there are those annoying sales reps that would advertise the sun if they could. 

But this sales rep was different lets call her Ela. Ela is so sweet she has been trying to have a meeting with my boss for the last 2 months but something has come up and either end up canceling. One of the meetings were booked on her birthday and she said she would come with some cake for us but she had to cancel last minute the next day she sent a full cake. 

So Ela had a meeting booked with my boss 2 weeks ago but missed it and when i would call she wasnt answering so i just said oh well and left it at that. this morning she walked in and i could tell she was not herself. She began to apologize profusely. how sorry she is that she missed her appointment. and i kept reassuring her that it was fine and i can book an appointment for her. 

she then began to explain that  she has some personal stuff going on but it isnt something you can just discuss. that she is not even supposed to be at work but she just needs to be out of the house. so i didnt ask her what it was. she gave me calendars and was on her way out but she was still talking and lingering around like she wasnt ready to leave, and she kept repeating the same thing that it is personal and all that. so i said everything will work out itself eventually. and its like that hit a nerve cz she broke down crying. so i grabbed my tissues went to the other side of the counter and directed her towards the chairs. and she sobbed and said "this is not something that will ever work out" 

i kept quite and let her talk and she said everything feels like a lie. she found out that her partner of 17 years has been sexual assulting her daughter since she was 12 years old....her daughter is now 17. And she only found out 2 weeks ago. and i let her explain the rest. and it was such a surreal moment for us both. we were holding each others hands and crying together, and i dont know why but in that moment i thought i should share something with her.

And i told her that the same thing happened to me with my brother in law and i never really told my mom. and i explained our point of view, how its scary and terrifying, scared of the judgement scared of not being believed scared of how it would affect everyone around us. so we stay silent and sacrifice ourselves. it was such a vulnerable moment and in that moment i saw she understood her daughters sillence even though she did not agree with it and i saw how sometimes keeping quite is worse than speaking out. 

it was worth it reliving it all for her to understand, but after it was hard once we gathered ourselves sat in silence for a bit and said goodbye. and i was btt myself. then it hit me. i was so anxious and in such a dark place...i was having flashbacks of the things he had done and said to me. and i felt like i was transported back in time to the time it first happened. and it felt so real. i would try snapping out of it but my mind wonder and i would be right back there in that kitchen in the middle of the night when it all started. 

i have not healed from it all, i have not moved on i have not grown up from it. i have just shrugged my shoulders and said oh well. even when talking to people i would dismiss their concern and worries and be like meh its not that big of deal. but it is...and i have not gotten over it. 

but i do not want to have to relive all that...but i cant live in fear. it will always be there in the back of my mind this makes me think of wildflower by billie eillsih. but i dont know how too. what do i even do where do i start...but i know it is something i need to do cz i cannot live like this. 

i am a scarred to, i have tihs weird fear that going through it will make me a bttier person i do not want to admitt that it has affected me that much...but it has and not doing anything makes it worse...but where do i start?

[ TW: Death]

Since this morning i have been going through my day as if on autopilot just in utter shock.

Today on my way to work i received a message from a family friend that stayed in the same complex as me that my neighbor died...but she did not just die. She was killed...she was shot in the head...9 times on tuesday evening....TODAY IS THURSDAY...... She was on her way to collect her an outfit she got made for her for her end of year party at work and on her way she was attacked by the savages that did such a terrible thing to her. the worst part is we will never know how it all played out..unless obviously the perpetrators are caught and they confess. 

She wasn't just a neighbor she was a dear friend, she watched me grow up. She saw me from the young girl that was still in primary school in her school uniform to the woman that i am today. We spent alot of time together i would often go to her place to cook and hang out. and despite the huge age gap we connected. 

the kicker of it all is that i was supposed to  be with her that evening. She asked me to go with her to go fetch her outfit and i agreed but last minute there was a complex and i couldnt miss it as i am part off "leaders" in the complex. The meeting was only supposed to take 10 minutes but its was 18h30 and the meeting had not yet even started..so i told her to leave and that she must video call me when she reaches the place. She wasnt too happy about it but left regardless. And we had this thing that whenever the other one could not go with the one would say "you will look back at this day and wish you came with me"...so like clockwork she said that and i responded "ME! NEVER!" and i blew her a kiss as she drove off. and that was the last time i saw her. how i wish i said i love you.

i was so caught up in the things i had to do after the meeting as well as pacifying my boss for taking the day off that she gave me. That i never noticed she never video called me, and i went to bed not knowing that she was already dead. Wednesday came and i said i would call her and scold her for not calling me but i was so caught up in work and the whole uniform thing with my boss that again it slipped my mind. When i came home and didnt see her car parked there i just though she was doing some last minute shopping for the year end party on friday. 

i know there is nothing i can do to change it but my mind can't stop playing tricks on me. i keep thinking and blaming myself for being part of the leaders because had i not been she would not have run late by those 30 minutes. That those 30 minutes would have made the difference between life and death. And it kills me. the mind can be such a crazy and wicked thing. Her picture was posted  on the complex group with a message informing people of her death. 

and though out the day as people would reply to the message i would see her picture- it was a picture i had taken of her on sunday for a dinner she was going to. And everytime i couldnt help but think how scared she must have been, when the first bullet went through, how she must have begged and mentioned that she is a single mother of 4, the fear she must have felt as she realised what was happening and how it would end. oh my dear friend my heart is shattered. it is hard to breath, i have no strength to speak to eat. i am just floored. i am in utter disbelief.

