Nirvana

When I first started exploring kink, I remember wishing someone would just hand me a list of all the right questions — the real ones — the ones that go deeper than 'what’s your favorite color?'

This list is a compilation of questions I wish I had back then. Some of them I found through my own research (thank you, late-night Google rabbit holes), some I picked up from conversations with more experienced kinksters, and some I created myself based on what I realized I needed to know.

Whether you’re new to kink, exploring D/s dynamics, or just wanting to build deeper, more intentional connections — I hope these questions help you the way I needed help once, too.

Take what serves you. Leave what doesn’t. Make it yours

         A. Background & Life Basics

1. Are you currently monogamous or polyamorous?
2. Have you been married before?
3. Are you divorced or widowed?
4. Do you have any children?
5. Do you live alone or with someone?
6. What does your day-to-day life look like?
7. What’s your relationship with your family like?
   
   B. BDSM Lifestyle Experience & Dominant Style
8. How long have you been active in BDSM?
9. How did you get into the lifestyle?
10. What type of Dominant do you identify as?
11. Do you enjoy dynamics that involve Littles or have a caregiver/daddy urge to nurture and guide?
12. Do you currently have any submissives?
13. Have you had a 24/7 submissive before?
14. What kind of dynamic are you looking for?
15. Do you believe in contracts or prefer informal dynamics?
16. How long do you usually take for negotiation before starting a dynamic?
17. What is your negotiation process like?
    
    C. Play, Punishment, & Reward Structure
18. What are your hard limits?
19. What are your soft limits?
20. How do you handle safe words and consent mid-scene?
21. How often do you like to play?
22. How often would you want to see me?
23. Do you engage in online or distance-based dynamics, or only in-person?
24. What are your thoughts on discipline and punishment?
25. How do you come up with punishments?
26. What types of punishments do you prefer to give?
27. What are your thoughts on reward-based submission?
28. How do you come up with rewards for good behavior?
    
    D. Emotional Connection, Aftercare, and Conflict
29. How do you provide aftercare?
30. How do you like to receive aftercare, if at all?
31. How do you manage conflict in a dynamic?
32. Are you short-tempered or more patient when conflict arises?
33. How do you handle a submissive who has a freeze or shutdown response?
34. Are you open to trauma-aware dynamics?
35. Do you have experience dealing with subs who are neurodivergent or emotionally complex?
    
    E. Protocol, Control, and Lifestyle Integration
36. Would you ever involve another Dominant or submissive in our play or dynamic?
37. Are you open to attending BDSM events or parties together?
38. Do you journal, track, or log your submissive's progress?
39. Do you create rules, rituals, and structure for your submissive?
40. Would you expect a high-protocol or low-protocol dynamic?
41. Do you want control over things like clothing, speech, behavior, or routine?
42. Would you expect me to maintain daily rituals like check-ins, kneeling, goodnight messages, etc.?
43. Do you believe in collaring a submissive? If so, what does that mean to you?
44. What are your views on ownership and marking (temporary or permanent)?
45. Do you expect exclusivity in kink, romance, or both?
46. Are you okay with your submissive having vanilla friendships?
47. How would you support your submissive during periods where they can’t play (emotional/mental breaks, menstruation, etc.)?
48. How involved would you want to be in my personal goals, mental health, or daily decisions?
49. What vanilla (non-kink) activities would you want to share with me in our dynamic?
50. How far does your dominance extend outside the bedroom/play scenes?
51. Would you expect me to come to you for advice or guidance when I’m going through personal, emotional, or life-related struggles?
52. Do you want me to share everyday parts of my life with you—wins, stress, career things, family, etc.?
53. Would you eventually want a 24/7 dynamic with cohabitation or moving in together?
54. Do you have any expectations or boundaries that haven’t already been covered?
    
    F. Long-Term Vision
55. Are you open to building a long-term dynamic, or are you looking for something temporary?
56. Would you ever consider a 24/7 ownership or Total Power Exchange relationship?
57. Are you looking for a dynamic that includes romance, or strictly D/s?
58. How do you balance kink and everyday life?
59. Do you think Dom/sub dynamics change over time? If so, how do you handle that?

 I hope these will help you

xoxo

Nirvana