9 BULLETS TO THE HEAD!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How can someone do that 9 bullets all to the head...my brain can not process it. i am hoping its a terrible dream that i will hear her in her car driving past my house, with all her windows and playing her favorite song Loyalty by Kendrik Lamar full blast.

i am utter distraught...but i am trying to comfort myself with the thought that she is in a better place...

This a raw unedited post of how i am feeling in the moment. I may delete it later but i just wanted to write and post it. 

I am currently feeling like I am back at square one. I find it really hard acknowledging that I have fallen back into a pattern I have been working. It feels embarrassing especially after discussing my progress made. Ironically i am worried for all the wrong reasons....i more worried about what people will think of me and what they think of my relapse. And that to me is really terrifying. 

Today was particularly TOO MUCH for me to handle. My brain is all over the place and i am struggling to pin point or put into words what i am feeling and why...but i just feel off. On one hand i am telling myself that my feelings are valid and i have legit reasons to feel what i am feeling...but on the other hand i am feeling like i am crazy for feeling the way i am feeling like i am overreacting and just looking too much into it. But then i sit back and ask myself WHAT AM I EVEN FEELING? and i do not have an answer and it is driving me the wall. All i know is that i feel OFF and i don't like the way i am feeling. 

Does it make me a hypocrite when i change my mind on something I was okay with but now i am not okay with it??? Does it mean i go back on my word?? Do i have double standards??? what does it even mean.  Its not that i am not okay with it, i am just not happy with the fine print the T's & C"s of the whole thing. As a whole i am okay with it...but a specific aspect just doesn't sit well with me. Does it mean i don't agree with the whole thing entirely,  i do not think it does but i still feel bad. 

Today i was passive aggressively body shamed by my boss for the 3rd time in the span of 3 weeks. And everyone is telling me to ignore it and justifying my boss. But i call it bs...i recently decided to start working out for both  health reasons and to just feel better overall about myself. So it really hit home today, i have always been prone to body shaming but i usually take it all with a pinch of salt. But today was just so much worse for me honestly 

To put it all into perspective my work uniform was delivered today and my boss was not in at the time and asked me to try it on and take pictures which i was okay with until she began to insist that it is tight and proceeded to ask me to take a video moving and stretching the material for her to see. even after the video she insisted it was tight which it was not. She designed the uniforms and before placing the order for my uniform she personally measured me and from there we together determined the size she would order. 

she came in later in the afternoon and i asked her if i should wear the uniform to work tomorrow and she said she is not sure so i suggested i try it on so that she can see in person that it is not tight and i am comfortable in in. i tried it on and went to show her and she was more sold on her idea. She inspected it made me touch my toes, squat and raise my arms and stretch. when that was done she instructed me to turn around so she could see how it looked from the back. and i stood there in utter shock at how she was behaving. i could see the utter judgement and slight disgust on her face as she decided that it is too tight and she would be getting the rest of the uniform but in a size bigger. 

her reasoning is what floored me...she said she is getting the bigger size because my "woman assets" are too big and will draw too much attention and that i am TOO busty so the uniform is tight. i felt so defeated to be honest. because what do you even mean this how i am built...now writing this i am laughing because what on earth,,,mind you she wears the exact same uniform and it is "tight" on her as well. anyway i am over this right now

i am at a crossroad and feeling like not acknowledging my feelings because i am blowing it out of proportion and worried about how my feelings may be viewed and standing my ground on how i feel regardless of them being valid or not. 

I wouldn't say i feel any better after writing this but i feel relieved after getting it off my chest.  

 Need....the raw, feral, sickening, go crazy kind of need. She never felt it...she thought she had felt it. Whenever she said she needed him silly girl, didn't know what she was asking for.

He knew she was not ready. Ready for what she thought needed and until he saw she was, he would not do anything. No matter how much she begged "Please Daddy..i wa-need it so bad Please...". With a smirk he stepped away, she still wasn't ready for what he planned to do her and he wasn't going to do anything a second sooner. As much as he wanted to, he was a man of his word, so he waited. 

She was loosing it, she didn't know what she was doing wrong, they were so close and just when she thought today was the day he'd pull away and leave her there...spread wide everything on display fully bared. But she wasn't fully bared, she may have been laying there fully naked but not naked in the way he wanted her. 

She couldn't take it anymore, she had lost her sleep, he was torturing her in her dreams too, the only place he would give her what she wanted he had begun to betray her there too. She would wake up with a coat of sweat glistened in the reflection of the night, between her legs her desire for him was there stronger than before her scent filling the room, her chest rapidly rising and falling from her trying to catch her breath. Falling back into her bed frustration seeping out at her pores...she was going crazy. She wanted to rip her hair out, scream, shout, cry anything just anything. 

The breeze felt like his breathe, in the dead of the night she would hear him, everytime she closed her eyes he was there...out of arms reach but there nonetheless. It was all she thought about, her breathing was no longer her own, she was breathing for him everything she did.. she did it with him in mind. She finally understood the weight of NEED. He was in her waking thoughts, in her dreams he was there, a looming presence and she felt burden by his lack of presence, days were dragging along, she finally had enough and she sent a single message " Please.". She waited for what felt like years, she knew he would come as soon as she saw that he had read her message.

She sat there ...staring at the door waiting his arrival. Finally the door rattled and she bolted to her feet but unable to move her spot, her feet stuck to the floor, she felt her lips dry up and all the air leave the room as he stepped in and close the door behind him. When he was close enough to her, her body moved towards him in a trance like state. Tears weld up in her eyes as she looked at him, by instinct she feel to her knees, spread them wide hands behind her back head cast down, she was itching to touch him but she just knew that this was what she had to do for him. Her eyes fixed on his shoes, her breathing got ragged waiting for him to do something...anything. 

A smirk appeared on his lips as he stroked her head, she lost it, her tears begun to run free, flowing down her cheeks her body shaking from her tears. Still looking down at his feet, he took her chin in his hand and raised her face, his eyes searched hers. The room seemed to fade away the longer they looked into each other. He wiped one of her tears, she sighed from relief at his touch, closing her eyes she couldn't hold herself back anymore as she raised her hands to hold his arm. 

She opened her eyes and finally spoke " Please...i nee-"  was all she got out before he pulled her to her feet, pulling her into a passionate and she wondered had he been needing him this whole time. That night he showed her just how much he had needed her, the night was filled with her pleas, her moans, her screams, his name, her cries, the sound of skin on skin. It was all in the air. The coming together of two individual. As the night came to an end she still ached for him, her growing bruises were a reminder of need and longing in its truest form. And as she floated off into sleep with him by her side, she was resolute that she will never need anything the way she needed him. 

He was the air she needed to breath and everything she would ever Need...

As subs, littles, or slaves, we often overlook the importance of acknowledging our achievements, both big and small. It’s time we start being kinder to ourselves, giving ourselves credit where it’s due, and celebrating even the simplest wins—like remembering to drink enough water. Each of us has unique strengths and challenges, and what might be a significant achievement for one person could seem minor to another. But that doesn’t make it any less valid. Only you know the effort it took, and that accomplishment is yours alone. So here’s my little piece on recognizing and celebrating my own progress.

For context, my Daddy has been going through a tough few weeks. In the midst of it all, he asked for “space” to manage everything, saying he wouldn’t be as present with me. This was a first for me; even in my vanilla relationships, I’d never been asked for “space.” It took me by surprise, but I agreed because I knew he needed time to work things out.

Despite agreeing, it was a hard adjustment. For the first couple of days, I struggled internally, wrestling with a flood of emotions. But after a talk with a close friend I met here on The Cage, I realized that needing space isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some people just work through things better on their own. With that understanding, I found peace and started to manage things on my own. Sure, I had moments of doubt, but I kept moving forward.

My Daddy has always believed in self-betterment and often tells me, “If I’m hit by a bus tomorrow, I want to know that you’ll be okay and can keep going with everything I’ve taught you.” While the idea terrifies me, I knew he was right, and it became clear that building my own independence was important, whether he was there or not.

So, I decided to use this time to test myself by following the rules and routines my Daddy had set for me, but independently, without his guidance. I won’t lie—it was challenging. I had to hold myself accountable, knowing that slipping up would only impact me and disrupt everything else. Once that reality hit, I put on my big-girl panties and took my routine seriously.

Last week, my Daddy told me that things had improved, and he’d call by the end of the week. I had missed him so much, so when he called, it felt amazing. I caught him up on all my new accomplishments at work and my progress with my routine. Just before we ended the call, I shared how I’d been “testing” his theory of independence and that I thought I’d done pretty well. He agreed, and when I joked about giving myself a sticker from my jar, he surprised me by saying I absolutely should. He told me how proud he was of me for how I’d handled everything. When we ended the call, I went and picked out my biggest sticker, gave it to myself, and called it a night.

So, to all my subs, littles, slaves, etc., give yourself that sticker because, honey, you know you deserve it! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And to all the Daddys, Mommys, Sirs, and Masters out there, let them have the treat they’ve been working for!